Start Your Engines!!!

It that time of year again! One week a year I become a Redneck Republican Southerner. This is the week. Why this week? NASCAR is town, that's why! If you can't get excited about watching good'ol boys driving in circles, we'll I reckon you need to move to Scandinavia or something. They have all sorts of festivities going on around town. I'll be at the race on Sunday. I'll be in section 103 row 14. Come by and shake my paw. You can't miss me. I'll be the cat sitting next to a 32oz. Budweiser tallboy with a straw in it and yelling at the drivers things like "put him in the wall!!", "you turn left you idiot, left!!", "Tony Stewart, you have bigger tits than my Mama!". I'm going all out on the Redneck thing too. I'll be wearing the snappy jacket above. I didn't think there were quite enough advertisements on the jacket, so being the enterprising feline that I am, I sold my own add space. It's at the tailor now getting decals added for Kitty Kaviar, IHOP, Glen Lerner & Associates, Albertson's Brand Vodka, Family Christian Bookstores, Cosmic Catnip and the Adult Video Superstore. Also when engaging in conversation with fellow honkies I'll openly question Jeff Gordon's sexuality. Conveniently blame the economy on Obama. Call Democrats socialist for the stimulus/bailing out the banks, but NEVER mention that the auto makers that sponsor all the cars we're watching were also bailed out or the fact we're perfectly OK with those bailouts. Best of all I'm thinking about packing heat....I hope to see you there.

I thought I was dreaming.

Unfortunately I was was not. I did see the Jonas Brothers "performing" with Stevie Wonder on the Grammys on Sunday night. I was kind of three quarters asleep while it was on and it really didn't register. Then I saw some news about it today. I can't believe it. The Jonas Brothers? I didn't know they were a real band. I thought they were a fictional band drummed up by the Disney Channel. Like Hannah Montana, who was also singing on the Grammys for some reason. I still think they might be fictional, I can't tell. I don't think they were really playing the guitars they were holding. They were strumming but there there was no corresponding sound coming out of the TV. Poor Stevie. He had know idea of the situation he was put in. I'm sure it was no coincidence they picked the blind guy to perform with these dweebs. The chance of a musical legend the stature of Stevie that has the ability see, performing with these jerk offs is zero. It's a cruel trick played by the Grammy people. They should be ashamed.

Speaking of crappy Disney programming, I just found out that High School Musical is set in a high school in Albuquerque. I went out my way to check out a couple scenes on You Tube. That place isn't anything like an Albuquerque high school. Did they do any research at all? If it's was like an ABQ high school the kids would have names like Yvette, Chuey and Ilene. They would also have kids with white surnames as first names mismatched with Hispanic last names, like Carson Jaramillo, McKenna Sanchez, Jordan Altamirano and Duncan Chavez. The tallest player on the basketball team would be 5'9". The student parking lot would be filled with dropped Honda Preludes and Chevy S-10's, with stereo systems that are worth more than the vehicle it self. The school would also be rife with gang violence and a third of the female students would be pregnant. To make the musical numbers authentic you would have to mix in phrases like "I know hah", "que no" and "a la modies". If you don't know what "a la modies" means, I can't really explain, but you can try this. Every time you want to say "wow!", "oh my god!", "holy shit!" or "that's amazing!", try saying "a la modies!!" then you'll figure you what it means. You'll also get weird looks, but you will figure out what it means.

Finally, with February being Black History Month, you see a bunch of tributes to influential African-Americans. They tend to be the same few people, you know. MLK, Jackie Robinson, George Washington Carver, Rosa Parks, Thurgood Marshall, John Shaft, Samuel L. Jackson. All those people are great but we've all heard about their accomplishments over and over. So in honor of Black History Month I'm going to do something a little different. I'm going a list some not so obvious and overplayed things that I'm thankful for, that have been introduced to our world by African-Americans.

-the slam dunk

-cone bread(That's spelled right. White people make corn bread which is similar but not quite the same. Black people make cone bread. Cone bread is better)

-the word "beeeaaaach"

-mixing fried chicken and waffles

-the endzone celebration after touchdowns

-the need for 15 yard penalties for excessive endzone celebrations

-malt liquor

-for inventing the ability to use the word "motherf***er" as a noun, pronoun, superlative and punctuation. You can use it as an entire sentence really.

-creating the comedy that is white people trying to be cool by using black slang words and phrases that are either at least two years out of date or were never really used by the black community at all. Examples.."po-dunk-a-dunk","that's tight","you go girl","gettin jiggy wit it","what up dog" and "da bomb".

-for letting white people keep winning at winter sports. You can include other pussy white boy sports like skateboarding in here too.

-for loving hefty white girls that would otherwise be discarded.

-keeping Cadillac in business(at least for the time being)

-keeping Tommy Hilfiger in business.

-keeping whatever companies make car rims in business.

I'm sure I'm missing a few....Sorry black people you don't get credit for low riders, you stole those from Mexicans.

Happy Super Bowl!!

It Super Bowl Sunday! The most American Day of the year. A celebration of commercialism, drinking and eating in excess and the most American sport out there. Football!! Sure other Holiday's have these elements, but the cool part about the Super Bowl is that you get to spend it with people you like. Unlike Thanksgiving or Christmas where you are forced to listen to your drunk uncle, A-hole cousin etc. For me it's a bitter sweet day. It signifies the last day of football till Labor Day. Incredibly sad. Also, you all know I was pulling for Obama in the election. But I do disagree with him closing Guantanamo Bay. I think it should be kept open to detain people that don't watch the Super Bowl. I have utter contempt for those that do not at least go through the ritual of at least watching the commercials. I can think of few acts that are more un-American and treasonous than not at least attending a party. Anybody that goes out of there way to not watch it is threat to National security. They need to be locked up.......Super Bowl prediction....Steelers 27 Cardinals 13.