Bono's Family's Annual Newsletter

I'm doing a family newsletter this year. Is that what they are called? You know those things that your more successful relatives mail you every year with their Holiday wishes. They subtly let you know that they have more money that you. Their kids are smarter than yours, they've been to better places than you and have better stuff than you do. I can't stand those things. Nobody can stand those things. Even the people that send them don't like them. They do it to piss you off. Your "loved ones" are actually buying envelopes and stamps to go out of their way to make you fell a little worse about yourself. These letters rank right next to fruit cake in Holiday Traditions that nobody likes but take part in them anyway. If I dislike them so much why am I doing one my self? Being the thoughtful cat that I am I decided to do a letter to make you fell a little better about your self. Consider it my gift you. Here it is....

Merry Christmas everyone!!! Hope you are all are doing we'll. This past year the Gabaldon Family has accomplished pretty much nothing. We may have gone backward actually. Carty still eats too much, he's always late whenever he needs to be somewhere, constantly into mischief and pisses off everyone around him. My Dad is up to his same old antics. You know watching football, eating too much, couldn't pick his nose, much less a winner when he goes to the race track. My Mama still eats too much, she's always late whenever she needs to be somewhere and pisses off everyone around her. Except me. Now what have I been up to? We'll my motivational books are still not published. I had animal control called on me when I tried dropping my manuscripts off at Simon and Schuster. My blog has like two readers. I think. It might be just me now. I still drink and gamble a little too much. Other than that It been a pretty plain year. My Mama went to San Francisco a couple times. But she had to use the cheap skate Fun Fares(if you consider a 4 hour delay fun)from Southwest Airlines because that is all she can afford. Her and my Dad stayed at a musty old hotel the smelled like an old ladies closet and was built circa 1908. She loved it!! She didn't sell a whole lot at any of her craft shows. My Dad did get suckered into running her table at one of the shows. Can you be anymore whipped? My goodness! Just put on a bra and panties, really. We did make it to our vacation home in Albuquerque a couple times. It always nice to get away from the desert. I'm being sarcastic if you can't tell. Oh yea! Remember the Certified Used Mercedes my Mama bought and was so proud of? Well it turns out it was a Certified piece of shit. It been in the shop six times, the paint is now two-tone for some reason nobody can figure out and it's worth about half of what she paid for it. Tell everybody you know not to buy a car from Fletcher Jones Mercedes in Las Vegas. That's about it. I hope that cheers you up for the Holiday's!

I would like to thank every one that sent us cards and or gifts. Last year I complained that my Auntie Shiloh sent us one bite each of fudge. This year she sent us zero bites of fudge each. Shelly or as I call her Bono's Blog reader formerly known as Rochelle, sent us a picture of her and her husband Doug. I was just telling Carty the other day. "Hey, we need a picture of Bono's Blog reader formerly known as Rochelle and Doug". The best gift though were some cookies from my Mama's friend Tracy. Long story but she's convinced that my self and Carty are members of Al-Qaeda. Which is absurd. Because if I was going to be a member of a radical Islamic group it would Hezbollah. Everybody knows that. Anyway keeping this in mind I was thinking the cookies could be a possible assassination attempt. So I tricked my Dad and Carty into eating a couple of the cookies to see if anything happened before I let my self or my Mama get into them. They were clean and very good.

"I deal with 120 degrees in July so I don't have to drive in this crap"

That's what my Mama said last seek when it snowed here in Vegas. You probably heard. It snowed twice last week here in Las Vegas. Despite growing up around it, my Mama despises snow. I'm not that big on it either. I thought it was pretty cool though. A nice change of pace in a city where the weather is very predictable. My self and Carty got pretty excited about it. We haven't seen snow in years. The last time I went out in the snow, it was an ill-fated attempt to spell my name. It was way too cold to hang around outside so I scrambled back inside. On Wednesday morning when the snow was coming down, me and Carty got real excited to go have a snowball fight. Seemed like a great change of pace from the usual conventional fight that we have just about every AM. It took us about half an hour to dig up our old winter gear. I hate getting my paws wet. Unless it's from my own spit. So I wear baby mittens on my paws. Carty wears one of those ridiculous fur hats that Russian soldiers always wear in the movies. They have the flaps on the side for your ears. Our Grandpa gave it to him. Put one of those hats on a cat, all you need is the top part to cover your ears. The flaps are useless for us. Carty wears the hat anyway. He tried getting on a parka my Mama got for him when we lived in New Mexico and Carty weighed about 5lbs less than now. It didn't fit. He wore it anyway. We stood at the open back door. I looked over to Carty and said "You're going down Sergei". The he looked at me and said "Bring it on Mittons". Then we sprinted to our respective positions. I went behind a bush in our back yard. Carty went behind one of the air conditioning units. We started packing our balls together. Our snowballs that is. I don't have any actual balls. Yet another reminder I've been neutered. Anyway, after about 45 seconds and an exchange of about 3 snowballs thrown at each other, Carty popped his head up and the following conversation happened.

Carty: Hey, hold on a sec.
Me:What do you want?
Carty:I'm freezing my ass off.
Me: Me too.
Carty: Let's go back inside. I Tivoed "Handy Manny". Let's go in and watch it.
Me:Ok......I'll make us some Irish Coffees.
Carty: Nice!

We trott back inside...So that was our snow day.

Can you believe I've been doing this crap for a year?

Yeah, I've been blogging for a whole year. I can't believe it either. No wonder I can't think of anything write anymore. That's why I'm mailing it in this week and re-posting my 1st blog. The term "mailing it in" doesn't really fit anymore. Nobody uses mail anymore. Maybe texting is the new equivalent to mailing something in. I guess I'm texting in this week's blog...some random things that caught my eye from re-reading it. I'm even more annoyed by American Idol than I was a year ago. John Edwards was still relevant enough to mention and hadn't been caught banging his really ugly hair dresser yet. Really John your going to end your political career for that?...originally posted 12/6/07

It's holiday season. Most years I can't wait for Christmas to get here. December can't move fast enough. The other night that changed. I saw and add for American Idol. I starts again on 1/15. I can't stand this show! Now I hope the month drags on. The butchering of music made by people with actual talent is bad enough, but that's not what I dislike most about the show. What really gets me are fans of the show. Judging by the ratings there are millions of you. I'm convinced there is something in the DNA of you humans which gives all of you the illusion that you can sing. You can't hide from it, it's everywhere. I bet you all know one, it might be the band leader at your church or the friend you get tanked up with at Happy Hour every Friday, but you know at least one person who thinks they can really sing. This show has given them all hope. They should change the name to "American Ahol". This is only fed by the spread of karaoke. My Grandpa owns a dive bar in Albuquerque. It used to be a reputable place. A place where alcoholics would gather and the only entertainment needed was a 16 inch television with some sporting event they no doubt bet whatever money that had left that was not already spent on smokes and booze. Now the place has been contaminated by the poison that is karaoke. Patrons still do all the stuff they did before, but now that also see fit to belt out a full rendition of "Sweet Caroline" for all the public to witness while they do it. It has completely killed the ambiance of the place. As you read this there are drunks across the country with pickled livers singing incoherent versions of classics by Skynard or Otis Redding, all fed by the American Idol craze. Good Help us! But if Paula goes bonkers again this year, somebody tell me right away.

I wanted to quickly touch on politics. For the record I lean left on most issues. I guess you can say I'm a south paw. Get it? Paw!! I have not decided who to vote for yet in the primary. How does a cat vote you ask? I found a precinct in Chicago that lets me vote as an absentee. As many times as I want to. But has anybody caught the size of Hillary's ass lately? It gigantic. I have to believe this is a tactic to gain black/hispanic male voters. Very shrewed. It'll be interesting to see how Obama and Edwards will counter this. Also, I pulled up Clinton inauguration footage on You Tube. Her ass was not nearly as big then. If she had the po-dunka-dunk she has now back on '95-'96, Slick Willie might not have needed to sneak chubby interns into the Oval Office. He would have has what he was looking for right at home. It could have changed the course of history. That's all for now.....Bono out.

It's been an surprising week

I wanted to post again sooner. However I was a little under the weather earlier this week. Here's a picture.

I don't why my Mama took a picture of me when I was sick. I look terrible. The weather was really good this week so being just a little under it wasn't that bad.....There were three things that really stuck out this past week. First, last Saturday me and my Dad were watching the Oregon State vs. Oregon football game. My Mama came from somewhere and joined us. Suddenly they showed a picture of the fans and they were holding up a big sign that said "Beaver Nation" on it.

With Oregon State's nickname being the beaver's, this came as no surprise to me and my Dad. But to our surprise my Mama got a huge chuckle out of this. Wow!! And here I though I was the only one in the house that enjoyed potty humor. I can't imagine what her reaction would have been if they were playing the South Carolina Gamecocks.....The second surprise was when me and Carty were playing Hide and Seek. A few times a month we play some pretty intense games of hide and seek. I know you guys think that it's a silly kids game. But not for cats, hide and seek is serious business. It would be much funner if Carty were actually good at it. His hiding places are usually not very good. But this one took the cake. He thought he was hiding under the blanket on the side of the bed. But he forgot to hide his tail!! Ridiculous.

I had my Dad snap a picture before I let him know I new where he was hiding.....Finally and most surprising. Really your not going to believe this. I was even contemplating not posting this but I can help my self....My Mama thought that we still went to the moon!! Yes! She thought that the Space Shuttle went to the moon!!! I couldn't believe it either. The Apollo program was shut down in 1972. I have know idea how she didn't know this.

Here are some other things I reminded her of just in case...The Dodgers play in Los Angeles, not Brooklyn. She can't fly TWA this holiday season. The Chevy Nova is no longer in production. She can't shop at Woolworth's this X-mas. M.A.S.H ended roughly 25 years ago and Elvis is dead. I think.

