Bono blogs from Heaven

Bono Gabaldon, January 26th 2002 - July 25th 2010

Yup. I'm blogging from heaven! If you could buy a cat blogging period, I guess a cat blogging from heaven is not much of a streach. Not really sure what I died of. I always thought it would be cirrhosis of the liver. But that's not important now. I took me some negotiating to get permission to do this. I'm under strict guidelines. For instance I can't disclose the answers to the questions that you Earthlings have been searching for years. I know the answers now. Like who killed JFK? What happened to Amilia Earhart? Is there life anywhere other than earth? Scarlet Johanssen, real or fake? Who put the bop in the bopshabopshabop? How come American drug dealers and addicts can figure out the metric system but the rest of us can't? I also finally found out where I lost my wallet in 2005. That night was crazier than I thought. Anyway. I can give a few details. After I was put down, I followed the light to the "Pearly Gates". By the way "the light" is not quite a bright as everybody seems to think. The gates were beautiful though. I'm told they were recently redesigned to a member of Martha Stewart's staff that had passed away. If you think dying is getting you away from Martha Stewart think again. That lady made more money in jail that %99 of you will earn in a life time. In front of the gate St. Peter is behind a counter in front of a computer terminal. There is a wall behind him that has bounced tithe checks tacked on it. I trot up to the counter and we have this conversation.

St. Peter: Bono, Hey hows it going?
Me: Aside from just dying I guess I'm ok.
St. Peter. Good. Now lets see if you get in.
Me: I might not be in?!
St. Peter: No, you might not be in. I have to run you thru the computer to see if you made it.(He starts typing my name in. I wait nervously. He hits enter and a pop up appears in the middle of the screen that says the system is searching. 30 seconds pass and still nothing. St. Peter look over and says...)

St. Peter: Sorry, this thing has been taking a while since we switched to Windows Vista. We had MAC's for a while but we switched back to Microsoft. After the economy crashed God had more money than Bill Gates again, so he was cool switching back...Ohh there we go. Whoow! You just barely made it. Oh, I see you are quite the gambler.

Me: How do you know that by looking at the computer.

St. Peter: It has a list of all of your prayers. Most of them involve the results of field goals, free throws and photo finishes. Here, let me open the gate for you. When you get in make a right and you'll see a sportsbar. Jesus will be there waiting for you.

I don't wait for the gate to open I skip thru in between the bars. Head to the sportsbar. Jesus is there waiting for me. As soon as I sit down, two plates of chicken tacos and two ice cold beers appear. I ask how did you know that's what I wanted. He give me a funny look and says "I'm Jesus". Then I was like "Oh yeah!". Anyway he told me how everything works up here. You know the whole no sorrow, no pain bit which sounds great to me. After lunch with Jesus, I meet up with loved ones up here. I had a nap with my biological mom. Talked to a couple brothers from my litter(I only had brothers). I told them all my Carty stories and we had a big laugh. I met up with my Grandpa, uncle Chesse and Cousin Ivan. Also, had some laughs there. Mama, Grandpa is as crazy up here as he was down there! Anyway to rap things up. I know some of you will miss me. Especially my Mama. I can't say I'll miss you. We don't do that type of thing up here. I know we'll be together in due time. Thanks to everyone that read my blog at some point. I hope you got a chuckle. I'm going to do more fun things now....see ya later....Bono.


Note from author(Bono's Dad):

This blog was written primarily to make my wife laugh. Most of the opinions and thoughts on this blog are mine. However Bono was much of the inspiration behind it. He was my muse I guess. Of course he had no interest in beer, football, politics etc. But much of his personality was part of this. He did enjoy anything with tuna, fighting with his brother, keeping his paws impeccably white, watching the sunrise and most of all spending time next to his Mom. He had been sick off and on for most of this year. But in early May to mid-July he was %100 healthy till his final illness. After a week in the hospital we were able to bring him home. His final two days were spent with his family at his side in his room. He got to watch his final two sunrises being petted by his Mom. He would have done the same for her if the roles were reversed. As he always had a keen sense of when she was sick or depressed. In those times he would never leave her side. Bono was and is very special to us. He will be missed dearly and never be forgotten.

