BONO'S BLOG

Bono blogs from Heaven

2010-07-25T09:22:00.000-07:00

Bono Gabaldon, January 26th 2002 - July 25th 2010

Yup. I'm blogging from heaven! If you could buy a cat blogging period, I guess a cat blogging from heaven is not much of a streach. Not really sure what I died of. I always thought it would be cirrhosis of the liver. But that's not important now. I took me some negotiating to get permission to do this. I'm under strict guidelines. For instance I can't disclose the answers to the questions that you Earthlings have been searching for years. I know the answers now. Like who killed JFK? What happened to Amilia Earhart? Is there life anywhere other than earth? Scarlet Johanssen, real or fake? Who put the bop in the bopshabopshabop? How come American drug dealers and addicts can figure out the metric system but the rest of us can't? I also finally found out where I lost my wallet in 2005. That night was crazier than I thought. Anyway. I can give a few details. After I was put down, I followed the light to the "Pearly Gates". By the way "the light" is not quite a bright as everybody seems to think. The gates were beautiful though. I'm told they were recently redesigned to a member of Martha Stewart's staff that had passed away. If you think dying is getting you away from Martha Stewart think again. That lady made more money in jail that %99 of you will earn in a life time. In front of the gate St. Peter is behind a counter in front of a computer terminal. There is a wall behind him that has bounced tithe checks tacked on it. I trot up to the counter and we have this conversation.

St. Peter: Bono, Hey hows it going?
Me: Aside from just dying I guess I'm ok.
St. Peter. Good. Now lets see if you get in.
Me: I might not be in?!
St. Peter: No, you might not be in. I have to run you thru the computer to see if you made it.(He starts typing my name in. I wait nervously. He hits enter and a pop up appears in the middle of the screen that says the system is searching. 30 seconds pass and still nothing. St. Peter look over and says...)

St. Peter: Sorry, this thing has been taking a while since we switched to Windows Vista. We had MAC's for a while but we switched back to Microsoft. After the economy crashed God had more money than Bill Gates again, so he was cool switching back...Ohh there we go. Whoow! You just barely made it. Oh, I see you are quite the gambler.

Me: How do you know that by looking at the computer.

St. Peter: It has a list of all of your prayers. Most of them involve the results of field goals, free throws and photo finishes. Here, let me open the gate for you. When you get in make a right and you'll see a sportsbar. Jesus will be there waiting for you.

I don't wait for the gate to open I skip thru in between the bars. Head to the sportsbar. Jesus is there waiting for me. As soon as I sit down, two plates of chicken tacos and two ice cold beers appear. I ask how did you know that's what I wanted. He give me a funny look and says "I'm Jesus". Then I was like "Oh yeah!". Anyway he told me how everything works up here. You know the whole no sorrow, no pain bit which sounds great to me. After lunch with Jesus, I meet up with loved ones up here. I had a nap with my biological mom. Talked to a couple brothers from my litter(I only had brothers). I told them all my Carty stories and we had a big laugh. I met up with my Grandpa, uncle Chesse and Cousin Ivan. Also, had some laughs there. Mama, Grandpa is as crazy up here as he was down there! Anyway to rap things up. I know some of you will miss me. Especially my Mama. I can't say I'll miss you. We don't do that type of thing up here. I know we'll be together in due time. Thanks to everyone that read my blog at some point. I hope you got a chuckle. I'm going to do more fun things now....see ya later....Bono.

Note from author(Bono's Dad):

This blog was written primarily to make my wife laugh. Most of the opinions and thoughts on this blog are mine. However Bono was much of the inspiration behind it. He was my muse I guess. Of course he had no interest in beer, football, politics etc. But much of his personality was part of this. He did enjoy anything with tuna, fighting with his brother, keeping his paws impeccably white, watching the sunrise and most of all spending time next to his Mom. He had been sick off and on for most of this year. But in early May to mid-July he was %100 healthy till his final illness. After a week in the hospital we were able to bring him home. His final two days were spent with his family at his side in his room. He got to watch his final two sunrises being petted by his Mom. He would have done the same for her if the roles were reversed. As he always had a keen sense of when she was sick or depressed. In those times he would never leave her side. Bono was and is very special to us. He will be missed dearly and never be forgotten.

Bono is very sick in the hospital. Please pray for him.

2010-07-19T17:50:00.000-07:00

Where the hell is my healthcare?

2010-02-05T17:28:00.001-08:00

I've been laid up with a case of pancreatitis lately. If you don't know what that is it's the inflammation of your pancreas. It's the organ that releases enzymes to digest food. When it's inflamed it releases and excessive amount of the enzyme and your body tries to digest it self. It's not quite as fun as it sounds. I was out of it for a couple days. Had a couple very costly trips to the vet. I have health insurance. Yes, I'm a cat with health insurance. If you are one of those people that complain that I'm a cat with health insurance but we have kids starving in Africa with no health care etc. I'm not apologizing for it. That's your problem. Well the insurance does not cover everything. And the problem with this pancreatits issue is that it can be chronic. I might have to deal with this for the rest of my life. Which brings me to the health care issue. Clearly things haven't really been stimulated by our stimulus "plan". You didn't think I would stop complaining because the guy I wanted to win won did you? I feel obligated to complain more now when things don't go the way I think they should. Anyway, we dropped about $3 Trillion on the stimulus. I thought we should have just jacked it up to $10 Trill or so. What the hell, $21 Trillion deficit or $28 Trillion deficit, will we be any less screwed at 21 rather than 28? I say we take the extra $7 trill from the proposed Bono's super stimulus and spend it to get everybody health care. Domestic animals included. I'm not sure why people get so offended by this. Do they really like having a huge premium ripped from their paycheck and handed over their shitty HMO? They feel bad for insurance companies? They like not having coverage when they are laid off? I don't get it. If you are against this, you will like it more once faced with the threat of chronic illness. Trust me. I decided to take action on this issue. I thought I would look into contacting my Government representatives office's. I considered calling Harry Reid's office, but clearly that dip shit can't get anything done. I looked into my who Congressional Representative is. I quickly forgot who it was after the last election. Carty always remembers shit like this. So we had this conversation. Me: Carty, who represents our district in Congress. Carty: Dina Titus. Me:"Son of a Bitch"!!! Yes, the lady that I though was mentally disabled when I watched her campaign commercials was my second option. I already had pancreatitis. The last thing I needed was a case of Dina Panreatitus. Thank you. I'll be here all week.

Do these goobers instill confidence in you? Me neither.

Now I was down to our other Senator, John Ensign. I don't really care that he was banging one of his campaign workers. I'm more offended that he was part of the Republican regime that presided over this whole economic mess in the first place. Asking for his help or any other Republican that was around during the Bush years, is like asking a fat person for dietary advice. What they say might actually be correct, they just have no credibility. So in short it seems I'm screwed.....On a happier note, Super Bowl Sunday is almost here! Since I haven't been feeling well I haven't had a drink in over three weeks. This is the longest stretch with out drink since I was in my 20's when my ex suggested that I lay off the sauce. I got rid of her shortly after I realized she was trying to change me. Note to woman. Human men and cat men are very similar in this sense. We are both willing to change, but you have to make us think it was our own idea. Much easier said then done. Anyway, I'm feeling better now and if I continue to do so is might knock a few down for the game.....Super Bowl predictions: The Colts will beat the Saints 31-20 and at least one member of The Who will break a hip during the halftime performance. This is not an exaggeration. If the members of The Who were American they would qualify for Medicare. Memo to the NFL. If the halftime act is too old if they have members that can die of natural causes and nobody would be surprised.....I'd like to do a shout out to my Auntie Shiloh. We both had birthday's since my last post. We are both older than we care to admit. We both didn't get anything particularly good for our birthday and still have not gotten anything from my Mama.

Are you ready to get your ass sniffed?

2009-12-29T21:33:00.000-08:00

Next time you fly I think it might happen. Now that terrorists are hiding bombs in their undies I think it a strong possibility. Apparently whatever technology they are using now doesn't detect crotch bombs or ass bombs. I think you are going to crotch/ass/bomb sniffing dogs in the security lines at the airport. Can anybody think of any other quick alternatives to keep this from happening again? No, hiring competent screeners at the airport is not an option. Only realistic ideas please. Cindy Dean did some work for her sister/brother-laws security dog biz in
Constantinople. If I had a business like that I would be training them for this job right away. If I didn't think the world was going to end in 2011 I would probably invest myself. It can't be easy to train the dogs though. In fact It could by quite a nasty task to train them. Dogs seem to be easily trained to sniff out explosives. But now dogs need to be trained to sniff out explosive mixed with Arab balls sweat. Yuck! How do you replicate a smell like that? Not that I would know what it smells like. But you don't have to stretch your imagination to know it can't be good.....On a couple occasions I've thrown out ideas on how to catch terrorists. I have another one. Why can't we have a separate line for Islamist at the airport. Then they can be inspected more thoroughly. Hold on, yes I know it violates Civil rights, the Constitution, blah, blah, blah. This type of thing is not without presidence(see Japanese internment circa 1942). But I have a catch. Let's be real, these people have been screwing up air travel even well before 9/11. What if the government offered an incentives to Islamist to play along. How about a $10k tax credit? You get to May 15th to pay your taxes. Rather than 72 virgins if you die as a martyr, you get 73 Thai hookers now!! Corporations could jump in. All Islamist get %10 of Starbucks. A free air filter with every other oil change at Jiffy Lube. The possibilities are endless. We can even extend it to other ethnicities. Black people could agree to be escorted around retail outlets to prevent shoplifting. White corporate CEOs will agree to stop ruining the Country. Me being 1/2 Mexican and my Dad being full Mexican we discussed the following situation. What if all Mexicans were forced to learn English and always have their proof of citizenship pinned to their shirt like kindergartners homework so everybody will know if we are legal or not? We both agreed we would do it for a $5k tax credit, %15 off at El Pollo Loco, cuts in the line at the DMV and we get to use the Islamist line at the airport(We both would trade the more extensive search for the shorter line). Sure if this happened there would be no one left to pick our fruits and vegetables, build shit, clean our hotel rooms, leaf blow, shop a Big Lots etc. But damn it we won't have to deal with that annoying press 1 for English, press 2 for espanol question! And their might not be anybody left to take my discounted order at El Pollo Loco, but I think the economy is bad enough now that even white people will take those jobs, so I'm not to worried about that....On a more serious note I'm frustrated that we are still debating how to stop terrorist. Terrorism is simply a tactic being used in a greater struggle. Since 9/11 nothing has been done to address the greater struggle. In fact we have gone backward. I've mentioned in previous blogs that the biggest reason radical Islamist want to kill us is because they see us as Christians/Jews all up in their Islam business. We have military bases on Arab soil, we pretty much occupy two Countries, blindly back Isreal. As long as these things are going on we are going on we are going to be dealing with terrorism. Obviously, they don't have the numbers or resources to fight our military in a conventional war, so they are going to use terrorism. Killing their leadership does not help. It just buys us time while they regroup. I've lost count on how many #2/#3 Al-Quida guys we've killed. The idea for them is to create overreaction. And so far it is working well for them. We are spending billions if not trillions in Iraq. Despite Obama's campaign promises we can't leave. It would be a train wreck. We've opened prisons where we hold prisoners without trial, undermining our moral authority(why can't they just be prosecuted in put in our regular Federal prisons?) and own Constitution. I've heard one person, Republican Ron Paul even bring up the idea of simply extricating ourselves from the whole region. That's not to say that the reasons we are there(Isreal/Oil) are not worth fighting/risking our livelihood for. You might think they are. But can we at least have the debate? Finally, I think the Government is pretty limited in it's ability to prevent terrorism. How much can the government do to keep a group of Islamic terrorist to go an a shooting spree in a crowded shopping mall? It seems we've been pretty lucky that they seem fixated in bombing planes for some reason. With that said this latest attempt is quite worrisome. This dude that tried this pretty much had "Terrorist" stamped on his forehead. I think we are all hypocritical to some extent. But I try to be as consistent with my arguments as possible. If you have read my blog before I've been pretty tough to George Bush. But I've never really blamed him for 9/11. But I've always been annoyed by Republicans that twist them self in to a pretzel to blame it on Bill Clinton. I've always countered with the argument, that if the Republicans were so enlightened on the issue and they had nine months to prevent it, why did it happen? I would make the same argument in this case. Everyone from the TSA inspector up needs to take heat for this. I don't know whatever security hole that allowed this to happened existed when Bush was in place, but if it was it should have been fixed by now.