Happy Thanksgiving!

I'm back! It's been a while. I've been busy working on some other projects....Well Turkey Day is coming up. Myself and my family love Thanksgiving. It's supposed to be a day of giving thanks for the things that we have but, since the holiday is an American holiday it has quickly morphed into a celebration of overeating, naps, football and shopping. Which is fine by me. A holiday for just giving thanks is just plain boring. A holiday with gluttony, drooling and farting on your aunts new sofa while sleeping, betting on football, than spending the next day buying a bunch of crap you don't need makes for a great time. It's also great for family bonding. My Mama, Dad and Carty love overeating. All of us love napping. Me, my Dad and Carty love football, My Mama loves buying crap we don't need. There is something for everybody! I really don't get the shopping thing though. Battling a bunch of strangers for some piece of crap toy that your kid will be ignoring by New Year's day? Why put yourself through this? Women get in fist fights over this stuff? That's the Holiday spirit!

I do love the scenes they show on the news every year of a bunch of women at entrance of Target(or any other store) trampling over each other when the doors open. It looks like the running of the bulls at Pamplona. But in the spirit of the Holiday I'd like to list some things I'm thankful for.....

I'm thankful for....

-my head being able to reach between my legs

-TIVO. Man's greatest accomplishment since the moon landing.

-a fresh made bed


-the temperature in Vegas is about 65 degrees right now

-the Hummer dealership in Vegas is being turned into a Smartcar dealership. A rare silver lining in our horrid economy. Man, are Hummers obnoxious! If you are a male and you drive a Hummer, everybody knows you are trying to compensate for something. Why don't you just wear t-shirt that says you have a really small penis?

-Tony Romo is back from his injury.

-My new scratching post...ohh wait. I don't have new scratching post!!

-cold beer

-being silly



-a fresh can of nip

-Kitty Kaviar, you really have to try this stuff.


-I overcame my addiction to America's Next Top Model.

-I'm now addicted to Real Housewives of Atlanta. Go ahead, laugh.

-most all, my Mama!

Iz nots a complete moron.

I don't get offended easily. But I've been getting some disturbing e-mails recently. These ridiculous cat picture e-mails. I posted a couple examples. They show photos of cats in different situations with some stupid caption. These are extremely offensive. They make cats look like complete idiots. Who says "can I seeps wif yuo"? What makes you people think we talk like that? What does putting the U before the O accomplish? And what self respecting feline asks for permission to sleep somewhere? Just plop your ass down and go to sleep! It's not even funny. Anybody can add a caption to a picture and be somewhat humorous. It's not hard. I've gotten these e-mails from numerous sources. There is even a book out that has these things. People are really paying money for this crap? Who's started this chain? Joke e-mails have really gotten out of hand. Everybody thinks they have a really original one. But I get the same ones all the time. These things travel like a contagious virus. Is this what you people do at work all day? No wonder the economy is going hell. But if you read my blog at work. By all means keep doing what you're doing.

Myz fwifteen mwiniets is ovwer!


Howz Ize gonna fwind da wheel kwillers fwom Nevwada Stwhate pwison?

I told you it's not hard. I could have posted a thousand of these things. I even passed up the Britney Spears/Lindsey Lohan no panty pictures and Tara Reid's nipple slip. Seemed way too easy.

DECISION '08: BONO'S COMPLETELY BIASED THOUGHTS ON THE ELECTION

It's just about here. Finally. I can't remember not hearing about campaign news. Of course I have my own personal thoughts, feelings, slant. Whatever you want to call it. If you don't agree that's fine. If you want to raise some counter points to my thoughts feel free. I don't take it personally, like all to many people in this Country do. While it is important, I think people take this stuff a little to personal sometimes. If you have read my blog before you know most of my political leanings are to the left. I'm hoping Obama wins but like most Democrats I was to lazy to actually vote. If you remember from my first ever blog posting I stated I got connected to a precinct in Chicago that lets me (a cat) vote as an absentee as many times as I wanted. They sent me a couple dozen ballots. I kept meaning to fill them out. But I ended up using most of them as drink coasters. Carty actually sent about a half a dozen in with Sarah Palin as a write in vote. He wants just her to be President. He doesn't want her on the ticket with McCain. Carty doesn't really care about politics, but with Palin being a hockey Mom that does shout outs, he's completely smitten. Now, I'd like to explain the reasoning for my rooting interest. Despite being a registered Democrat I do fall on the right on a few issues. I'm an Evangelical Christian, not big on abortion, annoyed by women with arm pit hair. I don't give a rats ass about the environment. This is an easy stance for a cat. We don't live very long. What do I care what the planet will look like 50 years from now? I've never done it but I can totally see how firing a high power assault rifle could be a great time. Especially after drinking eighteen Natural Light's in the back of a pickup with a Confederate flag hanging in the back window. Also, I'm not that high on Obama. I admit the guy might be more sizzle than steak. With that said you're probably asking why are you voting Democrat? I have two major reasons. 1. A few years back John McCain tried ban gambling on collage sports here in Vegas. This is simply unforgivable. This goes against every fiber of my being. This anti-gambling stance in common among the religious right. It completely hypocritical also. They call gamblers sinners. But people are now being fleeced of money they "invested" in the stock market or real estate. If you buy stock or by a house there are no guarantees the you will get a damn thing back. You are putting up money with the hope, but no guarantee you will get a higher return in the future. This by definition is gambling. Gambling may well be a sin, but if you contribute to a 401k or bought a house with the hope of selling it for a profit at a later date, you can spare me the lecture on how I'm a sinner for betting $25 on a football game. Reason 2. I've seen Republicans govern. Born in 2002 that's all I've been subjected to. If they were as good at governing as they are at winning elections it would be great. I suppose the Democrats can be worse. But, being the gambler that I am. I'll take my chances. This brings me to another thought. The same people that told be to vote for Bush in '04 are telling be to vote for McCain now. And for all the same reasons. If you are trying to convince people to vote for McCain, It would be a good idea to make it clear that you realize the Bush Presidency has been a grease fire. We would at least like to know that we are dealing with a rational person. Then you can start explaining how McCain will be different. The McCain/Palin ticket would be doing better if they has changed their campaign slogan from "Country First" to "McCain/Palin:We'll do all the shit a good Republican President is supposed to do". If you don't think that the G.W.B. regime has been a mess ponder this. If somebody in November 2001 told you that in November 2008 it was quite possible the President elect would be an African-American with the middle name of Hussein and his last name was one letter off from being Osama. What would you have said? Yes, the phrase "Get the f@#K outta here" came to my mind also....Here are few other random thoughts that I have regarding the election.

-My Dad has a better education than Sarah Palin(she has a journalism degree from the vaunted academic powerhouse of the University of Idaho). My Dad grew up in New Mexico. You can see Mexico from New Mexico. Most Republicans believe that Mexicans pose a bigger threat to America than Russians. He's been keeping an eye on them Mexicans. So my Dad has more foreign policy experience than Palin. My Dad is Mexican. But don't worry I've been keeping an eye on him too.

-I can admit it. Relatively speaking. Barack Obama has not really accomplished a whole lot.

-Obama did graduate magna cum-laude from Harvard. Which is still more of an accomplishment than anything Sarah Palin has done. Being a popular Governor in a homogeneous State is not much of an accomplishment.

-Joe Biden might be the most boring person in America.

-I've seen numerous sources claiming that Obama is the anti-Christ to convince people to not vote for him. From my limited knowledge on the subject that I've gotten from reading the Bible, the "Left Behind" books and about ten minuets of research on the Internet most expert opinions fall into two categories. 1-For some reason a bunch of religious people(non-Catholics) think that the Pope is the anti-Christ. Not just the current Pope, but everyone that has came along. 2-The most common opinion is that the anti-Christ will be a relatively young politician, that will quickly rise to power, will have the adulation of the World but in the end will be very deceptive. Somebody nobody would suspect. On this surface Obama seems like an obvious fit. He may be. But I have my doubts. There are a couple missing pieces. First, every Evangelical south of the Mason-Dixon line thinks he's the anti-Christ. So the surprise element in gone. Also, he does not have the adulation of the world. Actually, he barely had the majority of support with his own party. And win or lose, he will struggle to get %50 of the popular vote. If he starts doing things that gets the adulation of the World maybe we should start worrying. Finally. Doesn't Sarah Palin fit the same criteria Obama does? I became suspicious after her big shopping spree in NY. The Devil just might be wearing Prada... If you believe that the Book of Revelation is God's will. Is not voting for Obama going to stop it from happening? Am I missing a chapter in my Bible that tells us how to prevent all the bad stuff in Revelations?

-As nod to my Republican friends I'll end with a quote from John McCain that I found interesting and humorous. It was directed to his Congressional opponent that accused him of Carpetbagging when he first ran for congress in 1982.

"Listen, pal. I spent 22 years in the Navy. My father was in the Navy. My grandfather was in the Navy. We in the military service tend to move a lot. We have to live in all parts of the country, all parts of the world. I wish I could have had the luxury, like you, of growing up and living and spending my entire life in a nice place like the First District of Arizona, but I was doing other things. As a matter of fact, when I think about it now, the place I lived longest in my life was Hanoi."

Poker Anyone?