Bono is very sick in the hospital. Please pray for him.

Where the hell is my healthcare?

I've been laid up with a case of pancreatitis lately. If you don't know what that is it's the inflammation of your pancreas. It's the organ that releases enzymes to digest food. When it's inflamed it releases and excessive amount of the enzyme and your body tries to digest it self. It's not quite as fun as it sounds. I was out of it for a couple days. Had a couple very costly trips to the vet. I have health insurance. Yes, I'm a cat with health insurance. If you are one of those people that complain that I'm a cat with health insurance but we have kids starving in Africa with no health care etc. I'm not apologizing for it. That's your problem. Well the insurance does not cover everything. And the problem with this pancreatits issue is that it can be chronic. I might have to deal with this for the rest of my life. Which brings me to the health care issue. Clearly things haven't really been stimulated by our stimulus "plan". You didn't think I would stop complaining because the guy I wanted to win won did you? I feel obligated to complain more now when things don't go the way I think they should. Anyway, we dropped about $3 Trillion on the stimulus. I thought we should have just jacked it up to $10 Trill or so. What the hell, $21 Trillion deficit or $28 Trillion deficit, will we be any less screwed at 21 rather than 28? I say we take the extra $7 trill from the proposed Bono's super stimulus and spend it to get everybody health care. Domestic animals included. I'm not sure why people get so offended by this. Do they really like having a huge premium ripped from their paycheck and handed over their shitty HMO? They feel bad for insurance companies? They like not having coverage when they are laid off? I don't get it. If you are against this, you will like it more once faced with the threat of chronic illness. Trust me. I decided to take action on this issue. I thought I would look into contacting my Government representatives office's. I considered calling Harry Reid's office, but clearly that dip shit can't get anything done. I looked into my who Congressional Representative is. I quickly forgot who it was after the last election. Carty always remembers shit like this. So we had this conversation. Me: Carty, who represents our district in Congress. Carty: Dina Titus. Me:"Son of a Bitch"!!! Yes, the lady that I though was mentally disabled when I watched her campaign commercials was my second option. I already had pancreatitis. The last thing I needed was a case of Dina Panreatitus. Thank you. I'll be here all week.



Do these goobers instill confidence in you? Me neither.


Now I was down to our other Senator, John Ensign. I don't really care that he was banging one of his campaign workers. I'm more offended that he was part of the Republican regime that presided over this whole economic mess in the first place. Asking for his help or any other Republican that was around during the Bush years, is like asking a fat person for dietary advice. What they say might actually be correct, they just have no credibility. So in short it seems I'm screwed.....On a happier note, Super Bowl Sunday is almost here! Since I haven't been feeling well I haven't had a drink in over three weeks. This is the longest stretch with out drink since I was in my 20's when my ex suggested that I lay off the sauce. I got rid of her shortly after I realized she was trying to change me. Note to woman. Human men and cat men are very similar in this sense. We are both willing to change, but you have to make us think it was our own idea. Much easier said then done. Anyway, I'm feeling better now and if I continue to do so is might knock a few down for the game.....Super Bowl predictions: The Colts will beat the Saints 31-20 and at least one member of The Who will break a hip during the halftime performance. This is not an exaggeration. If the members of The Who were American they would qualify for Medicare. Memo to the NFL. If the halftime act is too old if they have members that can die of natural causes and nobody would be surprised.....I'd like to do a shout out to my Auntie Shiloh. We both had birthday's since my last post. We are both older than we care to admit. We both didn't get anything particularly good for our birthday and still have not gotten anything from my Mama.

Are you ready to get your ass sniffed?