Where do I start.

2009-12-17T18:26:00.000-08:00

It been a while since I blogged. Quite a bit has happened since then. I have lots of ground to cover. I'm not really sure how to make it flow correctly so basically I'm going to just throw a bunch of crap out there...We had Thanksgiving. It was at my condo this year. Us cats are not good enough for humans to have around for Thanksgiving, so the neighborhood cats just have our own. It's become a tradition of ours. We just get together eat turkey, drink wine and watch football like everybody else. When you mix cats with wine and turkey we should really call it Napapaloza or something. Anyway, for the 6th year in a row, when carving the turkey Carty made an inappropriate dark meat joke. For the 2nd year in a row it involved the Kardashian sisters. When everybody called him out on it he swore it was the first time he used the Kardashian sisters and last year was Eva Longoria. The consensus was that he used the Kardashian sisters for the 2nd year in a row. Before we ate we said a prayer which is fine. But every year one of the women wants to go around and have everybody say what they are thankful for. When this is brought up all the guys all sigh a little bit which because none of us know what to say. Most of use just copy what one of the other guys say. Plus, they always mute the football game during this and delays eating by ten minutes...My buddy Chico was there. You might remember him from my Cinco de Mayo blog. He is Mexican so naturally him and his wife have had 4 litters if kids. I don't even think he is sure how many kids he has. Most of his latest litter was bumping around my place, heightening my disdain for children. I bring this up because Chico and his wife Lupe were a little down this year, because their son Paco(He is in the Air Force. Pictured in uniform) just shipped out for another tour in Afghanistan. What can a cat possibly do in the military you ask? He keeps birds off the end of runways. If you think that is un-important, ask those people on that US Air flight that "landed" in the Hudson river last year. He also keeps vermin away from the mess hall and helps out maintaining the computer networks when he has time. Plus, if a lizard can sell auto insurance a cat can sure as hell serve in the military.

A while after dinner Carty and some friends went out on the patio to smoke cigars. If there has been a bigger douche bag activity invented in the last 15 years I don't know what it is. They all light up and start talking about the quality and taste of various cigars. I've smoked around a dozen cigars (I'll try anything 12 times} and they all tasted like I was making out with an ashtray. Why anybody would pay more for one cigar over another is beyond me. They were talking about how Arturo Fuente cigars have an "oakey" flavor to it. Now Carty has eaten just about everything possible, so I can see how he would know what an oak tree taste like. But everybody else? What does Mahogony taste like? Is there a particle board flavored cigar? I would lump wine connoisseurs in this also. I mean, I love wine and all. But they all pretty much taste the same. A $300 Cabernet from some specialty store does taste better than the $3 bottle from Walgreens. But not 300 times better. I think wines should be rated on how horny they make your wife/girlfriend. It would be much more helpful then telling be it has hints of raspberry with with a plum finish, I can tell you that much.

Can we stop treating Tiger Woods like the worst person in the world? So he banged some floozies. Big deal. His soon to be 1/2 a billionaires ex-wife will get over it! Trust me. Unless you are a billionaire that turns down every women that throws them self at you, I think you should spare the judgment.

My Mama's business, ArtJewelsandTreasuresByJen is officially no more. They closed their doors a couple weeks ago. It turns out Carty was the soul of the business and when he stepped down the company was rudderless.

I had to go the vet about a week and a half ago. I made some funny meows when I was taking a whiz. Hey, I'm getting old. When you get into your fifties you are going to make some funny sounds when you are taking a piss too. I told her it was nothing to worry about. But she insisted that I go. When I got there, everybody time a one of the staff members would see me they would ask me where Carty is and if he is OK. None of them asked how I was doing? Or why I was even there? The didn't find anything. The did somehow decide that I have some anger issues. Not sure how they came to that conclusion. They wanted to put me on some medication. I was like hell no! I don't have any f****N anger issues!! After some debate I agreed to a couple counseling sessions with a therapist. Rather then meds. I don't think I need the help but I've always had a hypothesis that therapist are full of shit and I just want to test out my theory. I had my first appointment this week. So far my theory is holding true.

I'm getting fired up for Christmas. But a couple things are pissing me off. If you are one of those people that gets really upset because a business/school or some other entity has a sign that says Happy Holidays not Merry Christmas or vice versa you really need to direct you anger at something more constructive. At least that is what my therapist says. I think they need to be kicked in the balls personally. If you are one of the ones that gets pissed off that a sign says Happy Holidays rather then Merry Christmas, please realize everybody does not think exactly like you. And most of all non-Christians buy gifts to(If you read the history of Christmas, it has been a more secular holiday than most Christian would care to admit). So naturally stores in areas where there is a significant non-Christian population they don't want their customers to feel uncomfortable. On the other hand, if you are Jewish, Arab, Atheist, whatever and you get pissed because your company calls it's party a Christmas party rather than a holiday party. Realize, you are out numbered!! Deal with it!

Finally, I was listening to the lyrics of "Rudolph the Rednose Raindeer" and I realized why have the other raindeer gotten a free pass through all these years. They openly discriminated against Rudolph just because he had a very shiny nose? What a bunch of assholes! They would verbally abuse him and bar him from playing reindeer games because he nose was bright red? I sounds to me that Donner, Blitzen and company were a bunch of superficial pricks. They didn't accept him till he bailed them out. Then they "loved" him. Where was Santa through all this? He had to know this was going on. He just allowed the other raindeer treat Rudolph like shit? Rudolph could have easily sued for workplace discrimination. I give a ton of credit to Rudolph. Would you have blamed the guy if he just told Santa and the other reindeer to just piss off on that foggy Christmas Eve? I think we all owe a large debt to Rudolph saving Christmas that year and handling this blatant injustice with such dignity.

Bono predicts the world will end in 2011

2009-11-01T17:48:00.000-08:00

It seems everybody is predicting the world is going to end in 2012 these days. Dead Mayans, Nostradamus, religious nuts, Hollywood movie producers etc. It's the new Y2K. At least from what I read. I wasn't alive in 1999-2000. I always found it ironic that most of the people that were making predictions about the world ending in 2000 were non-Christian. They saw a special relevance in that the earth rotated around the sun 2000 times since the approximate birth of someone that they believe lied about being the son of God or never existed at all? Anyway, when people start making predictions about things I just can't help my self, I have to chime in also. It can be football, horses, weather, just about anything. When people start predicting things, I have to make a bet also. By definition this isn't a bet I can really cash in on. But if I'm alive when it happens atlest I can have the tiny bit of satisfaction of being right as I die. I watch quite a bit of the History Channel. The should change the name of it to the End of Life on Earth Channel. They talk about it constantly. They have an endless loop of people predicting all sorts of catastrophes. Earthqukes, wars, famine, disease, things crashing into earth etc. Wow, they are really going out on the limb there. These things have been happening since the beginning of time!! I watched a special on the 1906 San Francisco earthquake. They had some scientist boldly stating that there is going to be another big earthquake in San Francisco someday. Thank you, Professor Obvious. What's your next prediction? the Cleveland Browns are going to suck again next year? This is one the biggest issues I have with the doom predictors. They never really give any specific information. And when they do give detail, it's always veiled in symbolism and kookie language that can be interpreted in many different ways. For instance, most of the the 2012 predictions are based on the calender of the ancient Mayans ending. But that's all it does is end. It doesn't really make any prediction about humanity ending. Maybe all it means is that some Mayan dude got tired of chiseling shit into a rock? The guy who made the so called prediction could have been the Miss Cleo of the Mayan world. We sure our giving them quite a bit of credibility for people without much of a track record of making predictions. Also, if they saw into the future why didn't they predict their own demise just a relatively short time later? Why do we give ancient cultures so much credit? You know they used to sacrifice their own children to try to make it rain so crops would grow right? So they built some freaking pyramids big whoop! They couldn't figure out indoor plumbing but they could see into the future?.....Then we have Nostradamus. All of his predictions seem to be verified posthumously. Some big event happens and people go back and read one of his quatrains with is usually a bunch of astrological gibberish, then say "Oh, here's where he predicted that". What also bothers me about Nostradamus is that he spent all his time predicting big historical events that happened years after his death. As a guy I don't buy this. If a guy had the ability to predict the future now, he would use it to predict the Super Bowl, stock market, which chick at the Club would be willing to bang him that night. He sure as hell wouldn't be predicting events that will happen hundreds of years after his own death. What's the point? I have a hard time believing guys from the 1500's were not just as greedy and horny as they are now... Most of the major religions all predict the end of humanity also. Most seem to take a similar position as Bible and say the it will happen "soon" and for some reason there are a bunch of trumpets, bowls and scrolls involved. Then we have good ole' Hollywood which has been capitalizing of this shit for years. Watching football and baseball I've been seen a bunch of commercials for the new "2012" movie. They show the world being turned up side down while John Cusak is trying to get the airport to escape. I have a hunch John Cusak somehow escapes the demise of life on earth. Of course millions will pay to go watch it. What a better way to cheer yourself up during a time of economic strife, war and flu epidemics then to go watch a movie about the end of world. Sounds like a great way to escape from the stress of life....With that said why do I predict 2011? I don't know. Seems as logical as any other time. It seems like a bolder prediction to call it sooner rather than later. I also put my money where my mouth is. I cashed out my 401k and other investments and I'm spending like crazy. I might not have enough to get me through 2010 much less 2011, so if we are still around in 2012, I have another prediction. I'll be hitting you up for a loan.