This past Saturday night Myself and Carty hosted our "5th annual Feline Only No-Limit Texas Hold'em Poker Tournament to Benefit Under Privileged Cats". Long title, I know. But can you think of a better one? Once a year we have a big poker tournament for the area cats. Half the entry fees to go to underprivileged cats. Yes, once a year I'm capable of not being a self centered A-Hole. Some pictures are posted below. The tournament was once again a big success. Even better than most years. On top of the money we raised only two cats had to be escorted out of the building for lewd or dangerous behavior and no tables were flipped over out of frustration. A first for our tournament. Last year Flaco(our nip dealer) was arrested. He claims he wasn't arrested, but instead the police had him placed in "protective custody" because he was "a danger to himself and others" and he was not actually charged with anything. He was released the next morning. I attribute the improved behavior due to us having a cash bar rather than an open bar this year. Cats as people, tend to drink less if they actually have pay for it. On the downside, LV Mayor Oscar Goodman as been MC for the tournament in previous years. He was committed again this year, but when he found out that there was not an open bar this year, suddenly "something came up". Oh, well...I like poker. Not as much a much as betting on sports or horses. But it makes for a great time to spend with friends and family. And only friends and family. I say that because if you go to a casino and play with a bunch of strangers, chances are you'll be sitting at table with nine of the most hideous, vile people you'll ever meet. A few year's ago poker experienced a huge boom in this Country. It's since fizzled considerably. Mostly because rational individuals such as Myself refuse to sit with these idiots. A few years back there were enough people into poker to where your might run in to a few normal human beings. Not anymore. They've all been run off. I would rather play poker with inmates in the rec room at the Clark County jail than at the poker room at the Bellagio. I would feel safer and the conversation would be more intelligent.


Enjoying some nip at the table


Enjoying more nip at the table


Carty contemplating a big call before the river card


P.S. Happy Halloween! I guess....Me and Carty are going to a friends party. I stated before I hate costumes. I'm dressing up a cat that hates costumes. Carty is going as "Joe the Plumber".

PICKS OF THE WEEK.....LAST WEEK(2-3)...SEASON(21-19-2)

MISSOURI -20.5 AT BAYLOR
BOISE ST -20.5 AT NEW MEXICO ST.
BILLS -5.5 VS JETS
STEELERS +2 AT REDSKINS
BRONCOS -3.5 VS MIAMI

BONO VS. MAMA....BONO-LAST WEEK(5-7-2) SEASON(55-55-5)..MAMA-LAST WEEK(5-7-2) SEASON(51-59-5)

TEXANS +5 AT VIKINGS......B-VIKINGS.....M-TEXANS
JAGUARS -7.5 AT BENGALS.....B-JAGS.....M-JAGS
BUCS -8 AT CHIEFS......B-CHIEFS.....M-BUCS
RAVENS +2 AT BROWNS.....B-RAVENS.....M-RAVENS
JETS +5.5 AT BILLS.....B-BILLS....M-JETS
CARDINALS -3 AT RAMS.....B-RAMS.....M-CARDS
LIONS +12.5 AT BEARS.....B-BEARS....M-BEARS
PACKERS +5 AT TITANS.....B-PACKERS....M-TITANS
DOLPHINS +3.5 AT BRONCOS....B-BRONCOS.....M-DOLPHINS
FALCONS +3 AT RAIDERS.....B-RAIDERS....M-FALCONS
COWBOYS +7.5 AT GIANTS....B-GIANTS....M-GIANTS
EAGLES -7 AT SEAHAWKS.....B-EAGLES....M-SEAHAWKS
PATRIOTS +5 AT COLTS......B-COLTS....M-PATS
STEELERS +2 AT REDSKINS....B-STEELERS....M-SKINS

I thought going to the vet was bad.

My Mama had to go to UMC Quick Care this week. When I say "quick" and "care", I say it holding sarcastic air quotations because the place really doesn't provide care nor is it done quickly. Due to confidentiality I can't tell you why she had to go. I was lucky enough to not have...ok you talked me into it. She had some scare tissue removed from her leg a couple weeks ago(from a Dr. she won't be going back to) and the suture holes from the procedure started to get infected. She went to get some antibiotics before it got worse. I was lucky enough to not have to go with her. But a couple years back my Dad had a horrid cough that wouldn't go away. So he gritted his teeth and went to UMC Quick Care. My Mama suggested I go with him to keep him company. Being my curious self I went. Big mistake. Really big mistake. It was one of the worst experiences of my life. Since then I refer to UMC Quick Care as GFHH Slow Torture. The GFHH refers to God Forsaken Hell Hole. I would much rather go to my Vet than one of these "medical" facilities you humans subject your self too. Most cities have similar institutions. In Albuquerque most refer to it as an "Urgent" Care Facility. Given that it's not so urgent that 4 hour wait will kill you. I guess their supposed to be a hybrid between a normal Dr's office and emergency room. Anyway, when I went with my Dad, we walked in and the place was packed with people. There were not even enough seats in the waiting room. People had to stand and seats got filled as soon as people got called to see the Dr. It was a horrible scene. It was like the DMV, but the people were sick and more weird. Not to mention crying babies and screaming children. Within the first 30 seconds we were in there I looked up to my Dad and said "we need to get the f@#k out of here". He said "no, I can't take this cough any longer, I need medicine"! What a pussy. So we had to sign in at clip board thay have hanging on the wall with a germ infested pen attached to it. I can't imagine how filthy that pen is. Everyone in the facility has touched that thing. We waited for 1/2 hour before we even got to sit down! I had to sit on his lap while he was hacking up a lung the whole time. While you wait they do have a 1968 model 12 inch Panasonic television(the TV is older than the building!)and year old magazines that have been held, coughed on and sneezed on by every sick person that has come thorough the door in the last 12mos to keep you entertained. Yeah, like I'm going to read that. Fifty minuets in we get called up to the front desk to fill out paper work. My Dad is presented with yet another bacteria covered pen. The lady tells us to go back to our seat and wait to be called back. Our seat has been taken. Were standing up again. 1 hour later were called back. We sit in another little room for 15 minuets. Then a nurse comes in and takes his blood pressure, temperature and weighs him. During all this my Dad is constantly coughing. When the nurse is done weighing him she asked him what's wrong? After answering a couple more stupid questions were sent back to waiting room. No seats again. We finally get a seat. Then have to listen to some blabber mouth old lady, that thinks everyone is interested in her stories about her grand children. Sorry if I'm not as excited as you are about how your little Amber doesn't shit here pants anymore grand-ma, it is quite an accomplishment. But please, shut the hell up! 1 hour later were finally called back again. We wait 5 minutes in the little observation room. A nurse comes in with my Dad's charts and reads back the answers to the stupid questions asked by the previous nurse. Then says the doctor will be in shortly. The room has more crusty year old magazines. I choose to snoop around in all the little drawers and cabinets instead. 10 minutes later the Dr. finally comes in. He says some crap about how he has a virus and antibiotics won't help. That he's just going to have to wait to just get over the cough. We both explain he's had the cough for two weeks and given the overall experience of the day, if we don't walk out with a prescription for some drugs, he(the Dr.) may not be walking out of the building at all. He reluctantly gives us a prescription for antibiotics. Telling us it won't help. We go to the check out window. We're presented with yet another toxic pen. Finally were going home! My Dad takes his 1st round of antibiotics as soon as we get home. Less than 30 hours later his cough is completely gone.

FOOTBALL PICKS OF THE WEEK...LAST WEEK(3-2) SEASON(19-16-2)

OKLAHOMA -19.5 AT KANSAS ST.
BYU -23.5 VS UNLV
MISSOURI -22 VS COLORADO
OHIO ST +2 VS PENN ST.
PANTHERS -4.5 VS CARDINALS

BONO VS MAMA.....BONO LAST WK(5-8-1) SEASON(50-48-3) MAMA LAST WK(5-8-1) SEASON(46-52-3)

RAIDERS +7 AT RAVENS.....B-RAVENS......M-RAVENS
CHARGERS -3.5 AT SAINTS....B-CHARGERS....M-CHARGERS
CHEIFS +3 AT JETS.....B-JETS.....M-JETS
BILLS -1.5 AT MIAMI.....B-MIAMI....M-BILLS
BUCS +2.5 AT COWBOYS......B-BUCS.....M-BUCS
FALCONS +9 AT EAGLES......B-EAGLES.....M-EAGLES
RAMS +7 AT PATRIOTS.......B-PATRIOTS....M-PATRIOTS
CARDINALS +4.5 AT PANTHERS.....B-PANTHERS....M-CARDINALS
REDSKINS -8 AT LIONS......B-SKINS.....M-SKINS
BROWNS +7 AT JAGUARS.......B-JAGS.....M-JAGS
BENGALS +10 AT TEXANS.....B-BENGALS....M-BENGALS
GIANTS +2.5 AT STEELERS.....B-STEELERS....M-GIANTS
SEAHAWKS +5 AT 49ERS.......B-49ERS.....M-49ERS
COLTS +4 AT TITANS......B-TITANS.....M-TITANS

We've been duped! Again!