Next time you fly I think it might happen. Now that terrorists are hiding bombs in their undies I think it a strong possibility. Apparently whatever technology they are using now doesn't detect crotch bombs or ass bombs. I think you are going to crotch/ass/bomb sniffing dogs in the security lines at the airport. Can anybody think of any other quick alternatives to keep this from happening again? No, hiring competent screeners at the airport is not an option. Only realistic ideas please. Cindy Dean did some work for her sister/brother-laws security dog biz in
Constantinople. If I had a business like that I would be training them for this job right away. If I didn't think the world was going to end in 2011 I would probably invest myself. It can't be easy to train the dogs though. In fact It could by quite a nasty task to train them. Dogs seem to be easily trained to sniff out explosives. But now dogs need to be trained to sniff out explosive mixed with Arab balls sweat. Yuck! How do you replicate a smell like that? Not that I would know what it smells like. But you don't have to stretch your imagination to know it can't be good.....On a couple occasions I've thrown out ideas on how to catch terrorists. I have another one. Why can't we have a separate line for Islamist at the airport. Then they can be inspected more thoroughly. Hold on, yes I know it violates Civil rights, the Constitution, blah, blah, blah. This type of thing is not without presidence(see Japanese internment circa 1942). But I have a catch. Let's be real, these people have been screwing up air travel even well before 9/11. What if the government offered an incentives to Islamist to play along. How about a $10k tax credit? You get to May 15th to pay your taxes. Rather than 72 virgins if you die as a martyr, you get 73 Thai hookers now!! Corporations could jump in. All Islamist get %10 of Starbucks. A free air filter with every other oil change at Jiffy Lube. The possibilities are endless. We can even extend it to other ethnicities. Black people could agree to be escorted around retail outlets to prevent shoplifting. White corporate CEOs will agree to stop ruining the Country. Me being 1/2 Mexican and my Dad being full Mexican we discussed the following situation. What if all Mexicans were forced to learn English and always have their proof of citizenship pinned to their shirt like kindergartners homework so everybody will know if we are legal or not? We both agreed we would do it for a $5k tax credit, %15 off at El Pollo Loco, cuts in the line at the DMV and we get to use the Islamist line at the airport(We both would trade the more extensive search for the shorter line). Sure if this happened there would be no one left to pick our fruits and vegetables, build shit, clean our hotel rooms, leaf blow, shop a Big Lots etc. But damn it we won't have to deal with that annoying press 1 for English, press 2 for espanol question! And their might not be anybody left to take my discounted order at El Pollo Loco, but I think the economy is bad enough now that even white people will take those jobs, so I'm not to worried about that....On a more serious note I'm frustrated that we are still debating how to stop terrorist. Terrorism is simply a tactic being used in a greater struggle. Since 9/11 nothing has been done to address the greater struggle. In fact we have gone backward. I've mentioned in previous blogs that the biggest reason radical Islamist want to kill us is because they see us as Christians/Jews all up in their Islam business. We have military bases on Arab soil, we pretty much occupy two Countries, blindly back Isreal. As long as these things are going on we are going on we are going to be dealing with terrorism. Obviously, they don't have the numbers or resources to fight our military in a conventional war, so they are going to use terrorism. Killing their leadership does not help. It just buys us time while they regroup. I've lost count on how many #2/#3 Al-Quida guys we've killed. The idea for them is to create overreaction. And so far it is working well for them. We are spending billions if not trillions in Iraq. Despite Obama's campaign promises we can't leave. It would be a train wreck. We've opened prisons where we hold prisoners without trial, undermining our moral authority(why can't they just be prosecuted in put in our regular Federal prisons?) and own Constitution. I've heard one person, Republican Ron Paul even bring up the idea of simply extricating ourselves from the whole region. That's not to say that the reasons we are there(Isreal/Oil) are not worth fighting/risking our livelihood for. You might think they are. But can we at least have the debate? Finally, I think the Government is pretty limited in it's ability to prevent terrorism. How much can the government do to keep a group of Islamic terrorist to go an a shooting spree in a crowded shopping mall? It seems we've been pretty lucky that they seem fixated in bombing planes for some reason. With that said this latest attempt is quite worrisome. This dude that tried this pretty much had "Terrorist" stamped on his forehead. I think we are all hypocritical to some extent. But I try to be as consistent with my arguments as possible. If you have read my blog before I've been pretty tough to George Bush. But I've never really blamed him for 9/11. But I've always been annoyed by Republicans that twist them self in to a pretzel to blame it on Bill Clinton. I've always countered with the argument, that if the Republicans were so enlightened on the issue and they had nine months to prevent it, why did it happen? I would make the same argument in this case. Everyone from the TSA inspector up needs to take heat for this. I don't know whatever security hole that allowed this to happened existed when Bush was in place, but if it was it should have been fixed by now.

