Bono's Family's Annual Newsletter

I'm doing a family newsletter this year. Is that what they are called? You know those things that your more successful relatives mail you every year with their Holiday wishes. They subtly let you know that they have more money that you. Their kids are smarter than yours, they've been to better places than you and have better stuff than you do. I can't stand those things. Nobody can stand those things. Even the people that send them don't like them. They do it to piss you off. Your "loved ones" are actually buying envelopes and stamps to go out of their way to make you fell a little worse about yourself. These letters rank right next to fruit cake in Holiday Traditions that nobody likes but take part in them anyway. If I dislike them so much why am I doing one my self? Being the thoughtful cat that I am I decided to do a letter to make you fell a little better about your self. Consider it my gift you. Here it is....

Merry Christmas everyone!!! Hope you are all are doing we'll. This past year the Gabaldon Family has accomplished pretty much nothing. We may have gone backward actually. Carty still eats too much, he's always late whenever he needs to be somewhere, constantly into mischief and pisses off everyone around him. My Dad is up to his same old antics. You know watching football, eating too much, couldn't pick his nose, much less a winner when he goes to the race track. My Mama still eats too much, she's always late whenever she needs to be somewhere and pisses off everyone around her. Except me. Now what have I been up to? We'll my motivational books are still not published. I had animal control called on me when I tried dropping my manuscripts off at Simon and Schuster. My blog has like two readers. I think. It might be just me now. I still drink and gamble a little too much. Other than that It been a pretty plain year. My Mama went to San Francisco a couple times. But she had to use the cheap skate Fun Fares(if you consider a 4 hour delay fun)from Southwest Airlines because that is all she can afford. Her and my Dad stayed at a musty old hotel the smelled like an old ladies closet and was built circa 1908. She loved it!! She didn't sell a whole lot at any of her craft shows. My Dad did get suckered into running her table at one of the shows. Can you be anymore whipped? My goodness! Just put on a bra and panties, really. We did make it to our vacation home in Albuquerque a couple times. It always nice to get away from the desert. I'm being sarcastic if you can't tell. Oh yea! Remember the Certified Used Mercedes my Mama bought and was so proud of? Well it turns out it was a Certified piece of shit. It been in the shop six times, the paint is now two-tone for some reason nobody can figure out and it's worth about half of what she paid for it. Tell everybody you know not to buy a car from Fletcher Jones Mercedes in Las Vegas. That's about it. I hope that cheers you up for the Holiday's!

I would like to thank every one that sent us cards and or gifts. Last year I complained that my Auntie Shiloh sent us one bite each of fudge. This year she sent us zero bites of fudge each. Shelly or as I call her Bono's Blog reader formerly known as Rochelle, sent us a picture of her and her husband Doug. I was just telling Carty the other day. "Hey, we need a picture of Bono's Blog reader formerly known as Rochelle and Doug". The best gift though were some cookies from my Mama's friend Tracy. Long story but she's convinced that my self and Carty are members of Al-Qaeda. Which is absurd. Because if I was going to be a member of a radical Islamic group it would Hezbollah. Everybody knows that. Anyway keeping this in mind I was thinking the cookies could be a possible assassination attempt. So I tricked my Dad and Carty into eating a couple of the cookies to see if anything happened before I let my self or my Mama get into them. They were clean and very good.

"I deal with 120 degrees in July so I don't have to drive in this crap"

That's what my Mama said last seek when it snowed here in Vegas. You probably heard. It snowed twice last week here in Las Vegas. Despite growing up around it, my Mama despises snow. I'm not that big on it either. I thought it was pretty cool though. A nice change of pace in a city where the weather is very predictable. My self and Carty got pretty excited about it. We haven't seen snow in years. The last time I went out in the snow, it was an ill-fated attempt to spell my name. It was way too cold to hang around outside so I scrambled back inside. On Wednesday morning when the snow was coming down, me and Carty got real excited to go have a snowball fight. Seemed like a great change of pace from the usual conventional fight that we have just about every AM. It took us about half an hour to dig up our old winter gear. I hate getting my paws wet. Unless it's from my own spit. So I wear baby mittens on my paws. Carty wears one of those ridiculous fur hats that Russian soldiers always wear in the movies. They have the flaps on the side for your ears. Our Grandpa gave it to him. Put one of those hats on a cat, all you need is the top part to cover your ears. The flaps are useless for us. Carty wears the hat anyway. He tried getting on a parka my Mama got for him when we lived in New Mexico and Carty weighed about 5lbs less than now. It didn't fit. He wore it anyway. We stood at the open back door. I looked over to Carty and said "You're going down Sergei". The he looked at me and said "Bring it on Mittons". Then we sprinted to our respective positions. I went behind a bush in our back yard. Carty went behind one of the air conditioning units. We started packing our balls together. Our snowballs that is. I don't have any actual balls. Yet another reminder I've been neutered. Anyway, after about 45 seconds and an exchange of about 3 snowballs thrown at each other, Carty popped his head up and the following conversation happened.