I'm back again.

2009-09-28T21:44:00.000-07:00

I figured I did about 4 months worth of blogs in August based on my usual pace so I thought I would take some time off. Plus it's football season again. So my time has been occupied with that. Also, my Mama's computer had a virus. I don't what sites she's been looking at. Her and my Dad argued which one of them actually contracted the virus. I'm sure Tommy Lee and Pam Anderson had a similar argument at some point. It was a awkward situation for all. So she has been hogging my computer. She has a Facebook account now, so she thinks she's sooooo cool. Check it out if you already haven't done so. She should be announcing her latest hair brain scheme on there anytime now. She is going to be flipping dollhouses. Yes, she is planning, and I emphasize planning to fix up dilapidated dollhouses and sell them for a profit. I can't believe I'm saying this, but after all her other crazy ideas over the years this one kind of makes sense. Of course she conned my Dad in to financing it. Carty, is coming partially out of retirement to be a consultant. He was adamant that he was not going to take an official title with the new investment group. But like all consultants his qualifications are murky at best, he is charging huge fees and is not willing to have a shred of accountability for the results of whatever his suggestions might bring about the company. Pretty sweet gig. Anyway, she bought three houses this weekend. Predictability, the houses have not had a shred of work done on them and sit unattended as I type this, while my Mama watches "Under the Tuscan Sun" for the 15th time on cable; commercials and all despite having the DVD sitting right above the TV she is watching. It's going well so far.

Week of Bon Day 7:Finally Done

2009-08-25T22:55:00.000-07:00

There I did it. Blogged for seven days in a row. It wasn't that hard. I have to be quick. I can barely stay awake. My Mama was hogging my computer. Her computer has a virus, so she has been using mine all night. She finally opened up a Facebook account. And she is going back to school. She is at least attempting to get enrolled at CSN. Facebook and school? My Mama is just a case of acne and two bra cup sizes from being a teenager again. Thank You, I was here all week....Anyway you can find her on Facebook now. You can try to be her friend. She's not very friendly though so don't be surprised if she tells you to piss off. Good luck.

Week of Bon Day 6: Get Off My Lawn.

2009-08-24T20:26:00.000-07:00

I was trying to get some reading done late this morning and some punk teenagers were skateboarding on my Mama's drive way. I tried to ignore it as first. Then I just couldn't take it anymore. I went to my Mama's opened a second story window and yelled "Hey Tony Hawk, go shit in your own back yard"! Then one of them flipped me off. Then I was like "Get the hell out of here"! Then they shot back with "What are you going to do? You're just a little freakin cat." That set me off. I put my claws against the screen. And said "A little Cat? I'll go Gran Torino on you bastards!!! Where the hell are your parents? They can't have a job. That would mean they would have some sense of responsibility. Which means they wouldn't have raised you freakin losers"!!! Then the neighbors started to come out and peaking out of their windows. Yes, we have neighbors now. We used to be surrounded by foreclosure homes. Now there at least being rented out, It's been surprising. They left when people started looking. I stayed staring out the window. They tried to sneak back but they would see me in the window. Doing my Clint Eastwood pointed gun thing. I loved "Gran Torino" if can't already tell. I think we all kinda wish we could be like his character in that movie. Not necessarily a bitter racist, but more of a person/cat that just tells everyone what we really think, consequences be damned. Now that I've cooled off I'm kind of regretting it. These punks will probably come vandalize the house or something. It's not really worth it. I should listened to my IPOD loud enough to cover up their sound. Now, I'll be standing watch at the window for who knows how long. This will probably be the last time I impersonate a Clint Eastwood character.

Week of Bon Day 5:My Weekend

2009-08-23T20:28:00.000-07:00

I hung out with my Mama Saturday morning. It's a tradition of ours. I go over to her house and we have some coffee. A light breakfast. Usually some pie or something bad for us. We'll talk about how our week went. How we should spend the weekend doing something productive but knowing we are not. We talked to Cindy about Mister passing a way. A bummer, but death is part of life I guess. I went back to my place for a while before I met my Dad at the Red Rock Casino to bet a few horse races. I think we are the two worst avid horse players in the world. Sure we win every now and then, you do it enough your bound to stumble into a few winners, but we've been exceptionally cold this summer. It's still a great time. That's why we keep going back. Plus, gamblers are externally the biggest pessimist in the world, but internally the most optimistic. Ask a gambler how they are doing and you'll never get a positive answer. But inside we keep going back because today might be the day we hit the big one. Anyway, my Dad gets annoyed when I'm at the sportsbook with him because all the cocktail waitresses like to come up to me and pet me all the time. Despite my inability to pick a winning racehorse I'm the envy of the sportsbook. After that, I went home and had a quiet evening alone watching the NASCAR race....Today I went out and played 36 holes of miniature golf. I've taken my game to a new level this summer. If there we're a professional senior tour for cat's playing miniature golf I would be on it. I got home and tried to watch TV. Nothing on. Football starts and three weeks and I'm going through major withdrawals right now. Time can't go by fast enough. This time of year always seems to drag. Not only I'm I waiting for football, I'm waiting for the temperatures to cool down. My power bill was through the roof this month. I might have to pick up a 2nd job. Wait, I don't have a 1st job. I might have to get a job to pay my power bill this month. I spent the rest of the day looking for schemes to for extra cash. If anybody has any idea let me know. No pyramid schemes though. AmWay only works for Mormon's.

Week of Bon Day 4: In Memory of Mister

2009-08-22T15:46:00.000-07:00

After a brave battle with cancer my friend Mister was put down today. Or you could say he met The Big E, as us cats call it. He was Cindy Dean's cat. He was a great guy and will be missed.

Week of Bon Day 3:I still don't know what I'm going to blog about today.

2009-08-21T20:34:00.000-07:00

It doesn't bode well for the rest of the week that I can't think of anything to blog about. I'll just talk about what I did today. Today was pretty uneventful. I woke up. Took a nap. Has some coffee. Puked on the floor. Watched my Tivoed Real Housewives of Atlanta. Wow, if you want to see some self absorbed human beings you need to watch that show. You wouldn't think that putting the most unlikable people on the planet on one TV show would make for compelling television but it does. I think I took another nap after that. Then I went to my Mama's and took a nap on top of the scratching post I have there. Then I woke up and sprinted full speed back to my condo for no good reason. Then I did some research for my up coming fantasy football draft. Yes, ladies I play fantasy football. I know you find that irresistible in a cat. Is their anything sexier then a bunch of guys sitting around a table drinking beer and hollering out the names of young athletic men? I think not. I went back to my Mama's house. Carty was playing the guitar. My Mama got a acoustic guitar for her birthday. Predictably she hasn't even tried to play it. The high of purchasing it from the Home Shopping Network was good enough for her. My Dad tries but he is hideous. However, Carty is a freakin natural. Within a couple days he was playing the opening bars Bon Jovi's "Dead or Alive". He woke us all up one morning when he was playing and singing "Cielito Lindo" in front of a window watching the sun come up. He says he may have found his calling now that he isn't "working". I hung out with Carty for a while. We had a light lunch and took a nap. My Mama got home. I told her she needs to clean up the puke on my floor. It's still there. My Mama watched the Home and Garden channel while I made sarcastic comments the whole time. My Dad got home. I told him to go clean up the puke on my floor. It's still there. I went back to my condo and took a nap. Carty sent me a text letting me know my Mama was making green chile chicken enchiladas. I went back to my Mama's and ate half my body weight in enchiladas. Now I'm back at my condo blogging. But after all that food I need a nap.

Week of Bon Day 2:How You Know a Restaurant Sucks

2009-08-20T20:44:00.000-07:00

There are sorts of deals you can get at restaurants in Vegas these days. I get coupons left and right and a bunch or restaurants have specials. C.J's my favorite barbecue joint is trying to stave off bankruptcy by painting their windows car dealership style with the words "Free Beer". It got me to swing in. You have to spend $35 to get 2 free beers. I bought a couple extra pounds of brisket and brought it home for Carty to get me to $35 bucks. He thought I was just being thoughtful. He's still very naive. But since these deals are you there I've been eating out quite a bit lately. The downside of the deal is that you figure out why some restaurants have to resort to coupons and giveaways. It can be frustrating. Especially for a cat like me that loves food TV. I love Anthony Bourdain and Gordon Ramsey. If you don't know who they are you probably like eating at Taco Bell, Sizzler or God forbid TGI Friday's. If you are one of those people this blog isn't for you. I've watched all their shows and read their books. They make it seem very simple but more often than not restaurants screw it up. That's why most of them go out of business. There are few simple things to look out for. 1st is the menu size. If the menu has a 5 pages. A la the a fore mentioned TGI Friday's, the restaurant sucks. How can they be good at that many things? They make a great shrimp creole AND a great Thai chicken salad. Bullshit, they both suck. If you want a Thai chicken salad go to a Thai restaurant! If you want indigestion go to TGI Friday's. On a related note, if you eat at a place that specializes in something, never order against the grain. For instance Tony Roma's which calls it self "A place for Ribs" offers a couple fish selections on it's menu. Never, ever, ever order the fish in this type of situation. Once you put your order in the dishwasher has to run the swordfish fillet that has been in the freezer since the mid-90's through the rinse cycle just to get it defrosted. Generally you want to stay away from deep fried foods also. Oil is hard to get rid off. So restaurants don't do it as often as they should. Order something fried. Good chance it's been cooked in oil that has been around for a while. Next, I go into the bathroom at every place I eat. If it's filthy I get the hell out of there. If the bathroom is dirty what the hell do you think the kitchen looks like? I also avoid places that serve steamed vegetables. Sure it's quick, hard to screw up, great way to cover up that it was frozen 5 minuets ago. Mostly it's a sign of laziness. It's something just thrown on a plate just to say they gave you vegetables. If they treat the veggies that way. It's a good bet they treated the rest of you meal that way. Another sign of laziness. Individually wrapped pads of butter. Can you remember the last good restaurant you ate at with individually wrapped butter? It's a pain in the ass. You're starving, you want to eat your baked potato or panckes, but noooo. You have to unwrap your butter. And it's never the right temperature to have the right texture. If it's to warm, most of it sticks the wrapper and is a chore just to get on to your knife. Or it's frozen solid and you can't spread it properly on your pancakes or toast. Then you never have good place to put the wrapper. Why is this acceptable? When ever I order a baked potato and the server brings out wrapped butter, I'm like do I have to go back and chop my own chives too? Make my own bacon bits? Churn my own sour cream? Can you make eating a little more inconvenient for me? Sorry I'm ranting again but I just have utter contempt for wrapped butter. Now the little cups of whipped butter. That's the ticket. I would bathe in whipped butter if were socially acceptable. One final complaint. Any condiment with in reason should be at the table before the meal or brought to the table with it. Just last week I went to the Mexican joint in the Red Rock Casino. I ordered Tacos. They brought me the tacos but no salsa!!!! Who the hell eats tacos with no salsa? Salsa is implicit with the ordering tacos. Why do I have to ask? When I go to "Tacos De Mexico" they give me two kinds of salsa without me asking. They wait staff doesn't know a word of English and I get salsa. Ordering tacos and not getting salso is like ordering pizza and having it brought to you with no cheese. I tracked down the waiter and asked for salsa. Then he forgot! For the record I think people that eat ketchup with everything are pussies and should be kicked in the gut at every opportunity. But I know there are a bunch of you out there and you'll be able to empathise with me on this. Is there anything more annoying than staring at your food waiting for a brain dead waiter to bring you whatever condiment you can't possibly eat your food without? Personally I think individually wrapped butter pads are more annoying but it's pretty close. That's it for the Week of Bon Day 2. I don't have a freaking clue what I'm going to blog about tommorrow.