Where do I start.

It been a while since I blogged. Quite a bit has happened since then. I have lots of ground to cover. I'm not really sure how to make it flow correctly so basically I'm going to just throw a bunch of crap out there...We had Thanksgiving. It was at my condo this year. Us cats are not good enough for humans to have around for Thanksgiving, so the neighborhood cats just have our own. It's become a tradition of ours. We just get together eat turkey, drink wine and watch football like everybody else. When you mix cats with wine and turkey we should really call it Napapaloza or something. Anyway, for the 6th year in a row, when carving the turkey Carty made an inappropriate dark meat joke. For the 2nd year in a row it involved the Kardashian sisters. When everybody called him out on it he swore it was the first time he used the Kardashian sisters and last year was Eva Longoria. The consensus was that he used the Kardashian sisters for the 2nd year in a row. Before we ate we said a prayer which is fine. But every year one of the women wants to go around and have everybody say what they are thankful for. When this is brought up all the guys all sigh a little bit which because none of us know what to say. Most of use just copy what one of the other guys say. Plus, they always mute the football game during this and delays eating by ten minutes...My buddy Chico was there. You might remember him from my Cinco de Mayo blog. He is Mexican so naturally him and his wife have had 4 litters if kids. I don't even think he is sure how many kids he has. Most of his latest litter was bumping around my place, heightening my disdain for children. I bring this up because Chico and his wife Lupe were a little down this year, because their son Paco(He is in the Air Force. Pictured in uniform) just shipped out for another tour in Afghanistan. What can a cat possibly do in the military you ask? He keeps birds off the end of runways. If you think that is un-important, ask those people on that US Air flight that "landed" in the Hudson river last year. He also keeps vermin away from the mess hall and helps out maintaining the computer networks when he has time. Plus, if a lizard can sell auto insurance a cat can sure as hell serve in the military.

A while after dinner Carty and some friends went out on the patio to smoke cigars. If there has been a bigger douche bag activity invented in the last 15 years I don't know what it is. They all light up and start talking about the quality and taste of various cigars. I've smoked around a dozen cigars (I'll try anything 12 times} and they all tasted like I was making out with an ashtray. Why anybody would pay more for one cigar over another is beyond me. They were talking about how Arturo Fuente cigars have an "oakey" flavor to it. Now Carty has eaten just about everything possible, so I can see how he would know what an oak tree taste like. But everybody else? What does Mahogony taste like? Is there a particle board flavored cigar? I would lump wine connoisseurs in this also. I mean, I love wine and all. But they all pretty much taste the same. A $300 Cabernet from some specialty store does taste better than the $3 bottle from Walgreens. But not 300 times better. I think wines should be rated on how horny they make your wife/girlfriend. It would be much more helpful then telling be it has hints of raspberry with with a plum finish, I can tell you that much.

Can we stop treating Tiger Woods like the worst person in the world? So he banged some floozies. Big deal. His soon to be 1/2 a billionaires ex-wife will get over it! Trust me. Unless you are a billionaire that turns down every women that throws them self at you, I think you should spare the judgment.

