The Perfect Sunday

You might remember back when I was posing on my Mama's site it posted an entry from my journal of what me and Carty did when her and my dad were out of town. It's been a while so I decided I would do it again. If you remember a couple weeks ago on my football bets of the week I had four wins and only one loss. This gave me quite a bit of extra cash to throw around. So I decided I would up grade my condo for the rest of the football season. I went out and got an HD flat screen, TIVO, signed up with Direct TV to get the NFL package and got the place hooked up with wireless Internet. You know, the works. So this Sunday was the weekend to break it all in. I was giddy all last week. Me and Carty had two of our good friends from the neighborhood over to enjoy the games, Chico and Simba. I kept a detailed log of how our football fabulous day went.

7:01am......Sleeping above my Mama's head. Barley awake I look at the clock. Aaahhhh it's past 7am! I jump up, my Mama's sleeping on her back so I bounce from over her head, bounce off her butt, on to my dad's bare chest(there is a reason for all this) dig all my claws into his chest, lunge off the bed and sprint full speed down to the garage. That where the case of Bud Light long necks I bought are. Whoow! There still there. It imperative I get these on ice at least three hours before kickoff.

7:02am.....I'm a 13lb cat trying to get a case of Bud Light from the garage to the kitchen and into an ice chest. It's not going well. I was expecting help from my dad. I heard him scream when I dug my claws into his chest. I know he's awake. I'm making a bunch of racket. What's the deal?

7:21am.....Beer is finally on ice. No help from dad. My whole ruckus I made when I woke up got Mama up though. She's making breakfast.

7:53am.....Mama made breakfast burritos with New Mexico green chile. A taste of home. You've never had a breakfast burrito till you've had a NM green chile breakfast burrito. I had mine with a cup of coffee and caught up on the days news on the Internet

8:42am.....It's litter time. A little math. Green Chile + Coffee=Bowel movements.

8:43am.....My dad walks by our litter. He's taken back by the smell. He says "are you a cat or an elephant"? I chuckle.

9:00am.....No church today. I went last night. Thank God for Saturday evening services. It's God's gift to NFL fans. I think it's prophesied in Ezekiel. Maybe Daniel. It's my second favorite part of the Bible. Second only to Proverbs 27, verses 15 and 16. "A quarrelsome wife is like a constant dripping on a rainy day; restraining her is like restraining the wind or grasping oil with the hand." That's hilarious! I can't believe that's in the Bible. Don't tell me God doesn't have a sense or humor.

9:45am.....Chico and Simba make it. We start go get settled in to my condo. Thank God neither one of them brought any wives or girlfriends. Nothing ruins a guy day more than a wet blanket wife or girlfriend. You have to watch your language. Eliminate %85 of potential jokes and sarcastic comments. You have to explain stupid things like, why to the refs throw the little yellow thingies. It's the cardinal rule of Mandom. You don't bring your girl to football day. It just screws everything up. Only 15 minuets to kickoff for the morning games!!!

10:00am.....This is the best part. The anticiaption before all the fun happens. We're all settled in to our ass groves. Twist open the 1st beer. Which is ice cold. Just how I like it. HD TV. Eight football games at the click of a remote. My laptop with wireless Internet to track our Fantasy Football teams. I try to appreciate moments like this. Life just doesn't get any better. If had $10,000,0000 in the bank, I would be doing the exact same thing I am right now. It's rare you can say that. And the room doesn't even smell like farts yet.

10:43am.....We're flipping around to all the different games. I'm gracious host so we alternate the remote in 15min intervals. We all have various bets on the games, which makes things even more interesting. Football is like good apple pie. Betting on football is like good apple pie with a big scoop of ice cream.

11:37am.....We're all officially buzzed.

12:01pm.....We see the start of what seems like the 100th political ad. We never see a complete ad because we just change the channel to a different game. But all four of us agree that for Obama to have any shot at winning the election he needs to get rid of Biden and get the mom from "Jon and Kate plus Eight" to be his running mate and give himself a nickname that's at lease, if not more ridiculous than the "Original Maverick". We have a hard time coming up with good ones. Simba says "Sweet Barack-O". I said "Smooth B-Obama". Carty says it should be "El Gallo Negro". Which translates to "The Black Rooster" in Spanish. He says it will appeal to the Hispanic voters. Whatever.