Have you noticed everybody is really happy that gas is ONLY $3.15 per gallon? I have. The oil companies suckered us again. It wasn't long ago when you thought $2 for gallon was a rip off. Look at us now. Thinking $3.15 is great deal. $3.15 is the national average now for a gallon of regular. My Mama uses premium. No way she can put regular in her beloved Mercedes. Oooohhh, a Mercedes. Those of you that know her probably think that she thinks she's big shit because she has a Benz. Don't worry I keep her ego in place here at home. I constantly remind her that it's a used C-Class. It's a starter Mercedes. Which is for people that are not rich but want people to think they have a more money than they really do. It's working out really well for her. We'll back to my rant. Back in June when the price of a barrel of oil peaked at $138 the average price per gallon topped out at $4.12 per gallon. Now the price per barrel of crude is $78. A %43 drop in price. At the same time the price per gallon only dropped from $4.12 to $3.15. That's only a %23 drop? What's the deal? If the price per gallon dropped at the same rate gas should be $2.35 a gallon now. I sure there are some complex economic factors involving price elasticity etc. that contribute to the difference but %20? This is particularly disturbing to me because I fell like I've been trained. The oil companies spike the price then bring it down just a little to make me feel like I'm getting a deal when I'm really not, but I don't really realize it because they bunch me in with every other idiot consumer. Being trained to do something is a sin for a cat. We take great pride in the fact you can't train a feline to do jack shit. We're proud to be unlike some idiot dog that will roll over or fetch something to get a treat. If you consider petrified pig asshole to be a treat. Have you seen what pet treats are made out of? I bring all this up because I went with my Dad to Costco to put gas in my Mama's car. He's trained by her to go put gas. I ride along just get out of the house. And I like Costco. Anyway, gas is usually about $.05 to $.07 per gallon cheaper there. What's funny about this is that there is usually a line and people will sit in their cars, running at idol with their AC's on to save few cents a gallon. Never realizing that any savings is being more that burned off while they sit pick their nose. This brings me to another topic. Energy independence. This seems to be a big deal now. Everybody wants this because of the National security implications. I see one flaw in it though. Let's say we are able to drill for enough oil just for our own use. Does this mean Exxon and all the other American oil are going to stop drilling/purchasing foreign oil to sell to the rest of the World? Will this really lower prices for us, when the price per barrel is tied to global demand? Does energy independence mean we stop all the other bullshit in the Middle East that pisses off the Muslim's to the point they want to kill us? Will we still have a Military base in Saudi Arabia? A big reason(not the only one)they want to kill us is because they see us as a Christians up in there Muslim business. Will this end with "energy independence"? I haven't got that answer from any politician. I'm not sure anybody has asked. Further, I've done some reading on this topic. It seems there are some pretty simple things we could all do help get us to this goal of energy independence. All of which will get us there faster and cheaper than just drilling. Things like having our tires inflated properly to maximize gas mileage. Not going through the drive thru. Get down and go inside to order your Big Mac. Allow the Government to limit horse power on vehicles to make them more fuel efficient. I like fast cars as much as anybody but do we really need to go zero to sixty in fill in the blank number of seconds on the way to work in the morning? Or any other time for that matter. We always talk about the large sacrifice our military makes to protect us. I think these would be some pretty small sacrifices on our part to make theirs a little smaller...............Here are the football picks.

Picks of the week. Last Week(as disaster)(1-4) Season(16-14-2)

GEORGIA -15 VS VANDERBILT
OKLAHOMA ST. -16.5 VS BAYLOR
BILLS +1 VS CHARGERS
STEELERS -9.5 AT BENGALS
VIKINGS +3 AT BEARS

BONO....LAST WEEK(5-8) SEASON(45-40-2)...MAMA..LAST WEEK(6-7) SEASON(41-44-2)

TITANS -7 AT CHIEFS.....B-CHIEFS.....M-CHIEFS
CHARGERS -1 AT BILLS.....B-BILLS....M-CHARGERS
STEELERS -9.5 AT BENGALS....B-STEELERS......M-BENGALS
RAVENS +3 AT DOLPHINS.....B-DOLPHINS......M-DOLPHINS
COWBOYS -7 AT RAMS......B-COWBOYS....M-RAMS
VIKINGS +3 AT BEARS.....B-VIKINGS....M-BEARS
SAINTS +3 AT PANTHERS.....B-PANTHERS.....M-PANTHERS
49ERS +12 AT GIANTS......B-GIANTS.....M-49ERS
LIONS +8.5 AT TEXANS.....B-TEXANS....M-TEXANS
JETS -3 AT RAIDERS.....B-JETS.....M-RAIDERS
BROWNS +8.5 AT REDSKINS....B-SKINS....M-SKINS
COLTS -1 AT PACKERS.....B-COLTS....M-COLTS
SEAHAWKS +10.5 AT BUCCANNEERS......B-BUCS.....M-SEAHAWKS
BRONCOS +3 AT PATRIOTS....B-PATRIOTS.....M-PATRIOTS

Top 5 reasons this time of year rules

Back in the beginning of July I had a list of why that time of year sucked. We're finally in my favorite time of year, so I thought I should do a list of why this time of year totally rules. Actually only two of the reasons are mine. But a list of two seemed silly so I tapped into my family for the other three. Yes, It does seem silly to say that this time of year rules when the Country is going bankrupt, but that doesn't happen every October. Also, we have know idea of what the world is going to look like next October so I'm trying to enjoy this one as much as possible.

1. The weather cools and the leaves turn.....We'll most places cool. It's still in the 90's here in Vegas. But it should be down in the the 70's-80's anytime now. I hope. Also I love when the leaves turn. It's beautiful. The color is breath taking. At least from the pictures I've seen. We don't have leaves here either. Everything is brown year round. Now that I type this I might only have one reason why this time of year rules. It's almost mid-October and it's still hot and brown.


2. It the best time of year for sports. The baseball playoffs are now under way. Football is in full swing. Have I mentioned that I like football before? The NBA and collage basketball start at the end of the month. It's unbelievable! It' hard to even keep up. This past Sunday football, baseball playoffs and NASCAR were on all at the same time. I needed a second pair of eyes. The NASCAR race was great. There two twelve car pile up's! Where else are you going to see that without being in the freakin thing? The baseball playoffs started last week. There was a game almost every night. My Dodgers beat the Cubs in the 1st round. Can't brag to much about that. For those of you that don't follow baseball they haven't won the World Series since 1908. Best of all, the games are a great excuse to drink beer on a regular Tuesday evening.

3. On Halloween free chocolate is given out. This is my Mom's reason for this time of year ruling. Personally I think it sucks. A bunch of little punks keep ringing the doorbell all night. It scares the living shit out of me. I have to spend the whole night under the bed. This is a really stupid holiday. If you could call it a holiday. I don't get you humans at times. Going door to door to get a bunch of junk food? No wonder all of you have diabetes. I can see kids getting into this, but please. Once you have pubic hair please stay off my porch. Go buy your own candy. Also, what's with the haunted houses? You actually pay to go into places to be pretend scared? Doesn't life scare you enough as it is? You pay to get more scared because there just isn't enough out there to keep you adequately fearful? You guy's are idiots.


4. Hockey season starts. This is Carty's reason. He loves Hockey. I don't know why. He says it's because his a Maine-coon breed of cat. Genetically we're built for cold weather. Above is a picture of him with his favorite hockey ball. We can't have pucks. No frozen ponds here in Vegas. This is what him and some of his buddies use on my Mama's kitchen floor to play hockey. He bats it around pretending to be Alex Ovechkin. I don't know who that is either but he's Carty's favorite player. The only hockey players I know are the ones that have nailed Anna Kornikova.

5. Normally conservative women use Halloween as a reason to dress trashy.(See examples below) This is my Dad's reason. It is true though. What's the deal with that? I was trotting around on the strip one time during Halloween. I thought I was in a giant brothel. Women walking around with their boobs up to their chin wearing a leather devil costume? I don't get the costume thing either. My Mama brought up the idea of me wearing a consume once. And only once.

PUUURRRRFECT!

IT'S POST TIME!!


PS. Did you notice I resisted making a Sarah Palin joke when I talked about hockey?

Here are the football picks

PICKS OF THE WEEK..LAST WEEK(2-1-2)...SEASON(15-10-2)

GEORGIA(-13) VS TENNESSEE
BYU(-23.5) VS NEW MEXICO
TEXAS TECH(-21) VS NEBRASKA
RAVENS AT COLTS(POINTS TOTAL UNDER 39)
GIANTS(-8) AT BROWNS

BONO....LAST WEEK(8-4-2)SEASON(40-32-2) MAMA....LAST WEEK(8-4-2)..SEASON(35-37-2)

RAIDERS(+7.5) AT SAINTS......B-SAINTS.....M-SAINTS
RAVENS(+4.5) AT COLTS.......B-COLTS.....M-RAVENS
BENGALS(+6) AT JETS......B-JETS....M-JETS
PANTHERS(+2) AT BUCCANEERS.....B-PANTHERS....M-PANTHERS
LIONS(-13.5) AT VIKINGS.....B-VIKINGS....M-VIKINGS
BEARS(-2.5) AT FALCONS.....B-FALCONS.....M-FALCONS
DOLPHINS(+3) AT TEXANS.....B-TEXANS....M-DOLPHINS
RAMS(+14) AT REDSKINS.....B-SKINS....B-SKINS
JAGUARS(+3.5) AT BRONCOS.....B-BRONCOS.....M-JAGS
EAGLES(-5.5) AT 49ERS......B-49ERS....M-49ERS
COWBOYS(-5.5) AT CARDINALS....B-COWBOYS....M-CARDINALS
PACKERS(+3) AT SEAHAWKS.....B-PACKERS.....M-SEAHAWKS
PATRIOTS(+6) AT CHARGERS....B-CHARGERS....M-CHARGERS
GIANTS(-6) AT BROWNS.......B-GIANTS....M-GIANTS

Palin's "shout out" during debate wins undecided Carty's vote.

That's right. My brother is huge fan of the shout out. I was napping during the debate. Then Carty came running into the room yelling "Brother, wake up! Palin just did a shout out!". I had to rewind the Tivo. Yup. She did a shout out. That has to be a first in a Vice Presidential debate or any type of National debate. And it wasn't even that black guy that did it! On one of my first few blogs(It's on my Mama's blog 12/13/07) Carty requested that I do a shout out to for him on my new blog. I said that the only people that still executed shout outs are FM hip-hop DJ's. I guess I was wrong. Carty's not very political. He makes choices on these types of things. He said he's not voting for Dina Titus(running for Congress here in Nevada) because she has "jacked up teeth". My Mama does the same thing. She didn't like John Kerry in '04 because his face was shaped funny. These are your undecided voters. And we wonder why we end up with the leaders we get.......Here are the football picks.