My Mama's business, ArtJewelsandTreasuresByJen is officially no more. They closed their doors a couple weeks ago. It turns out Carty was the soul of the business and when he stepped down the company was rudderless.

I had to go the vet about a week and a half ago. I made some funny meows when I was taking a whiz. Hey, I'm getting old. When you get into your fifties you are going to make some funny sounds when you are taking a piss too. I told her it was nothing to worry about. But she insisted that I go. When I got there, everybody time a one of the staff members would see me they would ask me where Carty is and if he is OK. None of them asked how I was doing? Or why I was even there? The didn't find anything. The did somehow decide that I have some anger issues. Not sure how they came to that conclusion. They wanted to put me on some medication. I was like hell no! I don't have any f****N anger issues!! After some debate I agreed to a couple counseling sessions with a therapist. Rather then meds. I don't think I need the help but I've always had a hypothesis that therapist are full of shit and I just want to test out my theory. I had my first appointment this week. So far my theory is holding true.

I'm getting fired up for Christmas. But a couple things are pissing me off. If you are one of those people that gets really upset because a business/school or some other entity has a sign that says Happy Holidays not Merry Christmas or vice versa you really need to direct you anger at something more constructive. At least that is what my therapist says. I think they need to be kicked in the balls personally. If you are one of the ones that gets pissed off that a sign says Happy Holidays rather then Merry Christmas, please realize everybody does not think exactly like you. And most of all non-Christians buy gifts to(If you read the history of Christmas, it has been a more secular holiday than most Christian would care to admit). So naturally stores in areas where there is a significant non-Christian population they don't want their customers to feel uncomfortable. On the other hand, if you are Jewish, Arab, Atheist, whatever and you get pissed because your company calls it's party a Christmas party rather than a holiday party. Realize, you are out numbered!! Deal with it!

Finally, I was listening to the lyrics of "Rudolph the Rednose Raindeer" and I realized why have the other raindeer gotten a free pass through all these years. They openly discriminated against Rudolph just because he had a very shiny nose? What a bunch of assholes! They would verbally abuse him and bar him from playing reindeer games because he nose was bright red? I sounds to me that Donner, Blitzen and company were a bunch of superficial pricks. They didn't accept him till he bailed them out. Then they "loved" him. Where was Santa through all this? He had to know this was going on. He just allowed the other raindeer treat Rudolph like shit? Rudolph could have easily sued for workplace discrimination. I give a ton of credit to Rudolph. Would you have blamed the guy if he just told Santa and the other reindeer to just piss off on that foggy Christmas Eve? I think we all owe a large debt to Rudolph saving Christmas that year and handling this blatant injustice with such dignity.

