BONO'S BEST OF VEGAS '09

I'm back with Bono's 4th Annual Best of Vegas Awards. Like the State Fair it gets bigger and better every year. Despite the sad state of our economy I've increased my categories from 37,148 to 40,189. I posted a small sampling below. If you want the whole list it's on sale at Amazon.com or you can download a audio version to your IPOD or MP3 player. It's narrated by Fran Drescher, Gilbert Godfried, Roseanne and the guy from the OxyClean commercials.

BEST PLACE TO STOP TRYING TO REVITALIZE:PLANET HOLLYWOOD CASINO....The place went bankrupt when it was the original Aladden. Then they tore it down built a new Aladden that went Bankrupt. Naturally the people that took it over partnered with Plant Hollywood. A restaurant chain that has filed bankruptcy(twice!)that sells mediocre burgers and charges $12 for it because you can eat it while looking at prop from Rocky V. This beats out Downtown, because I think my advice was taken from last year's list and nobody is trying to revitalize it anymore.

BEST BLOG THAT HAS NOT BEEN UPDATED IN SIX MONTHS:ART JEWELS AND TREASURES BY JEN....Really Mama! Six months? Put something on there, anything!

BEST LOCAL ARTIST:CINDY DEAN.....A repeat winner. I was lucky enough to hang in her entourage this year. It was quite the experience. Crazy really.

NEW CATEGORY! BEST LOCAL ARTIST THAT HAS A BOYFRIEND THAT SOUNDS EXACTLY LIKE RAY ROMANO:CINDY DEAN......He's from Brooklyn, the Bronx or something. I get my accents and NYC boroughs mixed up all the time.

BEST LOCAL ARTIST THAT MADE A LITTLE BIT MORE ART THAN LAST YEAR:JENNIFER GABALDON....Somebody paid money for my Mama's jewelery this past year. She did two craft shows. A %200 increase over 2007.

BEST PLACE TO LAUNDER MONEY:THE CANNERY CASINO.....I can't explain how I know this. You're just going to have to trust me.

BEST PLACE FOR IMMIGRATION TO RAID:CIRCUS CIRCUS.....Have you been to that place? My goodness. I haven't seen that many Mexican's in one place since my last trip to K-Mart. The guy that runs the Indoor Swap Meet here in town thinks there are to many Mexicans there.

BEST PLACE TO OPEN UP AN HORCHATA STAND:THE CIRCUS CIRCUS.....See category above. The place is loaded with Mexican's an not a single Horchata stand in sight. I didn't see anybody selling Churro's either. I was going to keep this under my hat and do it my self. I had financing in place with Washington Mutual, IndyMac and Wachovia. I was taking my time to decide who was offering the best loan terms. During that time WaMu and Indymac went tits up. Wachovia was bought out by Wells Fargo who put a swift end to Wachovia's stated income business loans to domesticated animals program. Another dream crushed.

BEST PLACE TO WITNESS SPOUSAL ABUSE:NASCAR SPRINT CUP RACE @ LV MOTOR SPEEDWAY....I went this past year. After the race in the parking lot, some redneck threatened to murder his wife and had to be held back by his friend when a reared back to take a swing at her. Hard to believe something like this happening at and event that has cases of beer in 12ft stacks every 90ft throughout the concourse of the racetrack. The NASCAR folk are really proud of how they say a prayer before each race though. Jesus must be really proud. The Adventure Dome at Circus Circus came in second.

BEST PLACE TO SEE A FAKE GUN FIGHT:BONNIE SPRINGS......It's a very little Cowboy/Western theme park in Red Rock Canyon just outside of town. When you first walk in a group a struggling actors pretend to have a gunfight. You really need to see it. It's unintentionally really funny.

BEST PLACE TO SEE A REAL GUN FIGHT:THE CORNER OF MLK AND VEGAS DRIVE......I'm relying on other sources on this one. I've never dared to hang around to actually see one. I doubt these ones are as funny as the ones at Bonnie Springs.

BEST PLACE TO CONTRACT HEPATITIS:THE ENDOSCOPY CENTER OF SOUTHERN NEVADA. 40,000 people were put at risk by this place re-using syringes. This just put them ahead of eating a hair from a short order cook at Macayo's(any of them) or getting a lap dance at Foxy Girls on Industrial.

BEST OFF THE STRIP PUBLIC RESTROOM:FLETCHER JONES MERCEDES. It's amazing. The place is darn near gold plated.

BEST PLACE GET FREE STARBUCKS COFFEE:FLETCHER JONES MERCEDES. Repeat winner from last year. It's actually one of the few places you can get Starbucks period.

BEST PLACE TO GET A FREE COPY OF THE USA TODAY:FLETCHER JONES MERCEDES. I often go there get a cup of coffee, a USA Today and go pinch one off in the gold plated restroom. A trifecta of sorts. If you try this yourself, they have a have some lady at a check point at the front gate to ask what you are doing there when you pull in. Just drive right by her. She's to lazy to track you down if you just blow right by.

BEST PLACE TO SEE MY MAMA RIP SOMEBODY A NEW ASSHOLE:FLETCHER JONES MERCEDES. She's there once a week complaining about something. How do you think I know all this crap?

BEST PLACE TO LICK YOUR SELF:BETWEEN YOUR LEGS. Undefeated and still champion. It's never lost in this category.

BEST PLACE TO EAT A HIDEOUSLY OVERPRICED MEAL:JOEL RUBICON AT THE MGM GRAND. It'll cost you around a grand if you order wine with your meal to eat at this joint. I'm sorry nothing is that good. You can get a high end hooker, err I mean escort for cheaper than you can eat at this place. Not that I would know. That's just what people tell me.

BEST PLACE TO GET WOOD:LOWE'S. 2nd place-Cheetah's

BEST PLACE FOR A CAT TO AVOID:CHINATOWN. The Chinese will eat any thing. I tell my cat friends to stay away from there or you'll find yourself hanging in a store front window before you know it. I went down there and ate dim sum with my Mama once. My Chinese is a little choppy but I'm pretty sure the people at the other tables were asking their waitress if I could be prepared medium rare.

BEST BLOG WITH RACIST OVERTONES:BONO'S BLOG. I just beat out Sean Hannity's and Bill O'Reilly's Blogs

That's it for now. Let me know if you want to know any categories not listed here....Bon.