Picks of the week. Last Week (2-2) Season(13-9)

BYU(-28.5) @ UTAH ST.
GEORGIA TECH(-18.5) @ DUKE
TEXAS TECH(-7) @ KANSAS STATE
BRONCOS(-3) VS TAMPA BAY
TITANS(-3) VS RAVENS

BONO-LAST WEEK(9-4) SEASON(32-28) MAMA-LAST WEEK(7-6) SEASON(27-33)

COLTS(-3) AT TEXANS......B-TEXANS......M-TEXANS
TITANS(+3) AT RAVENS.....B-TITANS....M-RAVENS
CHARGERS(-7) AT DOLPHINS....B-DOLPHINS.....M-CHARGERS
CHIEFS(+9.5) AT PANTHERS.....B-PANTHERS......M-PANTHERS
REDSKINS(+6) AT EAGLES.......B-SKINS.....M-SKINS
BEARS(-3.5) AT LIONS......B-LIONS.....M-BEARS
FALCONS(+5) AT PACKERS.......B-PACKERS....M-FALCONS
SEAHAWKS(+7) AT GIANTS.......B-GIANTS....M-GIANTS
BUCCANEERS(+3) AT BRONCOS......B-BRONCOS.....M-BUCS
PATRIOTS(-3) AT 49ERS........B-PATS.....M-49ERS
BILLS(PICK) AT CARDINALS.......B-CARDS.....M-CARDS
BENGALS(+16.5) AT COWBOYS.......B-BENGALS....M-COWBOYS
STEELERS(+4) AT JAGUARS......B-JAGS......M-JAGS
VIKINGS(-3) AT SAINTS.......B-VIKINGS....M-VIKINGS

I'm an idiot

The other night my Mama asked me if I would go see I would go see "Nights in Rodanthe" with her. Being my always thoughtful and courteous self, I said sure. I somehow missed all the trailers on TV. I had no idea what the movie is about. I thought it was called "Knights in Rodanthe". I assumed it was some historical piece about knights in England or something. A movie along the lines of "Braveheart". Boy was I wrong. I really need to start researching this stuff. The movie is a total chick flick. Richard Gere is in it. Oh goodness. What did I get my self into? I looked up the trailer on You Tube (check it if you in the mood for boredom. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VJ6pKLRZaGk) it does not seem to leave much in terms of suspense. It's about an inn keeper(Diane Lane). A guest comes along(Richard). They're both lonely for some reason(I guess that's the suspense)and they hook up with each other. Yawn. I never go back on a promise though, so I'll go through with it. I might get bailed out though. My Mama and Cindy are going to watch some other girl movie and they said they might go watch "Rodanthe" afterward. A cat can hope. Speaking of movies, I saw a commercial for the unfortunately named "Zack and Miri make a porno". Movie executives need to give a little more thought to these titles. I felt creepy just typing the title. No way I'm going to holler out the title to the 15year old girl working the ticket booth. I think mentioning porno to a girl that young might be a crime. I guess I could just by a ticket for a different movie and go into this one. But what if the title attracts your usual porno crowd. No way I'm chancing watching a movie in a theater full of guys wearing sweatpants and trench coats. Yuck. I think I'll have to wait till this is on pay-per view if I watch it at all. One more entertainment related note. The final season of ER starts tonight. I haven't watched this show in years. I stopped when the employees of the hospital started dying more frequently than the patients and Dr. Kovac banged all the female characters and was starting to make his second go around with them. You think OSHA would do some investigation into that hospital. They had shootings, stabbings, helicopters crashing at the entrance. Ridiculous. How is this show still on? My Mama has a huge crush on John Romain-Stamos(I know it just Stamos and he's not married to her any more but I just think it's funny to say it that way). Even the addition of him to the show couldn't get my Mama watch again.........Here's my football picks of the week.

Last Week(3-2) Season(11-7)

CALIFORNIA(-26)VS COLORADO ST
OKLAHOMA(-18) VS TEXAS CHRISTIAN
NEW MEXICO ST(+3) VS NEW MEXICO
CHARGERS(-7.5) AT OAKLAND


BONO VS MAMA PICKS....BONO LAST WEEK(6-10) SEASON(23-24) MAMA (5-11)(20-27)

BRONCOS(-9.5) AT CHIEFS.....B-BRONCOS.....M-CHIEFS
BROWNS(+3.5) AT BENGALS....B-BENGALS....M-BENGALS
TEXANS(+7) AT JAGUARS.....B-JAGS.....M-JAGS
CARDINALS(+1) AT JETS.....B-JETS.....M-JETS
49ERS(+4.5) AT SAINTS.....B-SAINTS...M-49ERS
FALCONS(+7) AT PANTHERS.....B-PANTHERS....M-PANTHERS
VIKINGS(+3) AT TITANS.....B-TITANS....M-VIKINGS
PACKERS(+1) AT BUCCANEERS....B-BUCS....M-PACKERS
BILLS(-8) AT RAMS.......B-BILLS.....M-RAMS
CHARGERS(-7.5) AT RAIDERS.....B-CHARGERS....M-CHARGERS
REDSKINS(-11) AT COWBOYS......B-SKINS.....M-SKINS
EAGLES(+3) AT BEARS.....B-BEARS....M-BEARS
RAVENS(+5.5) AT STEELERS....B-STEELERS....M-RAVENS

BONO LOSES HIS ASS PLAYING THE PONIES; FED TO BAIL HIM OUT.

Of course this really didn't happen. I would be cool if it could though. You know. Be like a major financial organization. Did you hear the news today? The government is just going to bail all of them out at once by taking all the crappy loans they have now, instead of waiting for them to fold one by one overtime. It's only going to cost a trillion dollars or so. Trillion really is a number. It's not some crazy exaggeration. Guess who gets to pay it? Yes, all of us. I tried to figure out how much per-person/cat. But a trillion doesn't fit on my calculator. I guess this plan is better than the alternative which would be the Great Depression part two. We would have a bunch of pictures of long lines at soup kitchens of men wearing fedora hats. When did that fad end? Every picture I see from the Great Depression the men have fedoras on. Besides Tom Landry and pimps nobody kept wearing them. Weird. We still might have the Great Depression part two, but this might delay it for a while. All this crap was pretty much started with greed. By pretty much everybody. It must be sweet to be or have been a CEO of one of these companies. Run a company into the ground with little or no consequences. Sure, they might feel bad for losing investors money or getting all the employees laid off. But have you heard of any of them returning the gigantic bonuses(as high as nine figures!) they got from the years that they were booking all these shitty loans? Me neither. Speaking of shitty loans. All the companies were handing out cash to pretty much anyone. With crazy terms, like negative amortization, interest only and worst of all stated income. You just told them what you make without proving it and they would give you a loan. Huh? Who would have thought that level of somebody's income might have something to do with there ability to pay back a loan? Were all these guys hung over the day they taught that at business school? Consumers are at fault also. They knew they were getting into loans they couldn't afford. They all thought they were Donald Trump and were going make a fortune in real estate and sell their house for a profit before the payment spiked. Didn't workout. A bunch of them complain that they didn't understand the terms of their loans. Cry me river. If your stupid enough to borrow $300k without knowing the terms you deserve to lose your house. Here's an idea. If you don't know the terms of your loan. Ask somebody that does! And not the guy selling it to you dipshit! On top of all this, now hardly anybody can get a loan. Flaco won't sell you nip on credit anymore; unless you get him a current pay stub and your previous year's taxes. You also have to sign a form 4506-T so he can verify that you actually filed your taxes with the IRS. It's crazy! I know I sound kind of preachy. I learned all this from my Mama. Blame her..............Here a my football picks of the week.

Last week(3-2) Season(8-5)

BYU(-28) VS. WYOMING
GEORGIA TECH(-7.5) VS MISSISSIPPI ST.
PANTHERS(+3.5) @ VIKINGS
BRONCOS(-5) VS. SAINTS
JAGUARS(+5.5) @ COLTS

BONO VS MAMA PICKS
LAST WEEK BONO(8-7) MAMA(6-8) SEASON BONO(17-14) MAMA(15-16)

CHIEFS(+4.5) @ FALCONS........B-FALCONS....M-FALCONS
RAIDERS(+9) @ BILLS.....B-BILLS.....M-BILLS
TEXANS(+5) @ TITANS.....B-TEXANS.....M-TITANS
BENGALS(+13) @ GIANTS.....B-GIANTS.....M-GIANTS
CARDINALS(+3) @ REDSKINS....B-SKINS.....M-CARDINALS
DOLPHINS(+12.5) @ PATRIOTS.....B-PATRIOTS....M....PATRIOTS
BUCCANEERS(+3) @ BEARS.....B-BUCS....M-BEARS
PANTHERS(+3.5) @ VIKINGS....B-PANTHERS...M-PANTHERS
RAMS(+10) @ SEAHAWKS.....B-SEAHAWKS....M-SEAHAWKS
LIONS(+4) @ 49ERS......B-LIONS....M-49ERS
SAINTS(+5) @ BRONCOS....B-BRONCOS.....M-BRONCOS
STEELERS(+3) @ EAGLES.....B-STEELERS.....M-STEELERS
JAGUARS(+5.5) @ COLTS....B-JAGS....M-JAGS
BROWNS(+1.5) @ RAVENS....B-RAVENS....M-RAVENS
COWBOYS(-3) @ PACKERS....B-PACKERS...M-PACKERS
JETS(+9) @ CHARGERS.....B-JETS....M-CHARGERS



)

The Perfect Sunday

You might remember back when I was posing on my Mama's site it posted an entry from my journal of what me and Carty did when her and my dad were out of town. It's been a while so I decided I would do it again. If you remember a couple weeks ago on my football bets of the week I had four wins and only one loss. This gave me quite a bit of extra cash to throw around. So I decided I would up grade my condo for the rest of the football season. I went out and got an HD flat screen, TIVO, signed up with Direct TV to get the NFL package and got the place hooked up with wireless Internet. You know, the works. So this Sunday was the weekend to break it all in. I was giddy all last week. Me and Carty had two of our good friends from the neighborhood over to enjoy the games, Chico and Simba. I kept a detailed log of how our football fabulous day went.