I'm Back!!

2009-08-05T21:53:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I've blogged. I've been busy working on some other projects. I've meant to blog but just kept putting if off and now it's been well over a month. Last night I went with my Mama and we watched Julie and Julia. Long story short Julie blogs everyday for a year. I've decided to see if I can blog everyday for week. I don't think I've blogged two days in a row, so this will be quite a challenge for me.
I'm calling it the "Week of Bon". I really don't have much to talk about. Not much has really happened on the home front. Since my last blog Michael Jackson died. It's not really topical anymore and it's been waaaay overdone on TV etc. But I do have some observations on the topic. It caught me as odd that so many people swept that last fifteen years or so under the rug. First of all the guy is just a plain weirdo. The guy looks like a wax statue at the Roswell Alien Museum! How can anybody take the guy seriously? Second, what about that little boys thing? When he died you just heard a bunch of tributes and everybody pretended that none of that ever happened. The Michael Jackson that everybody liked has been gone since 1987!! Why is everybody crying now? The guy has been a recluse for damn near two decades? His cultural relevance since then has been being a punch line for late night TV. What surprised me most was how upset African-Americans were about the who thing. I get he was black at one point and he had some sort of skin pigmentation thing going on that played a roll in him turning himself white, but he turned himself white!!! Did he have to straighten his afro? Did he have to get rid of his nose? Did he have to have white kids? For me this would be like Garfield going through numerous surgeries to make himself look like Odie. Then adopt two puppies. Then marry Lisa Marie Presley. Then start fondling puppies. In other words a complete betrayal. No way I would keep claiming the guy as my own.

Latest trip to the vet

2009-07-07T20:57:00.000-07:00

I was just reading Cindy Dean's blog. She was talking about how she had to go to the emergency room. Then I remembered. Hey I didn't blog about my last trip to the vet! We'll I haven't posted any journal entries lately, so I decided I would belatedly post my journal entries about mine and Carty's check up at the Vet. At the end I also posted last years experience that was orginally posted on my Mama's blog..... We'll start on the Thursday night prior to our trip on Friday Morning.....

Thursday

6:50pm......I'm sitting upstairs watching a moth fly around the room(a favorite summer activity of mine). My mom and dad are down stairs. My mom reminds my dad that he needs to drop us off at the V-E-T in the morning. She spells out the letters, instead of just saying the vet. I go to the top of the stairs and yell down, "I can spell you idiots". I go back to the room I was in.

7:04pm......The moth flies right by me. I catch him in my paws, an kill the S.O.B. Trust me he was asking for it. He was a threat to my family. My actions are completely justified.

7:08pm......Carty is in the kitchen down stairs. I send him a text to let him know we're going to the vet in the morning. Yup, I sent him a text. You really don't expect me to walk down the stairs to tell him do you?

7:14pm......Carty was just at the vet a few weeks earlier to get his heart checked. He had to have patch shaved on his side for his test. Now him and my Mama are seeing if he possibly had enough hair grow back for a comb over to cover up the patch. There was a little Persian he fell for the last time he went to the vet and for some reason he thinks she might be there again. He wants to look his best.

7:30pm.......Me and Carty go to my our buddy Simba's for our usual Thursday night poker game with some friends.

7:37pm.......A sure sign we are getting old. When we arrive at the poker game. We give our friends just regular paw shakes. There was a time where we might do a knuckle bash. Or that one fist on top of the other thing. Maybe a fancy chollo paw shake. Not anymore. Just a plain old paw shake. I think humans should take note, once you hit about 45, you need to lose the fancy hand shakes. Otherwise you just look like a guy that is trying to be younger than he really is and it just looks pathetic. Kind of like having a comb over.

9:41pm......Carty and I bring up that we have go to the vet the next morning. It prompts a conversation in which all compare horror stories from our trips to the vet. Carty has more than anybody, because it seem he's there about every two weeks. I have the best story though. When I was a baby I nearly died from an allergic reaction from my immunization. I actually never lost consciousness and was too young to even remember the incident. But like the old saying goes, never let the truth get in the way of a good story. Every time I tell it I embelish it a little more. I'm up to being out for more than 10 minutes and actually reached the gates of heaven. I tell everyone that when they told me it wasn't my time yet, Instead of coming back through the light I just hung out and had a beer(a Guinness) with St. Peter and John the Baptist(yes he got his head back) before I came back. I said I tried to get them to tell me if they knew who was going to win the next year's Super Bowl, but they wouldn't give in. I think little details like that make your lies a little more believable.

12:15am.......Slightly toasted we all go out for breakfast after the game to a little Irish Pub called "Three Angry Wives". Another tradition of ours. The sign at the front door says their "Special" for the night is huevos rancheros. I have very few rules in life. I don't like confining myself that way. However, I do have a rule against eating huevos rancheros at an Irish Pub.

12:24am.......Carty orders the huevos rancheros and an order of pancakes. The following conversation happens.

Me: What the hell are you doing ordering huevos rancheros at an Irish Pub?! We have to go to the vet tomorrow!! You're going to be farting all day! Then your chasing it with panckes!! I thought you were watching your heart!!

Carty: Hey, If want to order huevos rancheros I'll order huevos rancheros! I know it's an Irish Pub! But the cook is as Mexican as they come! He was probably flipping eggs in Jalisco last week! Damn it, you don't tell me what to do! I'll eat what I want and I'll deal the the consequences!!

Me: But I have to deal with the consequences!! I'm going to be in a carrier and a cage with you all day tomorrow!! Your going to be farting like crazy!!

Waitress: Hey!! Settle down or I'm cutting you off!!

1:45am......We get picked up by cab that smells like a mule just took a dump in the back seat.

2:01am......Home and headed to bed.

7:31am......Awake. Contemplating running under the back corner of the bed so I can't be nabbed and taken to the vet. Think better of it. I tried before and never win. I gather up some books, magazines and my Ipod to keep me occupied during the day.

7:47am......We're in the car on the way to the vet. Carty looks over and says "I shouldn't have had the huevos rancheros".

8:00am......I say hi to Amber the receptionist. We used to be adversaries. We're still not really friends but have come to an agreement to be more amicable with each other.

8:03am......Me and Carty get put into our cage. Carty takes huge dump as soon we get in there. I stick my nose out between the bars to gasp for air. I yell out "Can I get a clean up over here"? How can I manage to play poker, have a blog, play golf etc. But I can't clean up a litter? I don't know. That shit is for you to figure out.

10:41am......I'm first for my check up. I go through the standard thermometer up the ass routine. Get my normal immunizations. This time my Mama is having us get microchiped in case we get lost in a place that doesn't get cell phone reception. I ask the vet if it hurts worse than a regular shot. She says "No, it's only the size of a grain of rice". The I said "Ohh, well let me jam some risotto down your spine and we'll see how you like it"! She gave me the shot. It hurts about 5 times more than the regular shot.

11:32am......Amber comes to get Carty for his check up. While me and Amber just manage to get along, her and Carty have become friends in his recent trips. When she comes to get him he right away asks her if her boyfriend is still being an asshole. She notices a red stain his chest just under his chin. She asks with concern "What is that? Is that blood"? Carty was like "Nah, It a chile stain from my huevos rancheros last night".

12:30pm......Carty and Amber come back to the cage room. They keep talking outside the cage for a while. Apperently Amber's boyfriend is still being an asshole. Now Carty is giving her relationship advise. Yup, she's taking relationship advise from a cat that has never had a relationship that has lasted longer than three months. After they are out there for about 20 minutes I yell out "Hey, If Dr. Phil doesn't have to be in his cage I shouldn't have to be in here either". The both look at me, roll their eyes and keep talking.

2:57pm......My Mama mercifly picks us up. On the way home me and my Mama convince Carty that now he is chipped and he can be tracked on Google Maps.

3:21pm......We get home. Carty spends the next 4 hours trying to find himself on Google maps before he catches on.

The end.