Bono predicts the world will end in 2011

It seems everybody is predicting the world is going to end in 2012 these days. Dead Mayans, Nostradamus, religious nuts, Hollywood movie producers etc. It's the new Y2K. At least from what I read. I wasn't alive in 1999-2000. I always found it ironic that most of the people that were making predictions about the world ending in 2000 were non-Christian. They saw a special relevance in that the earth rotated around the sun 2000 times since the approximate birth of someone that they believe lied about being the son of God or never existed at all? Anyway, when people start making predictions about things I just can't help my self, I have to chime in also. It can be football, horses, weather, just about anything. When people start predicting things, I have to make a bet also. By definition this isn't a bet I can really cash in on. But if I'm alive when it happens atlest I can have the tiny bit of satisfaction of being right as I die. I watch quite a bit of the History Channel. The should change the name of it to the End of Life on Earth Channel. They talk about it constantly. They have an endless loop of people predicting all sorts of catastrophes. Earthqukes, wars, famine, disease, things crashing into earth etc. Wow, they are really going out on the limb there. These things have been happening since the beginning of time!! I watched a special on the 1906 San Francisco earthquake. They had some scientist boldly stating that there is going to be another big earthquake in San Francisco someday. Thank you, Professor Obvious. What's your next prediction? the Cleveland Browns are going to suck again next year? This is one the biggest issues I have with the doom predictors. They never really give any specific information. And when they do give detail, it's always veiled in symbolism and kookie language that can be interpreted in many different ways. For instance, most of the the 2012 predictions are based on the calender of the ancient Mayans ending. But that's all it does is end. It doesn't really make any prediction about humanity ending. Maybe all it means is that some Mayan dude got tired of chiseling shit into a rock? The guy who made the so called prediction could have been the Miss Cleo of the Mayan world. We sure our giving them quite a bit of credibility for people without much of a track record of making predictions. Also, if they saw into the future why didn't they predict their own demise just a relatively short time later? Why do we give ancient cultures so much credit? You know they used to sacrifice their own children to try to make it rain so crops would grow right? So they built some freaking pyramids big whoop! They couldn't figure out indoor plumbing but they could see into the future?.....Then we have Nostradamus. All of his predictions seem to be verified posthumously. Some big event happens and people go back and read one of his quatrains with is usually a bunch of astrological gibberish, then say "Oh, here's where he predicted that". What also bothers me about Nostradamus is that he spent all his time predicting big historical events that happened years after his death. As a guy I don't buy this. If a guy had the ability to predict the future now, he would use it to predict the Super Bowl, stock market, which chick at the Club would be willing to bang him that night. He sure as hell wouldn't be predicting events that will happen hundreds of years after his own death. What's the point? I have a hard time believing guys from the 1500's were not just as greedy and horny as they are now... Most of the major religions all predict the end of humanity also. Most seem to take a similar position as Bible and say the it will happen "soon" and for some reason there are a bunch of trumpets, bowls and scrolls involved. Then we have good ole' Hollywood which has been capitalizing of this shit for years. Watching football and baseball I've been seen a bunch of commercials for the new "2012" movie. They show the world being turned up side down while John Cusak is trying to get the airport to escape. I have a hunch John Cusak somehow escapes the demise of life on earth. Of course millions will pay to go watch it. What a better way to cheer yourself up during a time of economic strife, war and flu epidemics then to go watch a movie about the end of world. Sounds like a great way to escape from the stress of life....With that said why do I predict 2011? I don't know. Seems as logical as any other time. It seems like a bolder prediction to call it sooner rather than later. I also put my money where my mouth is. I cashed out my 401k and other investments and I'm spending like crazy. I might not have enough to get me through 2010 much less 2011, so if we are still around in 2012, I have another prediction. I'll be hitting you up for a loan.

I'm back again.

I figured I did about 4 months worth of blogs in August based on my usual pace so I thought I would take some time off. Plus it's football season again. So my time has been occupied with that. Also, my Mama's computer had a virus. I don't what sites she's been looking at. Her and my Dad argued which one of them actually contracted the virus. I'm sure Tommy Lee and Pam Anderson had a similar argument at some point. It was a awkward situation for all. So she has been hogging my computer. She has a Facebook account now, so she thinks she's sooooo cool. Check it out if you already haven't done so. She should be announcing her latest hair brain scheme on there anytime now. She is going to be flipping dollhouses. Yes, she is planning, and I emphasize planning to fix up dilapidated dollhouses and sell them for a profit. I can't believe I'm saying this, but after all her other crazy ideas over the years this one kind of makes sense. Of course she conned my Dad in to financing it. Carty, is coming partially out of retirement to be a consultant. He was adamant that he was not going to take an official title with the new investment group. But like all consultants his qualifications are murky at best, he is charging huge fees and is not willing to have a shred of accountability for the results of whatever his suggestions might bring about the company. Pretty sweet gig. Anyway, she bought three houses this weekend. Predictability, the houses have not had a shred of work done on them and sit unattended as I type this, while my Mama watches "Under the Tuscan Sun" for the 15th time on cable; commercials and all despite having the DVD sitting right above the TV she is watching. It's going well so far.