7:01am......Sleeping above my Mama's head. Barley awake I look at the clock. Aaahhhh it's past 7am! I jump up, my Mama's sleeping on her back so I bounce from over her head, bounce off her butt, on to my dad's bare chest(there is a reason for all this) dig all my claws into his chest, lunge off the bed and sprint full speed down to the garage. That where the case of Bud Light long necks I bought are. Whoow! There still there. It imperative I get these on ice at least three hours before kickoff.

7:02am.....I'm a 13lb cat trying to get a case of Bud Light from the garage to the kitchen and into an ice chest. It's not going well. I was expecting help from my dad. I heard him scream when I dug my claws into his chest. I know he's awake. I'm making a bunch of racket. What's the deal?

7:21am.....Beer is finally on ice. No help from dad. My whole ruckus I made when I woke up got Mama up though. She's making breakfast.

7:53am.....Mama made breakfast burritos with New Mexico green chile. A taste of home. You've never had a breakfast burrito till you've had a NM green chile breakfast burrito. I had mine with a cup of coffee and caught up on the days news on the Internet

8:42am.....It's litter time. A little math. Green Chile + Coffee=Bowel movements.

8:43am.....My dad walks by our litter. He's taken back by the smell. He says "are you a cat or an elephant"? I chuckle.

9:00am.....No church today. I went last night. Thank God for Saturday evening services. It's God's gift to NFL fans. I think it's prophesied in Ezekiel. Maybe Daniel. It's my second favorite part of the Bible. Second only to Proverbs 27, verses 15 and 16. "A quarrelsome wife is like a constant dripping on a rainy day; restraining her is like restraining the wind or grasping oil with the hand." That's hilarious! I can't believe that's in the Bible. Don't tell me God doesn't have a sense or humor.

9:45am.....Chico and Simba make it. We start go get settled in to my condo. Thank God neither one of them brought any wives or girlfriends. Nothing ruins a guy day more than a wet blanket wife or girlfriend. You have to watch your language. Eliminate %85 of potential jokes and sarcastic comments. You have to explain stupid things like, why to the refs throw the little yellow thingies. It's the cardinal rule of Mandom. You don't bring your girl to football day. It just screws everything up. Only 15 minuets to kickoff for the morning games!!!

10:00am.....This is the best part. The anticiaption before all the fun happens. We're all settled in to our ass groves. Twist open the 1st beer. Which is ice cold. Just how I like it. HD TV. Eight football games at the click of a remote. My laptop with wireless Internet to track our Fantasy Football teams. I try to appreciate moments like this. Life just doesn't get any better. If had $10,000,0000 in the bank, I would be doing the exact same thing I am right now. It's rare you can say that. And the room doesn't even smell like farts yet.

10:43am.....We're flipping around to all the different games. I'm gracious host so we alternate the remote in 15min intervals. We all have various bets on the games, which makes things even more interesting. Football is like good apple pie. Betting on football is like good apple pie with a big scoop of ice cream.

11:37am.....We're all officially buzzed.

12:01pm.....We see the start of what seems like the 100th political ad. We never see a complete ad because we just change the channel to a different game. But all four of us agree that for Obama to have any shot at winning the election he needs to get rid of Biden and get the mom from "Jon and Kate plus Eight" to be his running mate and give himself a nickname that's at lease, if not more ridiculous than the "Original Maverick". We have a hard time coming up with good ones. Simba says "Sweet Barack-O". I said "Smooth B-Obama". Carty says it should be "El Gallo Negro". Which translates to "The Black Rooster" in Spanish. He says it will appeal to the Hispanic voters. Whatever.

12:30pm......Carty calls Flaco to bet the afternoon games. Flaco also runs a bookmaking operation. We ask Carty why he bets through Flaco and doesn't just go to a casino here in town? Carty says it's funner if it's illegal. I warn him to not even dare invite Flaco over.

12:32pm......My previously useless dad felt bad about this morning and brings us Chinese takeout for lunch.

12:35pm......Carty figures out a way to wedge his head under the handle of the Chinese takeout box so it just hangs in front of him like a feed bag. He says "look, no paws".

1:03pm.......Carty is still eating. I'm searching the Internet for the record amount of chow mein consumed by a 15lb cat. He has to be closing in on the record.

1:10pm.......Carty gets his head stuck inside the take out box. He starts to panic. He's rolling around on the ground trying to get his head unlodged from between the box and handle. He starts yelling "help guys, I can't breathe"! We laugh hysterically as we help him get unlodged.

1:11pm.......Carty's head is covered in chow mien juice. I spend the next 5 min. licking it off him. The things we do for family.

1:20pm.......Carty lost his ass on the morning games. He says he loaded up on Miami getting 7 points against Arizona to make it all up. We all laugh at him.

1:21pm.......Miami is losing 14-0. We laugh again.

1:41pm.......Chico's cell phone rings. He looks at the face without answering. It his wife. His reaction is this. Yelling at the face of his cell phone "Son of a, one day! Just one day a week! That's all I ask! Just one day without dealing with your crap"! He flips the phone open then says "hey babe, what's up". The rest of us laugh. Clearly his wife has not read Proverbs 27, 15-16.

2:00pm.......We're officially hammered.

2:01pm.......Miami is losing 21-0. Carty throws a bottle cap across the room. The rest of us laugh.

2:22pm.......The room officially smells like farts.

3:01pm.......The Bronco vs. Chargers games is about as good as football gets. Revelry is in full force.

3:51pm.......Miami loses 31-3. We all laugh.

3:57pm.......The Bronco's game is an absolute cliffhanger. Carty has to pee really bad but does not want to miss what happens. He standing up doing a little dance to keep from peeing. He begs us to just pause it because it's on Tivo. The rest of us agree. No way we are pausing it. To much fun watching the game and him prancing around.

4:15pm........We agree that we all need naps before that late game at 5pm.

4:55pm........We wake up and crack out the beer. And call in pizza delivery. Which was me yelling out of my condo. "Mama, make us some pizza! And bring it to us".

6:10pm........The late game is a snore. It's the Steelers Vs. Browns. So we know the Steelers are going to win. It just a matter of by how much. On top of that, the game is being played in what is left of Hurricane Ike. So there are 60mph winds. Making scoring next to impossible. We start flipping around to other channels during commercials.

6:51pm.......We're all offically totally shitfaced.

6:53pm.......We all complain about how stupid our names are. Why can't just be named Jim, Tom, James and Tony?

7:01pm.......Carty gets up to go to the litter. The TV is on MTV. Katy Perry on is on the screen singing "I kissed a girl and I liked iiiiit..." As Carty trotts by.

7:10pm.......Carty re-enters the room. Stands in front of the TV and starts doing a litte dance and sings "I just took a dump and I liked iiiiit.....I liked ittttt". We laugh hysterically.

7:32pm........Simba and Carty are passed out.

7:43pm........Chico's wife sends him a text message. He simply gets up and walks to the exit. Holds up a paw to say bye. No words necessary. He going home to try to grasp oil with his hands. Carty, who I thought was passed out lifts his head and moves his arm over his head and motions it toward Chico like craking a bull whip and makes the whip sound. Waahhhker! Then he put is head back down to go to sleep. I laugh.

8:01pm.......What a great day. But I'm hanging on by a thread. I can pass out at any moment

Control your broad. Or I'll control her for you.

That's one of my favorite lines from the Godfather II. Towards the beginning of the movie Michael Corleone tells that to Fredo when the floozy that Fredo brings to Michael's son's 1st Holy Communion gets drunk and starts making a scene. I bring this up because Jessica Simpson is about to destroy my Cowboys season. Again! She was on Good Morning America this week saying that the Cowboys were going to stomp the Eagles this coming Monday. This is unacceptable. If the Eagles didn't already have enough motivation to snap Tony Romo's leg in half, now they really have it. The guys girlfriend is talking shit? This type of thing in frowned upon in the sports world. In any world really. It's similar to being in a bar when two guys kind of get into it with each other, then one of they guy's toasted girlfriend chimes in and starts yelling at the other guy that he better back off or her boyfriend is going to kick his ass. All this does is make the guy look like a dweeb because his girlfriend is sticking up of him. Well that how this situation is. I bring up the Godfather quote because all this week Tony Romo's teammates are all telling him to control his broad. What's up with Jessica trying to sing country music anyway? Trying to change genres to revive a career? Has anybody ever pulled this off? My Dad told me about Garth Brooks turning into Chris Gaines a while back. Wow, that's really weird. Seems like it was an awkward moment for everyone involved. I'm glad I missed that....Well here's my picks picks of the week and the picks for the competition against my Mama. I had a big week with my picks last week going 4-1. Me and Mama tied in our 1st week with 9-7 records. Some reasons for her picks this week. She picked against Minnesota because she hates snow. In a tough choice she picked Carolina over Chicago because she likes the Carolina Sweetie ribs from Tony Roma's just a little better than Chicago deep dish pizza. New Orleans because she feels sorry for them.

