Bono's Olympic Preview

The Olympics start tomorrow. I'm kind of looking forward to them. Ok not really, but they only come along every four years so I guess I'll talk about them. What's odd about the Olympics is that women actually watch them more than men. My Mama remarked to me that she was looking forward to them. Especially the gymnastics and ice skating. I had to break it to her that these are the summer games, which do not include ice skating, which happens in the winter games. That tamed her enthusiasm somewhat. Another thing that is interesting about the Olympics is it's an event that stands for pretty much the complete opposite of what it is intended for. They're supposed to be about fair, friendly competition. Where Nations can set there differences aside and come together for a celebration of sport. However it quickly morphed on to a place where the athletes cheat with performance enhancing drugs at a higher rate than any other realm of sport. And it's a place where political discourse is actually enhanced and magnified. We've seen numerous examples of this. The killing of Jewish athletes in Munich in '72. The US and USSR boycotting each others games in '80 and '84. This year the Olympic torch relay, where the torch is paraded around the world, was tainted by protest due to China's human rights violations. Not to mention they eat cats, dogs, chicken feet. What about those violations? Is there anything those people won't eat? Now they are considering scrapping the relay altogether in future games. The relay is a tradition that was started in the 1936 games by the Nazis, so scrapping it probably not a bad idea. There are two things I really like about the Olympics. The first one is when we beat other nations at sports that they love, but we really don't give a rats ass about. In Europe and Asia, sports like swimming, track and gymnastics are a big deal. Front page of the newspaper kind of stuff. Here nobody pays any attention till the Olympics. Even then, it will be over shadowed by Brett Favre coverage. But yet we win a large number of medals in these events. I find it particularly satisfying because that vast majority of our best athletes play football(a none Olympic sport). So there we are beating all these smelly Euros with our 3rd and 4th stringers. I remember in the last Olympics when the US girls won the gymnastics gold medal, the 15 year old girls from Romania and Russia were crying their eyes out because they had disgraced their entire nation after years of near starvation to maintain weight and torturous training. While none of us here in the States really gave a shit if we won or lost at gymnastics. It was freakin awesome. USA! USA! The 2nd thing that I like is that lives of the athletes are pretty much defined by what takes place at them. They only happen one every four years. So these athletes train all that time for just one chance. I all has to go right or you are eternally remembered as a failure. Every thing has to go right that specific day. You can't be tired, you have pray you don't have a cold, wake up with the shits. There are dozens of ways to lose an event but only one way to win. It has to be perfect. For example Michelle Kwan was one of the best ice skaters ever. The thing she is remembered for is never winning a gold medal in the Olympics. You have to admit it makes watching a 14 year-old having to do a perfect back flip on a 4 inch beam with the weight of her nation on her shoulders incredibly compelling television......To enhance you viewing pleasure I have listed some predations below. This is all based on intense research and film study. It should be all you need to guide you through the games.....

Men's 100 meter dash.....Some black dude from the USA or Jamaica. We'll find out 2 years from now he was on steroids.

Womens 100 meter dash...Some black chick from the USA. We'll find out she was on steroids 2 years from now.

Men's 400 meter....There is actually some white guy from the USA that is the defending gold medalist in this event. No really a white guy won a track and field event. You can look it up. He as to be cheating somehow too.

Men's marathon....A really skinny guy from Kenya

Men's Soccer....A European country where they don't shower very often. You know France, Spain, Italy. The usual suspects.

Woman's Gymnastics....This was a tough one. The US and China have loaded teams. The Russians and Romania are always strong. As mentioned before politics always comes into play in the Olympics. With the Games being a communist country the US is going to getting the shitty end of the stick in events that are judged subjectively like gymnastics. Ultimately I think it will be won by a Russian or Romanian chick that has a name with no vowels and to pronounce it correctly you would have to make a sound similar to the one I make when I hack up a fur ball.

Men's Gymnasitcs......A Chinese guy who's name starts with an X or a South Korean guy with Kim somewhere in his name. And if they didn't have their country's uniforms on you would not be able to tell the difference between them. Yeah, I know that can be percieved as being kind of racist but just watch. If its not true I'll take it back. But I won't have to because you won't be able to tell the difference between them.

Men's basketball....A loaded US team will find a way to lose this. Probably to a bunch of long haired Argentinian guys that look like Antonio Banderas. They should be ashamed.

Baseball.....Cuba. They can do baseball and cigars but not much else. I can't believe Fidel is still alive. I wasn't sure. I had to look it up. How come our nemesis never die? This guy will still be around when Jenna Bush's kid is President. Thank God I won't be around for that.

Boxing.....A bunch of Cuban dudes that would not go down if you beat them in head with 2x4's. I guess you could add boxing to baseball and cigars.