*****************

Friday, May 9, 2008
Bono's Blog. It's been a rough week.
Hi everyone. It been a rough week for me. First of all, to address Cindy's comments on my last blog, no Absolutely Cindy did not win. She did make a little run in the race to make it a little exciting though. Yes, I have been mourning Eight Bells. I'm not sure if it's good or bad to be an animal in this Country. On one hand the death of a single horse got more news coverage than the death of 100,000 people. I'm just as guilty of not paying much attention to it. I'm not quite sure where those people died either, but I heard a little something about it. But then again I'm a cat. What I also want to know is why are the people that are so outraged over the death of Eight Bells, not outraged over the tens of thousands of cats that a euthanized every year? I'm yet to see a news report on that. In my last blog I already addressed some of the hypocrisy in regards to the criticisms of horse racing. Going back and reading it, my comments now seem eerily prophetic. I wish it wasn't so. It completely ruined our Derby weekend. It also kind or ruins the rest of the Triple Crown because we'll have to watch the races holding are breath hoping something like this does not happen again. It's hard to get excited about that. I don't want to sound dismissive of the problems of horse racing. It certainly has them. But this is just another example of misplaced priorities in our Country. On that same note I had no idea that PETA was such a shameful organization. I figured that an organization that's called People For the Ethical Treatment of Animals was a good organization. I found out this week that they are basically an organization that is after self promotion and grandstanding. It turns out that they are one of the leading killers of cats and dogs in this Country. According to the Virginia Dept. of Agriculture they killed %97 of the animals they "rescued" at their "shelter" in that State. If you want to donate to a charitable organization regarding animals, don't donate to them. Give to the ASPCA instead.......So this started my week bad enough. It got worse today. I'll start from the beginning. A few weeks ago the reminder from my vet that Me and Carty are due for our booster shots went up on the fridge. My Mom and Dad keep our appointment date secret because they correctly assume that I will go into hiding that day. The reminder stayed ominously posted there for us to see everyday. I'm not sure if it is some sort of mental torture that they are trying to pull off, but it is not very nice. I tried disguising my voice as my Dad's a couple times and tried calling the vet's office to confirm my appointment date to find out when it was. But the stupid receptionist caught me. I called and asked when my appointment was and she would simply say "I know it's you Bono, stop calling" click. Well this morning, it turned out to finally be the day. I went in without much of a fight. I figured I just better get it over with. A trip to the vet is never good. But this one was worse than usual. When we first went in, me and the receptionist exchanged glares. Then the vet was not there till later in the AM so my Mama could not stay with us during our shots, which really sucks. When the vet finally got there, we got our check up. They take our temperature with a rectal thermometer. Can anybody explain why there has been no significant advancement in taking a cats temperature? If PETA really cared about animals they would be addressing this. They just grab me and stick a thermometer in my ass! No warning, nothing! They should at least talk dirty to me or something. Get me prepared somehow. We'll after that I got a shot of Benadryl. I had an allergic reaction when I was a baby. I don't remember the incident but it gave my Mama quite a scare. So now before all my vaccinations I get an extra shot. Goody for me! Then they put Me in the lovely holding pen for a while before my vaccinations. I guess they want me to think about it for a while. Then I finally get my shots. Shots, plural. I thought I was just getting one. It turns out that I was do for another one. Wooh hoo!! I'm almost positive that freakin receptionist convinced the vet to give me an extra meaningless shot to get back at me. After our shots they put Me and Carty into a cage. You people call them kennels. But let's be honest ok. Is a damn cage. It could be worse. Our vet's office is cats only. Let me take you back to our vet in Albuquerque. In a similar situation we were also in a room with caged up dogs. Once there was a big ole' pincher that would just keep barking. Endless, woof, woof, woof. Loud as can be. Carty and two other cats that we knew from the neighborhood were plotting a way to shank him if they got a chance. Prison style. Fortunately the three of them had the combined IQ of 4 and nothing happened. But I have to admit, I think I would have been ok with it. Ok, back to today. I'm in a cage with Carty. Next to us is some other cat that Carty decides to have an endless conversation with. Every topic under the sun. The election, hockey, chicks, nip, litter, the subprime mortgage crisis. Basically a bunch of stuff neither one of them knew a damn thing about. Then in the cage on the other side of us they put a cute Siamese named GiGi from Spring Valley. She was in for a urinary track infection and you can tell wanted nothing to do with anybody. So naturally Carty hits on her. Three different times!! Through all this I was just trying to get some sleep to make the day go faster till my Mom picked us up. But with all this going on it never happened. When my Mama showed up I asked the vet if I could have a few beers when I get home. She said no. I can't have beer with my vaccinations. I had been looking forward all day to having a few beers and watching the Lakers game. Just another bad break. So now I'm here, sober with a sore ass. So that was my week. Oh, I forgot. The handle on our carrier broke and we were dropped in our carrier. Twice.

John & Kate Plus Train Reck

2009-06-24T20:29:00.000-07:00

Yup. I got sucked in too. I feel terrible about it. My Mama's been watching this show for the longest. I never got into. There were three reasons I couldn't tolerate it.
1. Kate
2. Kate's hair
3. Watching a man loose his will to live is too painful.

Let's start with reason one. Before this season I couldn't watch more than ten minutes of this show. Mostly because Kate drove me up a freakin wall. I can't believe John has hung around this long. Her constant nagging in unbearable. Have you ever been at a restreaunt and some annoying squeaky kid is yelling for no good reason at the table next you. That's what watching this woman is like for me....Ok reason 2. What the hell is going on with her hair? It seems like she really likes three different hair styles but can pick with one to go with so she just does a mix of all three. I'm not the most fashionable guy in the world but that hair style is absurd. Reason 3. Even three year's ago you could tell John just wanted to get the out there. He was slowly losing his soul. In the interview scenes he would just stare out in to space. Trying to thing of what he can say and not have Kate correct him or bitch about his comment. It was just way to uncomfortable watch. So why do I watch now? It's a total cliche but the situation is like a car crash. You feel terrible for slowing down and staring but you just can't help yourself. I can't help but watch this thing implode. I feel like a terrible cat because of it. I have to admit, I don't have the slightest bit of interest in kids. I just Tivo the show and fast forward to the interview pars. If people are honest with themselves nobody else really cares about the kids either. Nobody talked about this show John started making out with chicks outside of clubs. Really who cares about a bunch of kids screwing around with Playdough? On the bright side watching this show provides one of the rare moments where I'm happy about getting my balls chopped off. Another thing, why is this show on the The Learning Channel? What the hell do you learn besides not getting married or having children? Those things everybody already knows.

Bono's Vegas Vacation Guide

2009-06-02T20:32:00.000-07:00

For those of you that are not familiar with the blog world these things have trackers on them that tell you how many hits you gets, from where, how long etc. My favorite feature of the tracker of how it tells you how somebody got to your site. You can click a link and it will show you what somebody Googled to end up at your site. For example I've gotten a disturbingly significant amount of traffic from concerned parents Googling "Facebook and pedophiles". I'm sure they are trying to protect their kids, but they somehow end up clicking on some cat's blog. Which doesn't speak well for the effectiveness of Googling something. I also get a ton of traffic from people Googling stuff like "$10 meal in Vegas" or "Best hotel for kids in Vegas". When I read these it's usually followed by me having a little chuckle. As much as mainstream Vegas has become I'm still pretty amazed how many people have misconceptions about this place. I feel a lot of people come here expecting one thing and end up getting something totally different. That's why I'm doing Bono's Vegas Vacation guide. I've listed some tips below. Before I start, a couple of disclaimers. Being raised by my cheapskate Mom and Dad, I haven't fallen very far from tree so to speak. So most of my suggestions have some sort budget friendly aspect to them. And I'm a guy, so most tips are from a guys point of view.

First a couple ground rules. If you are considering a Vegas vacation you need to really like at least two of the items below in no particular order. If you don't, consider picking a different vacation spot. No actually don't bother reconsidering, just go somewhere else.

1. Gambling.
2. Binge drinking.
3. Eating good, but considerably overpriced food.
4. Eating awful, but cheap food.
5. Casual/Irresponsible Sex(or at least attempting to have casual/irresponsible sex)
6. Shopping in over priced stores.
7. Going to titty bars....I'm mean Gentleman's Clubs.

Seriously, If you don't REALLY like doing two of these things you'll get bored with this place pretty quickly. If you are someone that is OK with doing just one of these things for three consecutive days and you consider it a vacation, you're likely to be considered ___oholic. Just pick your vice from above to fill in the blank. You can still come though. We really need the money.

Second. I've talked about this before in my Best of Vegas blogs, but it warrants repeating. Under no circumstances are children to be brought on a Vegas vacation. No exceptions! Completely putting the moral aspect of bringing your children to a place nicknamed "Sin City" aside**, if you bring kids to Vegas with you, you're only ruining your own vacation. Example, you and your wife bring your two sons with you ages 14 and 16 to fly out to LV for a weekend away. You pawn them off at the pool during the day. But at night they have to stay in room. Trust me kids that age stick out like a sore thumb in a Vegas casino. You can't let them just wander around unattended. Security spots them in a heart beat. I stick out less and I'm a freakin cat. Ok, back to the story. The kids are in the room at night. You and the ole' lady go out to dinner and a show. She has a couple cocktail's at each event. After the show you hit up one of the casino bars for a couple glasses on wine, then she starts getting frisky. I'm mean really frisky. I'm mean you might get oral for the first time in 4 years frisky. Then you go back up to the room for some action an boom, your two freakin kids are there scrambling to change the channel from the adult pay-per view movie they just rung up on your bill as you walk through the door. The whole night ruined. Best case scenario now is getting a handy under the blankets. Or a pawie in my case. That's what us cats call them. Hear that guys? This is why you don't bring kids to Vegas!

**Personal note. For people that look down on Las Vegan's for being more sinful or having less morals than people from other places can go screw themselves. People in Montana, Iowa or wherever else, are just as horny, greedy, lustful or whatever else you want to call us. We just wear it on our sleeves for marketing purposes.

Tip 1. If possible come on a weekday. A silver lining from the dismal economy. You can get absurdly low rates a decent strip hotel. The weekends are less than they used to be but not as much as the weekday rates are down. If you fall into the looking for casual sex catagory, ignore this tip. The Club's are dead. Not many Women around if you are a guy. An if you are a girl are you really looking for a guy that goes to Vegas on a Tuesday to get a $25 room at the Sahara?

Tip 2. Food is not Cheap!!! This myth lives on from the days of old Vegas when $2.50 buffets were common place. They have been gone for a long while. Even the mall food court chain dog shit like Sbarro or Panda Express will cost you more than usual. So plan accordingly. I'm mentioned it before somebody wound up on my blog by searching for a "$10 meal on the Vegas strip". You would have a better chance at finding Bigfoot on the strip than a $10 meal. A Hot Dog, chips and a drink from Nathan's will run you over $10.

Tip 3. Unless you insist on eating till your about to puke skip the buffets. There all the same(mediocre)and their not much of a deal price wise($25-$30 for dinner). Who the hell wants to wait in line to eat dinner? You people look like cattle at these things. I think a heard a couple fat ladies moo behind me the last time I ate at a buffet. You can eat a really good meal at one of the trendy places for $10 more per person. It's worth it.

Tip 4. Eat steaks and chops in the cafe at a hotel that has a high end steakhouse rather than the steakhouse it self. I've had luck with this one. I think it's reasonable to assume they get the meat from the same source. Probably not quite the same quality cuts, but the drop off in quality is not as far as the drop off in price.

Tip 5. Pick a drink a stay with it. If you're going to be partying for 3 nights in a row hangover can put a real damper on your trip. Take it from a polished drinker as my self if you drink just vodka or just beer all night your recovery time is much quicker. If you jump from beers to margaritas to mojitos you won't want to get out of bed the next day.

Tip 6. Don't rent a car. Money down the drain. Use the under-utilized monorail on the strip. You'll actually have some sticker shock at first but the cumulative price will still be less than a rental or cab fare. But you won't have to deal with waiting in cab lines which are long on the weekends, hot and sweaty in the summer. You also don't have to deal with the smelly reckless cab drivers.