Picks of the Week......LAST WEEK(4-1) SEASON RECORD(5-3)

NEBRASKA(-24.5) VS. NEW MEXICO STATE
OKLAHOMA(-20) @ WASHINGTON
ARIZONA(-10) @ NEW MEXICO
BRONCOS(+2) VS. CHARGERS
STEELERS(-6) @ BROWNS

NFL PICKS

RAIDERS VS CHIEFS.......B-CHIEFS M-CHIEFS
TITANS VS BENGALS.......B-TITANS M-BENGALS
COLTS VS VIKINGS........B-VIKINGS M-COLTS
SAINTS VS REDSKINS......B-REDSKINS M-SAINTS
PACKERS VS LIONS........B-LIONS M-PACKERS
BEARS VS PANTHERS.......B-PANTHERS M-PANTHERS
GIANTS VS RAMS..........B-GIANTS M-GIANTS
BILLS VS JAGUARS........B-BILLS M-JAGUARS
FALCONS VS BUCCANEERS...B-BUCS M-FALCONS
49ERS VS SEAHAWKS.......B-49ERS M-49ERS
DOLPHINS VS CARDINALS...B-DOLPHINS M-CARDINALS
PATRIOTS VS JETS........B-JETS M-JETS
RAVENS VS TEXANS........B-TEXANS M-RAVENS
CHARGERS VS BRONCOS.....B-BRONCOS M-CHARGERS
STEELERS VS BROWNS......B-STEELERS M-STEELERS
EAGLES VS COWBOYS.......B-COWBOYS M-COWBOYS

25 Sex secrets that will drive him crazy...

#25 Lick his....ahhh I'm not going to do it. I'm tastless but not that tastless. I saw that header on a Cosmopolitan magazine the last time I was at the grocery store. I've seen similar ones countless times on woman's magazines. I've never actually read one of the articles. I am kind of curious on what they say. I already know it's nothing helpful because I'm a guy. There are only 7 to 12 things that drive us crazy. You can very them slightly but you can only catagorize them in 7 to 12 basic catagories. Also, none of them are secrets. We're guys, why would we keep it a secret? What do you think we do? Sit around watching the game with your buddies, then you say "Hey guys, there's this thing that drives me crazy in the sack. But don't tell my old lady, I want to keep it just between us". No, that doesn't happen. If you want to know what the secrets are there are entire stores lining Industiral full of DVD's to fill you in.......Anyway, here are my football picks of the week. I got off to a slow start last week with a 1-2 mark. Hopfully the NFL starting will change our luck.

NEBRASKA(-26) VS. SAN JOSE ST.
TEXAS TECH(-10) VS. NEVADA
TEXAS A&M(-3) @ NEW MEXICO
COWBOYS(-5) @ BROWNS
PACKERS(-2.5) VS. VIKINGS

BONO VS. MAMA

The 1st NFL game is tomorrow night!!!! Were doing a little experiment here at Bono's Blog. I'm going to have a season long picks contest against my Mama. All the picks are against the spread. The Football Neophyte VS. The Feline Football Guru. It should be fun. I used all my football expertise for my picks. Here is a sampling of the reasons my Mama picked the teams she did; She picked New England because she likes New England food. Buffalo because she likes Buffalo wings. Chicago because she likes Chicago deep dish pizza. In a rare non-food related pick, she took Atlanta over Detroit because an ex-boy friend was a Lions fan. To get into the mood for the season I decided to polish up my mini-helmet collection. I collected them from gumball machines. It took me years. Right when I finished they started selling complete collections at the mall for $20. A-holes. It cost me probably three times that. We'll at least I got the satisfaction of getting them the old fashioned way. My Dad took these pictures. That idiot can't take a picture for shit. He never remembers to turn the flash off. It took me about five minutes to get my vision back after this. Here are the picks. The B means Bono's pick, the M means Mama.

REDSKINS(+4) AT GIANTS.......B-REDSKINS M-GIANTS
BENGALS(-1.5) AT RAVENS......B-BENGALS M-RAVENS
JETS(-3) AT DOLPHINS.........B-JETS M-DOLPHINS
CHIEFS(+16.5) AT PATRIOTS....B-CHIFS M-PATRIOTS
TEXANS(+6.5) AT STEELERS.....B-STEELERS M-TEXANS
JAGUARS(-3) AT TITANS........B-TITANS M-JAGUARS
LIONS AT(-3) FALCONS.........B-FALCONS M-FALCONS
SEAHAWKS(PK) AT BILLS........B-BILLS M-BILLS
BUCCANEERS(+3.5) AT SIANTS...B-SAINTS M-SAINTS
RAMS(+7) AT EAGLES...........B-RAMS M-EAGLES
COWBOYS(-5) AT BROWNS........B-COWBOYS M-BROWNS
PANTHERS(+9.5) AT CHARGERS...B-PANTHERS M-CHARGERS
CARDINALS(-2.5) AT 49ERS.....B-49ERS M-49ERS
BEARS(+9.5) AT COLTS.........B-COLTS M-BEARS
VIKINGS(+2.5) AT PACKERS.....B-PACKERS M-PACKERS
BRONCOS(-3) AT RAIDERS.......B-RAIDERS M-RAIDERS

I can't help my self.....

With a couple months to the election I really did not want to get real political quite yet. But it turns out Sarah Palin's daughter is pregnant. As you all know I'm kind of left leaning so I have to admit it's been kind of fun watching the Republicans, the "values party", tap dance today. It's pretty funny thinking about the GOP looking for their Carol Brady to run for Vice President; they finally find her but they forget to check if Marsha is knocked up. Whoops!! They must have had the same guy that thought there were WMD's in Iraq head up VP search process. He'll probably be sweeping up the arena tonight after the convention. I don't want to gloat to much though. We'll probably find out Joe Biden was banging his hair dresser next week, so I don't want to get carried away. Also, I don't think it's fair to pile on. It's tough enough for a 17 year-old girl to deal with a pregnancy in it self. Having "values" doesn't change your physiology. She got horny and a mistake happened. Give her a break. Obama is saying the right things but that does not do much to quiet other lefties. For instance, Lindsey Lohan weighed in on the subject on her blog. Lindsey Lohan! Lindsey weighing in on moral issues on her blog is just slightly less absurd than say a cat blogging about the same subject. Also, as a child of a single biological mother I can't be to critical. Yeah, my Dad left my Mom in some alley a couple weeks after he found out he knocked her up. He promised her that they would get place together under a dumpster behind a Wal-Mart. Then one morning, poof! He was gone. Bastard! My Mom was working with a kitten support attorney before I was adopted. I'm not sure she ever got anything out of him.......This gets to a related subject though. Through out political debate you hear the term of "Traditional Family". This concept usually comes up during the gay marriage debate. It refers to the idea that a traditional family is a Husband, Wife, they have a couple kids, dog, cat, house. The husband has a good job and mom has to work very little if at all. The kids grow up great, go to college and they whole cycle repeats it self. The concept is great. Unfortunately it's a big crock of shit. On my short time on this planet one thing I've figured out is that the "Traditional Family" is almost always nontraditional. In fact the Traditional Family is all screwed up. Just in the families I know there are a bunch of marriages with step kids. Kids out of wedlock. Mom's almost always have to work. Kid's don't go to college, cat starts some crazy blog. There are a bunch of factors that throw the whole plan out of wack. I bet you anything you have at least one family member that is certifiably wacko. If you think you don't then you're the crazy one. I have like eight of them on my Dad's side alone. All products of the "Traditional Family" system. I think this idea stems from '50s TV shows. You know. Leave it to Beaver, Father Know Best etc. Everybody thinks the '50s were the perfect time for some reason. We should go back an make 50's shows when the Dad would come home an treat Mom like shit but she couldn't leave him because of the stigma of divorce and she couldn't get a decent job to support herself. Or a '50s show about the African-American family that couldn't use the same restroom as white people. Wow, they were enlightened back then. The show can be called "Father Doesn't know shit". It seems to me the 50's were great for white males. For everybody else it sucked. That's why we had the 60's and 70's.

Bon's Pick of the Week

This is new feature on my blog. One that I would not have been able to pull of when I was blogging under my Mama's flag. She hates when I talk football. You should have heard her complaints about my last two blogs...I'm going to give my best football bets of the week. Here are this weeks picks.

Michgan(-4) vs. Utah
TCU(-6.5) @ New Mexico
Virginia(+19.5) vs. USC


Please gamble responsibly

Bono's NFL Preview....Part 2

Before I get to the rest of my preview I'm shocked and appalled by the comment Cindy made about my Mama's birthday wish. 1st of all, I'm shocked anyone still reads my blog. I had no idea. I just kept writing it for my own entertainment. Boy, I hope no Cubans are reading my blog. I can be in some real trouble. 2nd, I'm appalled at Cindy calling my Mama an old bag. An old bag!! That is unacceptable. Maybe a slightly worn bag or a bag with minor tattering on the corners, but certainly not an old bag. One more outburst like that and I'll demand her Bono's Best of Vegas '08 banner back.....We'll back to my NFL preview. Today is the NFC(National Football Conference).

NFC EAST

Dallas Cowboys(12-4): My 'Boys are on a mission this year! They'll be in the Super Bowl......My Grandma Berlinda was a huge fan of the TV show Dallas. When she got transferred to night shift at work in the early 80's, she paid $1200 for a VCR to record Dallas and Dynasty.

Philadelphia Eagles(9-7): They had injury problems last year. They should be back in the playoffs.......The thing I love about Philly. It is the birthplace of our Nation. The freakin Declaration of Independence was signed there. But now it's more famous for a beef and cheese sandwich? Only in America. Another thing about Philly. They have a statue of Rocky in front of their Art Museum. Yes, they have a statue of a fictional movie character. It one of the biggest tourist attractions in the city. I'm guessing they have some statues of say Ben Franklin, Thomas Jefferson etc. But the Rocky statue gets all the attention. Again, only in America. I think Vegas should get bronze statues of fictional characters from Vegas movies. Charlie and Ray Babbit from Rainman. A statue of a tanked up Nicholas Cage from Leaving Las Vegas holding a snifter of gin in front of City Hall. Don't tell me Mayor Goodman won't go for that.

