For those of you that are not familiar with the blog world these things have trackers on them that tell you how many hits you gets, from where, how long etc. My favorite feature of the tracker of how it tells you how somebody got to your site. You can click a link and it will show you what somebody Googled to end up at your site. For example I've gotten a disturbingly significant amount of traffic from concerned parents Googling "Facebook and pedophiles". I'm sure they are trying to protect their kids, but they somehow end up clicking on some cat's blog. Which doesn't speak well for the effectiveness of Googling something. I also get a ton of traffic from people Googling stuff like "$10 meal in Vegas" or "Best hotel for kids in Vegas". When I read these it's usually followed by me having a little chuckle. As much as mainstream Vegas has become I'm still pretty amazed how many people have misconceptions about this place. I feel a lot of people come here expecting one thing and end up getting something totally different. That's why I'm doing Bono's Vegas Vacation guide. I've listed some tips below. Before I start, a couple of disclaimers. Being raised by my cheapskate Mom and Dad, I haven't fallen very far from tree so to speak. So most of my suggestions have some sort budget friendly aspect to them. And I'm a guy, so most tips are from a guys point of view.
First a couple ground rules. If you are considering a Vegas vacation you need to really like at least two of the items below in no particular order. If you don't, consider picking a different vacation spot. No actually don't bother reconsidering, just go somewhere else.
1. Gambling.
2. Binge drinking.
3. Eating good, but considerably overpriced food.
4. Eating awful, but cheap food.
5. Casual/Irresponsible Sex(or at least attempting to have casual/irresponsible sex)
6. Shopping in over priced stores.
7. Going to titty bars....I'm mean Gentleman's Clubs.
Seriously, If you don't REALLY like doing two of these things you'll get bored with this place pretty quickly. If you are someone that is OK with doing just one of these things for three consecutive days and you consider it a vacation, you're likely to be considered ___oholic. Just pick your vice from above to fill in the blank. You can still come though. We really need the money.
Second. I've talked about this before in my Best of Vegas blogs, but it warrants repeating. Under no circumstances are children to be brought on a Vegas vacation. No exceptions! Completely putting the moral aspect of bringing your children to a place nicknamed "Sin City" aside**, if you bring kids to Vegas with you, you're only ruining your own vacation. Example, you and your wife bring your two sons with you ages 14 and 16 to fly out to LV for a weekend away. You pawn them off at the pool during the day. But at night they have to stay in room. Trust me kids that age stick out like a sore thumb in a Vegas casino. You can't let them just wander around unattended. Security spots them in a heart beat. I stick out less and I'm a freakin cat. Ok, back to the story. The kids are in the room at night. You and the ole' lady go out to dinner and a show. She has a couple cocktail's at each event. After the show you hit up one of the casino bars for a couple glasses on wine, then she starts getting frisky. I'm mean really frisky. I'm mean you might get oral for the first time in 4 years frisky. Then you go back up to the room for some action an boom, your two freakin kids are there scrambling to change the channel from the adult pay-per view movie they just rung up on your bill as you walk through the door. The whole night ruined. Best case scenario now is getting a handy under the blankets. Or a pawie in my case. That's what us cats call them. Hear that guys? This is why you don't bring kids to Vegas!
**Personal note. For people that look down on Las Vegan's for being more sinful or having less morals than people from other places can go screw themselves. People in Montana, Iowa or wherever else, are just as horny, greedy, lustful or whatever else you want to call us. We just wear it on our sleeves for marketing purposes.
Tip 1. If possible come on a weekday. A silver lining from the dismal economy. You can get absurdly low rates a decent strip hotel. The weekends are less than they used to be but not as much as the weekday rates are down. If you fall into the looking for casual sex catagory, ignore this tip. The Club's are dead. Not many Women around if you are a guy. An if you are a girl are you really looking for a guy that goes to Vegas on a Tuesday to get a $25 room at the Sahara?
Tip 2. Food is not Cheap!!! This myth lives on from the days of old Vegas when $2.50 buffets were common place. They have been gone for a long while. Even the mall food court chain dog shit like Sbarro or Panda Express will cost you more than usual. So plan accordingly. I'm mentioned it before somebody wound up on my blog by searching for a "$10 meal on the Vegas strip". You would have a better chance at finding Bigfoot on the strip than a $10 meal. A Hot Dog, chips and a drink from Nathan's will run you over $10.
Tip 3. Unless you insist on eating till your about to puke skip the buffets. There all the same(mediocre)and their not much of a deal price wise($25-$30 for dinner). Who the hell wants to wait in line to eat dinner? You people look like cattle at these things. I think a heard a couple fat ladies moo behind me the last time I ate at a buffet. You can eat a really good meal at one of the trendy places for $10 more per person. It's worth it.
Tip 4. Eat steaks and chops in the cafe at a hotel that has a high end steakhouse rather than the steakhouse it self. I've had luck with this one. I think it's reasonable to assume they get the meat from the same source. Probably not quite the same quality cuts, but the drop off in quality is not as far as the drop off in price.
Tip 5. Pick a drink a stay with it. If you're going to be partying for 3 nights in a row hangover can put a real damper on your trip. Take it from a polished drinker as my self if you drink just vodka or just beer all night your recovery time is much quicker. If you jump from beers to margaritas to mojitos you won't want to get out of bed the next day.
Tip 6. Don't rent a car. Money down the drain. Use the under-utilized monorail on the strip. You'll actually have some sticker shock at first but the cumulative price will still be less than a rental or cab fare. But you won't have to deal with waiting in cab lines which are long on the weekends, hot and sweaty in the summer. You also don't have to deal with the smelly reckless cab drivers.
Tip 7. All titty bars, I'm mean Gentleman's clubs are the same if you're drunk enough. Pick the one with the cheapest cover or one with no cover. Don't trust the cab driver, they are on the take from the club owner's. Do your research before hand. Be prepared. Just like you were taught in the Boy Scouts.... How did they get to be called Gentleman's Club's anyway? The place is full of perverts. Calling it a Gentleman's club is actually an oxymoron.
Tip 8. When it comes to the show you get what you pay for. The good ones are expensive. Approx. $100 a head for the cheap seats at the good ones. If you want to go to a good one you probably want to get the tickets well before hand. On the bright side, just like the titty bars, if you're drunk enough they are all about the same.
Tip 9. If you just don't give a shit about much of anything. The quality of the food, the room, the women etc. Just go Downtown. You'll find exactly what you're looking for.
Tip 10. Last but not least. Guy's whatever you do don't get sucked in to shopping with the lady. Every casino on the strip has a shopping mall with all the brand name stores. I'm pretty sure they were created by satan. They are labyrinths you'll never get out of. I've nearly died. One time my Mama sucked Me, Carty and my Dad in. We got so bored that while sitting on a bench outside of Juicy Couture waiting for her to come out Carty fell asleep next to some old man that had also fallen asleep, while me and my Dad played rock-paper-scissors against each other for nearly 45 minutes.
So that's it. Hope you enjoy your trip.