Tip 7. All titty bars, I'm mean Gentleman's clubs are the same if you're drunk enough. Pick the one with the cheapest cover or one with no cover. Don't trust the cab driver, they are on the take from the club owner's. Do your research before hand. Be prepared. Just like you were taught in the Boy Scouts.... How did they get to be called Gentleman's Club's anyway? The place is full of perverts. Calling it a Gentleman's club is actually an oxymoron.

Tip 8. When it comes to the show you get what you pay for. The good ones are expensive. Approx. $100 a head for the cheap seats at the good ones. If you want to go to a good one you probably want to get the tickets well before hand. On the bright side, just like the titty bars, if you're drunk enough they are all about the same.

Tip 9. If you just don't give a shit about much of anything. The quality of the food, the room, the women etc. Just go Downtown. You'll find exactly what you're looking for.

Tip 10. Last but not least. Guy's whatever you do don't get sucked in to shopping with the lady. Every casino on the strip has a shopping mall with all the brand name stores. I'm pretty sure they were created by satan. They are labyrinths you'll never get out of. I've nearly died. One time my Mama sucked Me, Carty and my Dad in. We got so bored that while sitting on a bench outside of Juicy Couture waiting for her to come out Carty fell asleep next to some old man that had also fallen asleep, while me and my Dad played rock-paper-scissors against each other for nearly 45 minutes.

So that's it. Hope you enjoy your trip.

Start spreading the news.

2009-05-13T20:00:00.000-07:00

She's leaving today. We'll not today. But sometime this weekend. Who you ask? Cindy Dean. She got my Mama into blogging(at least for a brief period) which got me into blogging. So you can partially blame her for all this bullshit. Where is she going? New York, New York. She wants to be a part of it. We'll not right away, but eventually. She is taking a detour first. Her vagabond shoes have been longing to stray. So lets get right through the very heart of it. She is going to live in Turkey for a few months. Yes, I thought the same thing! Turkey? I was like, What? Was the Four Seasons Beirut booked up? Then she posted on her blog that Istanbul or Constantinople as I call it, is a modern city. Then my Auntie Shiloh said that Turkey is great. And she could see herself spending a few months there also. At first I took their word for it. Being that I've never been there myself. Who am I to say it's not? Then it dawned on me. Cindy lives in North Las Vegas and Shiloh lives in Moriarty, New Mexico. I have been to both of those places. If I lived in either one of those towns I would want to get the hell out of there too. Mogadishu, Somalia sounds like an appealing get away compared to either one of those shit holes. Sorry Cindy, I know Turkey is nice, but I'm not capable of writting a blog without talking shit. Cindy's moving to New York because her boyfriend lives there. I think she has other motives as well. I think she want's to wake up in a city that doesn't sleep. Some people have said Vegas is a 24 hour town. But I've been to the strip at 4am on a Tuesday. That place is snoring. Also, she hasn't made much art lately. I think in the back of her mind she knows NY is one of the art capitals of the world and It will act as a muse for her. Maybe, just maybe she can pull off something big in NYC. She can be queen of the hill. Top of the heap. A number one. So Cindy while your little town blues are melting away we'll be keeping tabs on you. I'm sure we'll find you on top of the list. I don't what list. I don't think Sinatra knew what list he was singing about either, but I'm sure you'll be number one. You're gonna make a brand new start of it in old New York. Just remember if you can make there you can make it anywhere. It's up to you. Best wishes.....Bon.

Happy Cinco De Mayo

2009-05-06T20:34:00.000-07:00

Yes I know I'm writing this on the 6th. I was busy last night. My Dad is Mexican, so I guess I'm kind of half Mexican by proxy. No neither one of us has the Swine Flu at the present moment. Thanks for asking. I usually don't really celebrate Cinco De Mayo. Not that I don't want to celebrate my heritage but lets be honest just like St. Patty's Day it's just a reason get drunk. Also, the official reason for the holiday is a celebration of a war victory Mexico had over the French. Who hasn't has a war victory over the French? Personally I think they need to just invent another reason why we celebrate Cinco De Mayo. Nobody knows the real reason anyway. Humans in general are really stupid. How would they know that the who thing was made up. We should just say it's the day the Mexicans ran Hitler out of France for them because they felt bad about beating them at the Battle of Puebla in 1862. Or the day the taco was invented. My Dad suggested it should be a celebration of the best thing to ever come out of Mexico. Salma Hayek's rack.

I would be down for pretty much anything beside just beating the French. Anyway, I didn't get my blog done last night because my cat buddy Chico gave me a ring. Chico's family is also Mexican, so he full Mexican by proxy. But not just your run of the mill Mexican, his family is like keep an eye out for La Migra Mexican. He called me up around 7:30pm and says "Come over were having a Cinco De Mayo party". I was like "Nah it's weekday, I can't really party tonight". Then he says "What? We're freakin cats! We don't have shit to do tomorrow. Beside you love drinking on weekdays. It's your way of sticking it to the man, remember?" Then I was like "Damn, your right! I'll be there in 15 minutes!" So Carty tagged along and we hung out with Chico and his family. It was a good time. Ate some mystery meat tacos and took a couple whacks at a pinata. We also drank some Bud Light. I bring this up because I want to clarify one thing. Mexicans generally don't drink Mexican beer. You rarely see a Mexican drinking a Corona. Mostly because it taste like horse piss. Read the bottle it's brewed at Juarez Downs. You put lime and salt in it because that's the only way to make it tolerable. Sorry to break it to you white people. If you think you're getting some sort of diverse cultural experience because you drink a Corona when you eat at Mexican restaurant, your fooling yourself. If you want to have a Mexican experience, go hammer shingles on a roof when it's 110 degrees outside. Finally, a couple months ago I listed some of my favorite contributions that African-American's have made to American culture that kind of go un-noticed. I decided to do the same for Mexican-American's. Like I did with African-American I'm going to leave out the obvious people that always get mentioned like Ceasar Chavez and.....we'll that's it. He's the only one the ever gets mentioned. Was he even Mexican-American or just Mexican? Anyway here is my top 10 list of the best contributions Mexican-American make to our culture. Number 1, they do all jobs nobody else want's to do. Really. They do. People complain that Mexican take all the jobs. Do any non-Mexicans apply to clean the toilets at the Travel Lodge? Or trim the hedges your lazy ass won't? Ok.......Number 2......ahhhh. Ok that's all I can think of.......I will post a picture of my two favorite Mexicans instead....Tomy Romo and Speedy Gonzales.

The Forgotten Cat

2009-04-30T19:18:00.000-07:00

I had a rough night last night. I went into my Mama's garage cleaning my miniature golf clubs. It was around 9:00ish. About 9:45 I heard the door to get back into the house lock. Oh, crap. She forgot about me. Surely my Dad would remember that I was in here and would come get me before they went to bed. Boy was I wrong. From inside the house I can hop on the kitchen counter, that is about the height of the doorknob and I can let my self into the garage. But getting back in is a different story. I can't reach the doorknob. On my way in I holler out "I'm going into the garage"! Then when I want to get back in, I scratch at the door and get let back in. Not tonight. They went to bed. I did a couple token scratches at the door around 10:15, nothing. 10:30 comes to pass, 10:45. I'm staring at the floor, board to death. Getting hungry, really thirsty. Come 11pm I already feel like Andy Dufrene from Shawshank Redemption had to spend a week in the hole. 11:15 I took matters into my paws, we'll sort of. I basically just started scratching the shit out the door and yelling at the top of my lungs. Something like this, "Hey!!! Hey!!!! It's me! Your freaking cat!!! Remember!!! Wake up you idiots!!! Open the freakin door!!! I'm hungry!!!!! I'm gonna piss on your cars if you don't open the door!!! Open the damn door!!!! F#@ken meooowwww!!!!! Finally, roughly 11:30 my Dad heard me. He was like was that you? I was like "No you freakin idiot, It was Santa Clause. Mama, wake up. Make me something to eat!!! So that was my lovely evening. Thanks for letting me vent.

Facebook: It's not just for pre-teens and pedofiles anymore.

2009-04-14T19:26:00.000-07:00

I think that should be their new marketing slogan. It's true. Regular folks now have Facebook(or My Space) pages. I checked it out a couple years ago. It was chalk full of middle school kids and middle aged sickos pretending to be middle school kids. Now people that actually earn incomes have Facebook pages. Since I have blog, I can't really criticize. Like us bloggers they figured out its a great way to express you meaningless opinions and pretend you're more important than you really are. Girl's have figured out it's another medium in which they can make backhanded compliments to each other and have some spirited passive aggressive competition with each other. You know, like who can have their most friends in their network. Who can make them self look most like a Penthouse Pet in their photo. You ladies know that your Mom, co-workers, neighbors, pastor etc. can all access these photo's right? Please, I need a female that's on Facebook explain to me what it is about the site that makes you post a picture of yourself and two or three other friends giving weird signs with your hands while standing in front of a Chili's restaurant with your boobs pressed up to your chin. With all these females on the site, of course it's attracted plenty of males that see it as an optimal place to stalk..err, I mean network with their ex-girlfriends......This brings me to another thing. I'm hesitant to bring it up because it's a little embarrassing. This whole Twitter thing has just gotten really big. I'm not sure exactly what it is, but in short it's just people posting/texting everyone whatever they a doing at a given moment. When ever somebody does this this they call it "tweeting" or somebody will tell somebody else that they just sent a couple "tweets". I bring this up because when I was a baby the first nickname my Mama gave me was "Sweetpea". Saying the entire word "Sweetpea" quickly became too much of a task for her so she shortened it up to just "Sweets". Then not long after that, enunciating the S at the beginning for "Sweets" became to difficult and somehow got replace with a T. So since I've been about a year old my Mama's nickname for me has been "Tweets". Which was OK for till I was about two. But as I mentioned in my last blog I'm now 44 years old in cat years. Maybe 45 by now. Anyway, it's pretty embarrassing to have your Mom call you Tweets when you're 45 years old. She even does it in public. It's pretty humiliating. Now it's even worse. With all this Tweeting going on I'm constantly reminded of my childhood nickname that I somehow never shook. If you don't think it's that bad imagine your Mom still referring to you as your nickname from when you were 2 years old. Then you'll know how I feel.

Carty announces retirement. Effective immediately.

