BONO'S NFL PREVIEW....PART 1

It's almost here!! Football!!! See my Mama's blog for my previous thoughts on football(http://jengabaldon.blogspot.com/2008_01_01_archive.html). Somebody remind her that she needs to blog also. It's been a flat month today since she did a new post. Anyway, I figured since I did an Olympic preview, I better do an NFL preview. A sport I actually care about. Not that the Olympics didn't have their moments. My favorite was when the USA won the 4x100 freestyle swimming relay. If your head was buried in the sand an you missed it, some French swimmer Alain Bernard said that the French were going "smash" America in the relay. Ok, first all if you are male and your name is Alain(pronounced Elaine, like from Seinfeld) you are already considered a pussy. Then you start spouting off like that! And you're French! We'll in the last leg the American swimmer Jason Lezak over came what seemed like an insurmountable lead held by our friend Alaine. It was really dramatic. My Mama was out of town so it was just myself, Carty and my Dad watching in our living room that was littered with empty beer cans and Chinese take out boxes. We were all yelling at the TV, cheering for the US. When they ultimately won we started hugging and giving high fives. When they showed Alain on the TV, Carty got up on his hind legs, pointed at the screen and yelled "Get some of that Pierre. Don't forget to wear your beret on your way out you, freakin Frenchy". That was the best moment of the Olympics for me. Possibly the most patriotic moment of my life. After that we spent the next ten minutes making France surrendering jokes. It was great.....Anyway on to my NFL preview. I'll put my predictions on the teams records and some random thoughts on the city/region that each team plays in. Today I'll do the AFC, that stands for American Football Conference. Man, I wish my readers knew more about football so I didn't have to explain this crap.

AFC EAST

New England Patriots(12-4): They won't be a good as last year but they'll still be pretty good. I'm pretty sure Tom Brady is still banging Gisselle Buchen. That has no relevance here, I just wanted to type that......The Patriots play near Boston. Do people in Boston know how ridiculous their accents are? Boston has the highest concentration of quality institutions of higher learning in the world. Yet the majority of their residents sound like complete idiots when they talk.

New York Jets(8-8): They'll suck slightly less now that they picked up Brett Favre.....They actually play in swamp land in New Jersey. Not New York.

Buffalo Bills(6-10): Nobody good wants to play for them. Would you want to work in up state New York in December?.....They play near Niagara Falls. It's much more entertaining to watch water fall than it is to watch this team play.

Miami Dolphins(6-10): They were the worst team in the league last year.....Miami has a bunch of Cubans. Read my Olympic preview for my thoughts on Cubans. That should tell you what I think about the city of Miami.

AFC SOUTH

Jacksonville Jaguars(13-3): They took a step forward last year. They'll take another one this year. They'll be in the Super Bowl.....My auntie Ashley is from Jacksonville. The day before she married my Uncle Kevin in Jacksonville my Dad got completely ripped and puked all over the city. I love that story!

Indianapolis Colts(9-7): They won't be as good as they have been.....Indiana is so boring I can't think of a better way to insult people from there.

Houston Texans(9-7): They'll be a dangerous team again this year. Maybe more if they don't have as many injuries as last year......Houston is in constant battle with San Antonio for the fattest city in America. Carty would fit right in there. I can't have blog with out taking a shot at Carty.

Tennessee Titans(8-8): They have mediocrity down pat.....Tennessee accents are just as bad as Boston accents. But they only have on great institution of higher learning(Vanderbilt) so I'll give them a little bit of a break.

AFC NORTH

Pittsburgh Steelers(12-4): They'll be better this year than last.....Pittsburgh always has a high unemployment rate because they have a bunch of guys sitting around waiting for the steel mill or coal mine that closed 35 years ago to re-open. Your job is in China! It's not going to reopen! There is a Linens and Things where the mill used to be! Take an MS Excel class or something! Get a job! Any job!

Cincinnati Bengals(8-8): They be ok because they have 4 games against the Ravens and Browns.....Jerry Springer used to be the mayor and if you cross the river you are in Kentucky. That should tell you all you need to know about Cincy.

Baltimore Ravens(4-12): 4 wins might be a bit generous for this crappy team.....They city is known for crab cakes. My Mama loves crab cakes. I'm trying to convince my Dad to take my Mama to all crab related cities. Frisco is off the list.

Cleveland Browns(4-12): This is my Dad's team. They some how won 10 games last year but still missed the playoffs. They have a brutally difficult schedule. It will be a miracle if they win 10 games this year......In 1969 the Cuyahoga River that runs through the city started on fire. Yes, the river on fire! That's hilarious. Whenever I'm having a bad day I think about that and chuckle. It makes me fell better.

AFC WEST

San Diego Chargers(10-6): The most talented team in the league will gag in the playoffs again.....San Diego would be a great city if it didn't start on fire every other year. Rivers on fire are funny. Beautiful cities on fire are not.

Denver Broncos(10-6): They have a really easy schedule so their record will be better than they are......The Democratic National convention is in Denver this week. Business must be booming for hookers, escorts and strip clubs.

Oakland Raiders(5-11): They sucked really bad that last couple years. They still suck this year.....They city sits on one of the most naturally beautiful bodies of water in the world. Yet the place is a complete shit hole. How did they pull that off?

Kansas City Chiefs(5-11): This team might not score this year, so the 5 wins might be over optimistic.......I love KC bar-b-cue!!!!

Tune in later for my NFC predictions and Super Bowl pick.