Washington Redskins(9-7): They have the most politically incorrect name in sports....DC serves as the center of all three major branches of our government(executive, legislative and judicial). This was decided well before the nuclear age. Now that a single bomb can destroy an entire city, shouldn't we be giving this structure a second thought? I know it not the most uplifting thing to talk about, but I just thought I would throw it out there.

New York Giants(6-10): They sucked last year but still won the Super Bowl. They suck again this year......Have you ever wondered how Sarah Jessica Parker's character on Sex in the City has a $10k a month apartment in Manhattan? She works for a free newspaper!!....Yes, I admit it. I watch Sex in the City. We all have our embarrassing little things.

NFC SOUTH

New Orleans Saints(12-4): They'll be back in there 2006 form this year.....There is another hurricane heading there way as I type this. So they'll probably be playing in San Antonio this year. Quick, somebody get Brownie on phone!!

Carolina Panthers(7-9): I can see them in the playoffs or winning 3 games.....Charlotte is one of the Nations largest banking centers. Bank of America and Wachovia are based there. This also qualifies the City as one of the Nations largest centers of Dipshits.

Tampa Bay Buccanneers(9-7): Their quarterback Jeff Garcia is half Irish and half Mexican. Somehow he's not an alcoholic.......Most people don't know that Tampa Bay just refers to the area of Tampa Bay. The city itself is just called Tampa. No Bay. Surveys have concluded that people don't know this because they really don't give a shit.

Atlanta Falcons(6-10): They suck.......I can't believe that this city actually hosted an Olympics. Olympic cities: Athens, Barcelona, Paris, London, Rome, Sydney, ATLANTA? A city that has a significant number of residence named Scooter has hosted an Olympics. I'll never get over it.

NFC NORTH

Green Bay Packers(9-7): They'll be ok without Favre.....How the hell did Green Bay get a pro football team? Do you know where Green Bay is? I punched in directions to Green Bay into my Mama's GPS navigator for her car to find out. It told me to go f**k my self.

Detroit Lions(9-7): They'll be so so before going back to being terrible again next year......This city is a real dump. It's not as bad a Oakland because it sits on a significantly less appealing body of water

Minnesota Vikings(8-8): Their quarterback is a joke......The Republican National Convention is there next week. They had to hire additional staff for the concession stands at the arena. This is the 1st time in 8 years the Republican Party has created new jobs for actual Americans with in the boarders of the Country. They create plenty outside the boarders. Those ones usually include dodging road side bombs though. The ones they create with in the boarders go to illegal immigrants. That concrete isn't going to lay it self, you know. Ironic isn't it?

Chicago Bears(3-13): This team is going to be really bad. My Dad went to college with their linebacker Brian Urlacher. Since collage Brian is well into a Hall of Fame career. My Dad has accomplished nothing of note......Barack Obama's crazy pastor's church is in Chicago. I want to go there. I've always wanted to go to a black church where they yell out affirmations during the service. Like, "amen", say it again brother", "got that right", "hallelujah", "the truth will set you free!". It just seems like they are having allot more fun than at my church.

NFC WEST

Seattle Seahawks(9-7): They'll win this bad division.....This city perfected Grunge Rock and Roll and overpriced coffee beverages. Just like grunge the rest of America if finally catching on that the overpriced coffee is really not that good.

St. Louis Rams(9-7): Las Vegas native Stephen Jackson their starting running back....Carty thinks St. Louis BBQ is better than KC BBQ. We both take our BBQ very seriously. This is a big source of tension between us.

Arizona Cardinals(7-9): They have won one playoff game since the 1930's.......When people from Las Vegas think your city gets to hot in the summer you have issues.


San Francisco 49ers(5-11): Their quarterback is name J.T. O'Sullivan. It sounds like the name of a guy owns a pub that has Guinness on tap, not an NFL QB......In my last blog I said I wanted my Dad to take my Mama to all crab related cities. This is the only crab related city my Dad has taken my Mama. Other cities where you can catch crabs. Portland, Maine. Anchorage, Boston, Parumph, Bangcock, Amsterdam, North Las Vegas. Oh, that makes it two cites she's been to where you can catch crabs.


Super Bowl: Cowboys beat Jacksonville

BONO'S NFL PREVIEW....PART 1

It's almost here!! Football!!! See my Mama's blog for my previous thoughts on football(http://jengabaldon.blogspot.com/2008_01_01_archive.html). Somebody remind her that she needs to blog also. It's been a flat month today since she did a new post. Anyway, I figured since I did an Olympic preview, I better do an NFL preview. A sport I actually care about. Not that the Olympics didn't have their moments. My favorite was when the USA won the 4x100 freestyle swimming relay. If your head was buried in the sand an you missed it, some French swimmer Alain Bernard said that the French were going "smash" America in the relay. Ok, first all if you are male and your name is Alain(pronounced Elaine, like from Seinfeld) you are already considered a pussy. Then you start spouting off like that! And you're French! We'll in the last leg the American swimmer Jason Lezak over came what seemed like an insurmountable lead held by our friend Alaine. It was really dramatic. My Mama was out of town so it was just myself, Carty and my Dad watching in our living room that was littered with empty beer cans and Chinese take out boxes. We were all yelling at the TV, cheering for the US. When they ultimately won we started hugging and giving high fives. When they showed Alain on the TV, Carty got up on his hind legs, pointed at the screen and yelled "Get some of that Pierre. Don't forget to wear your beret on your way out you, freakin Frenchy". That was the best moment of the Olympics for me. Possibly the most patriotic moment of my life. After that we spent the next ten minutes making France surrendering jokes. It was great.....Anyway on to my NFL preview. I'll put my predictions on the teams records and some random thoughts on the city/region that each team plays in. Today I'll do the AFC, that stands for American Football Conference. Man, I wish my readers knew more about football so I didn't have to explain this crap.

AFC EAST

New England Patriots(12-4): They won't be a good as last year but they'll still be pretty good. I'm pretty sure Tom Brady is still banging Gisselle Buchen. That has no relevance here, I just wanted to type that......The Patriots play near Boston. Do people in Boston know how ridiculous their accents are? Boston has the highest concentration of quality institutions of higher learning in the world. Yet the majority of their residents sound like complete idiots when they talk.

New York Jets(8-8): They'll suck slightly less now that they picked up Brett Favre.....They actually play in swamp land in New Jersey. Not New York.

Buffalo Bills(6-10): Nobody good wants to play for them. Would you want to work in up state New York in December?.....They play near Niagara Falls. It's much more entertaining to watch water fall than it is to watch this team play.

Miami Dolphins(6-10): They were the worst team in the league last year.....Miami has a bunch of Cubans. Read my Olympic preview for my thoughts on Cubans. That should tell you what I think about the city of Miami.

AFC SOUTH

Jacksonville Jaguars(13-3): They took a step forward last year. They'll take another one this year. They'll be in the Super Bowl.....My auntie Ashley is from Jacksonville. The day before she married my Uncle Kevin in Jacksonville my Dad got completely ripped and puked all over the city. I love that story!

Indianapolis Colts(9-7): They won't be as good as they have been.....Indiana is so boring I can't think of a better way to insult people from there.

Houston Texans(9-7): They'll be a dangerous team again this year. Maybe more if they don't have as many injuries as last year......Houston is in constant battle with San Antonio for the fattest city in America. Carty would fit right in there. I can't have blog with out taking a shot at Carty.

Tennessee Titans(8-8): They have mediocrity down pat.....Tennessee accents are just as bad as Boston accents. But they only have on great institution of higher learning(Vanderbilt) so I'll give them a little bit of a break.

AFC NORTH

Pittsburgh Steelers(12-4): They'll be better this year than last.....Pittsburgh always has a high unemployment rate because they have a bunch of guys sitting around waiting for the steel mill or coal mine that closed 35 years ago to re-open. Your job is in China! It's not going to reopen! There is a Linens and Things where the mill used to be! Take an MS Excel class or something! Get a job! Any job!

Cincinnati Bengals(8-8): They be ok because they have 4 games against the Ravens and Browns.....Jerry Springer used to be the mayor and if you cross the river you are in Kentucky. That should tell you all you need to know about Cincy.

Baltimore Ravens(4-12): 4 wins might be a bit generous for this crappy team.....They city is known for crab cakes. My Mama loves crab cakes. I'm trying to convince my Dad to take my Mama to all crab related cities. Frisco is off the list.

Cleveland Browns(4-12): This is my Dad's team. They some how won 10 games last year but still missed the playoffs. They have a brutally difficult schedule. It will be a miracle if they win 10 games this year......In 1969 the Cuyahoga River that runs through the city started on fire. Yes, the river on fire! That's hilarious. Whenever I'm having a bad day I think about that and chuckle. It makes me fell better.

AFC WEST

San Diego Chargers(10-6): The most talented team in the league will gag in the playoffs again.....San Diego would be a great city if it didn't start on fire every other year. Rivers on fire are funny. Beautiful cities on fire are not.

Denver Broncos(10-6): They have a really easy schedule so their record will be better than they are......The Democratic National convention is in Denver this week. Business must be booming for hookers, escorts and strip clubs.

Oakland Raiders(5-11): They sucked really bad that last couple years. They still suck this year.....They city sits on one of the most naturally beautiful bodies of water in the world. Yet the place is a complete shit hole. How did they pull that off?

Kansas City Chiefs(5-11): This team might not score this year, so the 5 wins might be over optimistic.......I love KC bar-b-cue!!!!

Tune in later for my NFC predictions and Super Bowl pick.