2009-03-23T20:59:00.000-07:00

A couple weeks ago Carty came down with what I guess was a flu. He had the shits, was throwing up bile, it was pretty rough. He had a trip to the vet where they did a x-ray. The vet saw that his heart was a little enlarged. They said once he got better that he needed to have a follow up to have his heart looked at to make sure that he did not have heart disease. I guess it's genetic with cats of our breed. So the last couple of weeks it was kind of the elephant in the room between us. We knew it was there but we never really talked about. He didn't bring it up so I didn't bring it up. So this past Friday he had his follow up exam. Everything turned up OK, all things considered. They said he has some mild build up in his arteries but nothing that looks serious at this point. She told him just to cut back on red meat and cigars and we'll take a look in another year. This came as a huge surprise to me. I thought they would say it was at least bad enough to have to put him on some sort or expensive medications so the Vet could get a kick back from cat pharmaceutical company. I was wrong. I guess they have souls unlike human Doctors and pharmaceutical companies. Anyway, Carty has been pretty contemplative since then and in order to reduce stress he decided to retire. Yes, I asked the same question you are asking now. What the hell does Carty do? When he told me he was retiring early, I was like, retiring? Retiring from what? All you do is eat, sleep, shit and eat some more? Then he reminded me a couple year's ago my Mama named him Senior Vice President and Chief Operating Officer of her company. Art Jewels and Treasures By Jen(AJATBJ). I somehow forgot Carty was making all the critical strategic decisions for her company. I don't know how I forgot. It clearly explains that state of AJATBJ. They haven't made a sale in months, my Mama hasn't has a blog post since last June. I asked what decisions he could possibly be making to cause stress in his life? When I brought this up Carty got pretty defensive. He said it was all part of a long term strategy. He started talking about how companies that grow too quickly lose direction and end up losing focus on their core business. He pointed out how in order to avoid bad PR he moved the annual shareholder meeting from the Cornell Hotel De France in San Francisco where a rack of lamb and champagne were on the menu to the coffee table in my Mama's living room, where everybody got a 3 piece meal from Popeye's Chicken and a Pepsi. He said the company has $432.65 in it's bank account which makes it more solvent than %90 of all American corporations. It also has no debt. He conned my Dad into financing the venture. I was about to counter back how none of this stuff should be causing stress in his life. But I never got that far. He started getting sentimental. Talking about he was going to miss the rush before a craft show. All the great people he's worked with over the year's. Seeing the company from it's birth and selling like one necklace in it's first year to the record breaking 2008, where sales were around $500 despite the worst economic down turn in decades. Then he started tearing up, I couldn't bring my self to talk shit to him like I usually would. I just gave him a pat on the shoulder and congratulated him. I asked him what he was going to do with all this free time now. He said was going to do some searching to find out who the "real Carty is" whatever the hell that means.....Anyway this got to thinking about aging. The cat book my Mama has says now that I'm 7 years old, that I'm 44 in cat years. Personally I don't feel a day older than 34. But anyway age does kind of creep up on you. You start to notice the small things. Like, I hate kids just a little more than I did just few months ago. I'm becoming more interested in RV's. I Tivo'ed 60 minutes. I complained that my Mama served me to much food at dinner a couple weeks ago. When I take a whiz it takes just a few seconds longer to start and few seconds longer to stop. When I go to the casino to bet football, I'm becoming more and more drawn to the bingo parlor. I might even go in one day. We'll maybe not. But my point is something you already know. Getting old sucks.

Bono VS. Mama....Part 2

2009-03-16T20:05:00.000-07:00

You might remember back during football season myself and my Mama had a little competition/experiment where we would pick football games against the spread and whoever picked the most winners won. If you don't remember I kicked her ass. I got so far ahead that I stopped posting the results. I did the competition as a kind of experiment that will hopefully make me feel better. You know, I wanted some reassurance that my knowledge of the games actually help me win bets; that I'm not just at the mercy of dumb luck. Well it worked. At least in the short term. But for any good experiment you need to test and re-test to make sure the results are consistent. It's similar to how movie studios keep casting Sandra Bullock and Nicolas Cage in movies. They just really want to make sure that putting either one of them in a movie will guarantee that it will suck. So maybe five years from now they'll be comfortable not doing it. In this test I'm going to pick the NCAA Tournament Games against my Mama. If you don't have at least a little bit of an idea of what the NCAA Tournament(AKA March Madness) is, please click out of my blog now! No really, now! I don't want you reading my blog. Get the hell out of here!....Ok back to the contest. I'm going to use my in depth knowledge of college hoops for my picks. I'm assuming my Mama will use her same method of picking the team from the region where she likes the food more. She is going to have quite the dilemma in the 1st round of the tourney when Cal-Berkley(Bay area) squares off against Maryland. Dim-Sum VS Crab Cakes!! It's going to be tough call for her. But since I've already beat her head to head during football, Carty is also joining us. However, he agreed to make his picks based in what the result would be if the respective teams mascots would get into a conflict with each other. Example, the LSU Tigers are playing the Butler Butler Bulldogs. Clearly if they had a conflict a Tiger would not just beat up a Bulldog, it would probably eat the poor bastard. Hence Carty will pick LSU. There are some ground rules. Like if a human goes goes against and animal, they can't use a weapon in the conflict unless it's implicit in the name of the team that human would be armed. Examples would be the Xavier Muskateers, USC Trojans, Portland State Vikings. An example of an unarmed human team would be the Texas A&M Aggies. Dictionary.com defines an Aggie simply as a student at an Agricultural School. Texas A&M plays the Brigham Young Cougars in the 1st round of the tournament. So a Cougar would surely take some pansy College student. But you could argue that if the student joined the Church of Latter Day saints and tithed faithfully the BYU Cougar could let him off the hook. There are 63 games in the tournament. It starts Thursday. Me and Carty could have our paws full trying to figure this stuff out.

Start Your Engines!!!

2009-02-25T19:44:00.000-08:00

It that time of year again! One week a year I become a Redneck Republican Southerner. This is the week. Why this week? NASCAR is town, that's why! If you can't get excited about watching good'ol boys driving in circles, we'll I reckon you need to move to Scandinavia or something. They have all sorts of festivities going on around town. I'll be at the race on Sunday. I'll be in section 103 row 14. Come by and shake my paw. You can't miss me. I'll be the cat sitting next to a 32oz. Budweiser tallboy with a straw in it and yelling at the drivers things like "put him in the wall!!", "you turn left you idiot, left!!", "Tony Stewart, you have bigger tits than my Mama!". I'm going all out on the Redneck thing too. I'll be wearing the snappy jacket above. I didn't think there were quite enough advertisements on the jacket, so being the enterprising feline that I am, I sold my own add space. It's at the tailor now getting decals added for Kitty Kaviar, IHOP, Glen Lerner & Associates, Albertson's Brand Vodka, Family Christian Bookstores, Cosmic Catnip and the Adult Video Superstore. Also when engaging in conversation with fellow honkies I'll openly question Jeff Gordon's sexuality. Conveniently blame the economy on Obama. Call Democrats socialist for the stimulus/bailing out the banks, but NEVER mention that the auto makers that sponsor all the cars we're watching were also bailed out or the fact we're perfectly OK with those bailouts. Best of all I'm thinking about packing heat....I hope to see you there.

I thought I was dreaming.

2009-02-10T19:56:00.000-08:00

Unfortunately I was was not. I did see the Jonas Brothers "performing" with Stevie Wonder on the Grammys on Sunday night. I was kind of three quarters asleep while it was on and it really didn't register. Then I saw some news about it today. I can't believe it. The Jonas Brothers? I didn't know they were a real band. I thought they were a fictional band drummed up by the Disney Channel. Like Hannah Montana, who was also singing on the Grammys for some reason. I still think they might be fictional, I can't tell. I don't think they were really playing the guitars they were holding. They were strumming but there there was no corresponding sound coming out of the TV. Poor Stevie. He had know idea of the situation he was put in. I'm sure it was no coincidence they picked the blind guy to perform with these dweebs. The chance of a musical legend the stature of Stevie that has the ability see, performing with these jerk offs is zero. It's a cruel trick played by the Grammy people. They should be ashamed.

Speaking of crappy Disney programming, I just found out that High School Musical is set in a high school in Albuquerque. I went out my way to check out a couple scenes on You Tube. That place isn't anything like an Albuquerque high school. Did they do any research at all? If it's was like an ABQ high school the kids would have names like Yvette, Chuey and Ilene. They would also have kids with white surnames as first names mismatched with Hispanic last names, like Carson Jaramillo, McKenna Sanchez, Jordan Altamirano and Duncan Chavez. The tallest player on the basketball team would be 5'9". The student parking lot would be filled with dropped Honda Preludes and Chevy S-10's, with stereo systems that are worth more than the vehicle it self. The school would also be rife with gang violence and a third of the female students would be pregnant. To make the musical numbers authentic you would have to mix in phrases like "I know hah", "que no" and "a la modies". If you don't know what "a la modies" means, I can't really explain, but you can try this. Every time you want to say "wow!", "oh my god!", "holy shit!" or "that's amazing!", try saying "a la modies!!" then you'll figure you what it means. You'll also get weird looks, but you will figure out what it means.

Finally, with February being Black History Month, you see a bunch of tributes to influential African-Americans. They tend to be the same few people, you know. MLK, Jackie Robinson, George Washington Carver, Rosa Parks, Thurgood Marshall, John Shaft, Samuel L. Jackson. All those people are great but we've all heard about their accomplishments over and over. So in honor of Black History Month I'm going to do something a little different. I'm going a list some not so obvious and overplayed things that I'm thankful for, that have been introduced to our world by African-Americans.

-the slam dunk

-cone bread(That's spelled right. White people make corn bread which is similar but not quite the same. Black people make cone bread. Cone bread is better)

-the word "beeeaaaach"

-mixing fried chicken and waffles

-the endzone celebration after touchdowns

-the need for 15 yard penalties for excessive endzone celebrations

-malt liquor

-for inventing the ability to use the word "motherf***er" as a noun, pronoun, superlative and punctuation. You can use it as an entire sentence really.

-creating the comedy that is white people trying to be cool by using black slang words and phrases that are either at least two years out of date or were never really used by the black community at all. Examples.."po-dunk-a-dunk","that's tight","you go girl","gettin jiggy wit it","what up dog" and "da bomb".

-for letting white people keep winning at winter sports. You can include other pussy white boy sports like skateboarding in here too.

-for loving hefty white girls that would otherwise be discarded.

-keeping Cadillac in business(at least for the time being)

-keeping Tommy Hilfiger in business.

-keeping whatever companies make car rims in business.

I'm sure I'm missing a few....Sorry black people you don't get credit for low riders, you stole those from Mexicans.

Happy Super Bowl!!

2009-02-01T13:21:00.000-08:00

It Super Bowl Sunday! The most American Day of the year. A celebration of commercialism, drinking and eating in excess and the most American sport out there. Football!! Sure other Holiday's have these elements, but the cool part about the Super Bowl is that you get to spend it with people you like. Unlike Thanksgiving or Christmas where you are forced to listen to your drunk uncle, A-hole cousin etc. For me it's a bitter sweet day. It signifies the last day of football till Labor Day. Incredibly sad. Also, you all know I was pulling for Obama in the election. But I do disagree with him closing Guantanamo Bay. I think it should be kept open to detain people that don't watch the Super Bowl. I have utter contempt for those that do not at least go through the ritual of at least watching the commercials. I can think of few acts that are more un-American and treasonous than not at least attending a party. Anybody that goes out of there way to not watch it is threat to National security. They need to be locked up.......Super Bowl prediction....Steelers 27 Cardinals 13.