12:30pm......Carty calls Flaco to bet the afternoon games. Flaco also runs a bookmaking operation. We ask Carty why he bets through Flaco and doesn't just go to a casino here in town? Carty says it's funner if it's illegal. I warn him to not even dare invite Flaco over.

12:32pm......My previously useless dad felt bad about this morning and brings us Chinese takeout for lunch.

12:35pm......Carty figures out a way to wedge his head under the handle of the Chinese takeout box so it just hangs in front of him like a feed bag. He says "look, no paws".

1:03pm.......Carty is still eating. I'm searching the Internet for the record amount of chow mein consumed by a 15lb cat. He has to be closing in on the record.

1:10pm.......Carty gets his head stuck inside the take out box. He starts to panic. He's rolling around on the ground trying to get his head unlodged from between the box and handle. He starts yelling "help guys, I can't breathe"! We laugh hysterically as we help him get unlodged.

1:11pm.......Carty's head is covered in chow mien juice. I spend the next 5 min. licking it off him. The things we do for family.

1:20pm.......Carty lost his ass on the morning games. He says he loaded up on Miami getting 7 points against Arizona to make it all up. We all laugh at him.

1:21pm.......Miami is losing 14-0. We laugh again.

1:41pm.......Chico's cell phone rings. He looks at the face without answering. It his wife. His reaction is this. Yelling at the face of his cell phone "Son of a, one day! Just one day a week! That's all I ask! Just one day without dealing with your crap"! He flips the phone open then says "hey babe, what's up". The rest of us laugh. Clearly his wife has not read Proverbs 27, 15-16.

2:00pm.......We're officially hammered.

2:01pm.......Miami is losing 21-0. Carty throws a bottle cap across the room. The rest of us laugh.

2:22pm.......The room officially smells like farts.

3:01pm.......The Bronco vs. Chargers games is about as good as football gets. Revelry is in full force.

3:51pm.......Miami loses 31-3. We all laugh.

3:57pm.......The Bronco's game is an absolute cliffhanger. Carty has to pee really bad but does not want to miss what happens. He standing up doing a little dance to keep from peeing. He begs us to just pause it because it's on Tivo. The rest of us agree. No way we are pausing it. To much fun watching the game and him prancing around.

4:15pm........We agree that we all need naps before that late game at 5pm.

4:55pm........We wake up and crack out the beer. And call in pizza delivery. Which was me yelling out of my condo. "Mama, make us some pizza! And bring it to us".

6:10pm........The late game is a snore. It's the Steelers Vs. Browns. So we know the Steelers are going to win. It just a matter of by how much. On top of that, the game is being played in what is left of Hurricane Ike. So there are 60mph winds. Making scoring next to impossible. We start flipping around to other channels during commercials.

6:51pm.......We're all offically totally shitfaced.

6:53pm.......We all complain about how stupid our names are. Why can't just be named Jim, Tom, James and Tony?

7:01pm.......Carty gets up to go to the litter. The TV is on MTV. Katy Perry on is on the screen singing "I kissed a girl and I liked iiiiit..." As Carty trotts by.

7:10pm.......Carty re-enters the room. Stands in front of the TV and starts doing a litte dance and sings "I just took a dump and I liked iiiiit.....I liked ittttt". We laugh hysterically.

7:32pm........Simba and Carty are passed out.

7:43pm........Chico's wife sends him a text message. He simply gets up and walks to the exit. Holds up a paw to say bye. No words necessary. He going home to try to grasp oil with his hands. Carty, who I thought was passed out lifts his head and moves his arm over his head and motions it toward Chico like craking a bull whip and makes the whip sound. Waahhhker! Then he put is head back down to go to sleep. I laugh.

8:01pm.......What a great day. But I'm hanging on by a thread. I can pass out at any moment