Carty: Hey, hold on a sec.
Me:What do you want?
Carty:I'm freezing my ass off.
Me: Me too.
Carty: Let's go back inside. I Tivoed "Handy Manny". Let's go in and watch it.
Me:Ok......I'll make us some Irish Coffees.
Carty: Nice!

We trott back inside...So that was our snow day.

Can you believe I've been doing this crap for a year?

Yeah, I've been blogging for a whole year. I can't believe it either. No wonder I can't think of anything write anymore. That's why I'm mailing it in this week and re-posting my 1st blog. The term "mailing it in" doesn't really fit anymore. Nobody uses mail anymore. Maybe texting is the new equivalent to mailing something in. I guess I'm texting in this week's blog...some random things that caught my eye from re-reading it. I'm even more annoyed by American Idol than I was a year ago. John Edwards was still relevant enough to mention and hadn't been caught banging his really ugly hair dresser yet. Really John your going to end your political career for that?...originally posted 12/6/07

It's holiday season. Most years I can't wait for Christmas to get here. December can't move fast enough. The other night that changed. I saw and add for American Idol. I starts again on 1/15. I can't stand this show! Now I hope the month drags on. The butchering of music made by people with actual talent is bad enough, but that's not what I dislike most about the show. What really gets me are fans of the show. Judging by the ratings there are millions of you. I'm convinced there is something in the DNA of you humans which gives all of you the illusion that you can sing. You can't hide from it, it's everywhere. I bet you all know one, it might be the band leader at your church or the friend you get tanked up with at Happy Hour every Friday, but you know at least one person who thinks they can really sing. This show has given them all hope. They should change the name to "American Ahol". This is only fed by the spread of karaoke. My Grandpa owns a dive bar in Albuquerque. It used to be a reputable place. A place where alcoholics would gather and the only entertainment needed was a 16 inch television with some sporting event they no doubt bet whatever money that had left that was not already spent on smokes and booze. Now the place has been contaminated by the poison that is karaoke. Patrons still do all the stuff they did before, but now that also see fit to belt out a full rendition of "Sweet Caroline" for all the public to witness while they do it. It has completely killed the ambiance of the place. As you read this there are drunks across the country with pickled livers singing incoherent versions of classics by Skynard or Otis Redding, all fed by the American Idol craze. Good Help us! But if Paula goes bonkers again this year, somebody tell me right away.

I wanted to quickly touch on politics. For the record I lean left on most issues. I guess you can say I'm a south paw. Get it? Paw!! I have not decided who to vote for yet in the primary. How does a cat vote you ask? I found a precinct in Chicago that lets me vote as an absentee. As many times as I want to. But has anybody caught the size of Hillary's ass lately? It gigantic. I have to believe this is a tactic to gain black/hispanic male voters. Very shrewed. It'll be interesting to see how Obama and Edwards will counter this. Also, I pulled up Clinton inauguration footage on You Tube. Her ass was not nearly as big then. If she had the po-dunka-dunk she has now back on '95-'96, Slick Willie might not have needed to sneak chubby interns into the Oval Office. He would have has what he was looking for right at home. It could have changed the course of history. That's all for now.....Bono out.

It's been an surprising week

I wanted to post again sooner. However I was a little under the weather earlier this week. Here's a picture.

I don't why my Mama took a picture of me when I was sick. I look terrible. The weather was really good this week so being just a little under it wasn't that bad.....There were three things that really stuck out this past week. First, last Saturday me and my Dad were watching the Oregon State vs. Oregon football game. My Mama came from somewhere and joined us. Suddenly they showed a picture of the fans and they were holding up a big sign that said "Beaver Nation" on it.

With Oregon State's nickname being the beaver's, this came as no surprise to me and my Dad. But to our surprise my Mama got a huge chuckle out of this. Wow!! And here I though I was the only one in the house that enjoyed potty humor. I can't imagine what her reaction would have been if they were playing the South Carolina Gamecocks.....The second surprise was when me and Carty were playing Hide and Seek. A few times a month we play some pretty intense games of hide and seek. I know you guys think that it's a silly kids game. But not for cats, hide and seek is serious business. It would be much funner if Carty were actually good at it. His hiding places are usually not very good. But this one took the cake. He thought he was hiding under the blanket on the side of the bed. But he forgot to hide his tail!! Ridiculous.

I had my Dad snap a picture before I let him know I new where he was hiding.....Finally and most surprising. Really your not going to believe this. I was even contemplating not posting this but I can help my self....My Mama thought that we still went to the moon!! Yes! She thought that the Space Shuttle went to the moon!!! I couldn't believe it either. The Apollo program was shut down in 1972. I have know idea how she didn't know this.

Here are some other things I reminded her of just in case...The Dodgers play in Los Angeles, not Brooklyn. She can't fly TWA this holiday season. The Chevy Nova is no longer in production. She can't shop at Woolworth's this X-mas. M.A.S.H ended roughly 25 years ago and Elvis is dead. I think.