BONO'S BEST OF VEGAS '09

2009-01-07T21:51:00.000-08:00

I'm back with Bono's 4th Annual Best of Vegas Awards. Like the State Fair it gets bigger and better every year. Despite the sad state of our economy I've increased my categories from 37,148 to 40,189. I posted a small sampling below. If you want the whole list it's on sale at Amazon.com or you can download a audio version to your IPOD or MP3 player. It's narrated by Fran Drescher, Gilbert Godfried, Roseanne and the guy from the OxyClean commercials.

BEST PLACE TO STOP TRYING TO REVITALIZE:PLANET HOLLYWOOD CASINO....The place went bankrupt when it was the original Aladden. Then they tore it down built a new Aladden that went Bankrupt. Naturally the people that took it over partnered with Plant Hollywood. A restaurant chain that has filed bankruptcy(twice!)that sells mediocre burgers and charges $12 for it because you can eat it while looking at prop from Rocky V. This beats out Downtown, because I think my advice was taken from last year's list and nobody is trying to revitalize it anymore.

BEST BLOG THAT HAS NOT BEEN UPDATED IN SIX MONTHS:ART JEWELS AND TREASURES BY JEN....Really Mama! Six months? Put something on there, anything!

BEST LOCAL ARTIST:CINDY DEAN.....A repeat winner. I was lucky enough to hang in her entourage this year. It was quite the experience. Crazy really.

NEW CATEGORY! BEST LOCAL ARTIST THAT HAS A BOYFRIEND THAT SOUNDS EXACTLY LIKE RAY ROMANO:CINDY DEAN......He's from Brooklyn, the Bronx or something. I get my accents and NYC boroughs mixed up all the time.

BEST LOCAL ARTIST THAT MADE A LITTLE BIT MORE ART THAN LAST YEAR:JENNIFER GABALDON....Somebody paid money for my Mama's jewelery this past year. She did two craft shows. A %200 increase over 2007.

BEST PLACE TO LAUNDER MONEY:THE CANNERY CASINO.....I can't explain how I know this. You're just going to have to trust me.

BEST PLACE FOR IMMIGRATION TO RAID:CIRCUS CIRCUS.....Have you been to that place? My goodness. I haven't seen that many Mexican's in one place since my last trip to K-Mart. The guy that runs the Indoor Swap Meet here in town thinks there are to many Mexicans there.

BEST PLACE TO OPEN UP AN HORCHATA STAND:THE CIRCUS CIRCUS.....See category above. The place is loaded with Mexican's an not a single Horchata stand in sight. I didn't see anybody selling Churro's either. I was going to keep this under my hat and do it my self. I had financing in place with Washington Mutual, IndyMac and Wachovia. I was taking my time to decide who was offering the best loan terms. During that time WaMu and Indymac went tits up. Wachovia was bought out by Wells Fargo who put a swift end to Wachovia's stated income business loans to domesticated animals program. Another dream crushed.

BEST PLACE TO WITNESS SPOUSAL ABUSE:NASCAR SPRINT CUP RACE @ LV MOTOR SPEEDWAY....I went this past year. After the race in the parking lot, some redneck threatened to murder his wife and had to be held back by his friend when a reared back to take a swing at her. Hard to believe something like this happening at and event that has cases of beer in 12ft stacks every 90ft throughout the concourse of the racetrack. The NASCAR folk are really proud of how they say a prayer before each race though. Jesus must be really proud. The Adventure Dome at Circus Circus came in second.

BEST PLACE TO SEE A FAKE GUN FIGHT:BONNIE SPRINGS......It's a very little Cowboy/Western theme park in Red Rock Canyon just outside of town. When you first walk in a group a struggling actors pretend to have a gunfight. You really need to see it. It's unintentionally really funny.

BEST PLACE TO SEE A REAL GUN FIGHT:THE CORNER OF MLK AND VEGAS DRIVE......I'm relying on other sources on this one. I've never dared to hang around to actually see one. I doubt these ones are as funny as the ones at Bonnie Springs.

BEST PLACE TO CONTRACT HEPATITIS:THE ENDOSCOPY CENTER OF SOUTHERN NEVADA. 40,000 people were put at risk by this place re-using syringes. This just put them ahead of eating a hair from a short order cook at Macayo's(any of them) or getting a lap dance at Foxy Girls on Industrial.

BEST OFF THE STRIP PUBLIC RESTROOM:FLETCHER JONES MERCEDES. It's amazing. The place is darn near gold plated.

BEST PLACE GET FREE STARBUCKS COFFEE:FLETCHER JONES MERCEDES. Repeat winner from last year. It's actually one of the few places you can get Starbucks period.

BEST PLACE TO GET A FREE COPY OF THE USA TODAY:FLETCHER JONES MERCEDES. I often go there get a cup of coffee, a USA Today and go pinch one off in the gold plated restroom. A trifecta of sorts. If you try this yourself, they have a have some lady at a check point at the front gate to ask what you are doing there when you pull in. Just drive right by her. She's to lazy to track you down if you just blow right by.

BEST PLACE TO SEE MY MAMA RIP SOMEBODY A NEW ASSHOLE:FLETCHER JONES MERCEDES. She's there once a week complaining about something. How do you think I know all this crap?

BEST PLACE TO LICK YOUR SELF:BETWEEN YOUR LEGS. Undefeated and still champion. It's never lost in this category.

BEST PLACE TO EAT A HIDEOUSLY OVERPRICED MEAL:JOEL RUBICON AT THE MGM GRAND. It'll cost you around a grand if you order wine with your meal to eat at this joint. I'm sorry nothing is that good. You can get a high end hooker, err I mean escort for cheaper than you can eat at this place. Not that I would know. That's just what people tell me.

BEST PLACE TO GET WOOD:LOWE'S. 2nd place-Cheetah's

BEST PLACE FOR A CAT TO AVOID:CHINATOWN. The Chinese will eat any thing. I tell my cat friends to stay away from there or you'll find yourself hanging in a store front window before you know it. I went down there and ate dim sum with my Mama once. My Chinese is a little choppy but I'm pretty sure the people at the other tables were asking their waitress if I could be prepared medium rare.

BEST BLOG WITH RACIST OVERTONES:BONO'S BLOG. I just beat out Sean Hannity's and Bill O'Reilly's Blogs

That's it for now. Let me know if you want to know any categories not listed here....Bon.

COMING SOON! Bono's Best of Vegas '09

2009-01-07T21:29:00.000-08:00

Yes, I've been working tirelessly putting the finishing touches on my list. Tune back in soon. In the mean time you can read last year's list. With the added bonus of most of the typos and misspelled words fixed. How come nobody told me category is not spelled catagory?

BONO'S BEST OF VEGAS '08

It's that time of year again. Award shows, year end reviews. I love them. So much so I have developed my own. This is the 3rd Annual Bono's Best of Vegas list. Yeah, I know I've only been blogging for about six weeks, but I've been keeping a mental list for three years now. I unveil it to my self in early January every year. No! This is not a rip off of the Las Vegas Review-Journal's Best of Las Vegas. I had the Best of Albuquerque list before I even moved here. Besides the RJ's list really sucks. They are incredibly lazy. For example their best seafood restaurant is Red Lobster. Wow! How long did it take to come up with that one? The best place to get meal under $10 is Applebee's. You have to be kidding me. How many places did they actually sample? If the category was the best place to give you the Hershey squirts, Applebee's might be the winner, but it is certainly not the best place to get a meal under $10. Here is partial list of Bono's Best, my full list is pretty much infinite so if you want know a specific category that is not listed here let me know.

BEST PLACE TO GET A MEAL UNDER $10: CJ'S BAR-B-QUE. It's a new place near Sahara and Jones. You can get a 1/4 pork, brisket or turkey for $4. They give you the bread to make a great sandwich. Hell of allot better than McDonalds or the a fore mentioned Applebee's

BEST PLACE TO GET HAMMERED FOR CHEAP: ELLIS ISLAND CASINO. You can get a beer for like a buck. Try the ribs while you are there. Have your Mace ready while you are walking through the parking lot. This displaced last years winner which was any Martin-Harris construction function. The booze really flows at these things, but they can be difficult to get into. So they are 2nd place this year.

BEST PLACE TO SHOP IN GREEN VALLEY: ANTHROPOLOGY. Did I spell that right? My Mom told me to put that on here.

BEST CRAB CAKE: VIC AND ANTHONY'S AT THE GOLDEN NUGGET. Pricey, but they are worth it.

BEST PLACE TO LICK YOUR SELF: BETWEEN YOUR LEGS. You didn't think I was going to keep this list serious, did you?

BEST LOCAL ARTIST:CINDY DEAN. Her link is this page. Check it out.

BEST PLACE TO GET LEGAL PORN FROM AN ILLEGAL IMMIGRANT:THE CORNER OF FLAMINGO AND LAS VEGAS BLVD. I wonder if the people that hand out those little cards have to interview for the position. Do you take a resume with you?

BEST PLACE TO GET CAT TREATS:THE LUSH PUPPY AT MANDALAY BAY. You wouldn't think a place with the word puppy in it would work for cats but it does. If you go there, tell them you know me and ask for the Kitty Kaviar.

BEST PLACE TO GET FREE STARBUCKS COFFEE: FLETCHER JONES MERCEDES. If your in the area in the AM just park in the regular lot. Go to the service building. They have a mini-Starbucks inside. The fru-fru drinks cost money but the regular coffee is free. They don't know your car is not being serviced. They give me coffee and I'm a freakin cat.

BEST PLACE TO STOP TRYING TO REVITALIZE: DOWNTOWN. The place is just a plain dive. It always will be. Can't we just accept it and move on. It seems to me the people down there are perfectly fine with the dankness and smell of urine. Just leave it alone already.

BEST LOCAL ARTIST THAT DOES NOT MAKE ANY ART: JENNIFER GABALDON.

BEST PLACE TO SPOT CELEBS:I DON'T KNOW. If you actually consciously go somewhere to spot celebs you are a loser.

BEST PLACE TO FART WITHOUT ANYBODY NOTICING:DOWNTOWN. See comments on Best Place to stop trying to revitalize. I bet the RJ's list does not have a farting category.

BEST PLACE TO TAKE KIDS IF YOU ARE A TOURIST:ORLANDO. If you bring kids to Vegas you are jackass. Am I the only one annoyed by people that are pushing strollers on the strip? Who thinks it a good idea to drag their children through a casino full of smoke, drunks and women showing %90 of their racks? I'm not one to be a moralist but even I have my limits.

BEST PLACE TO HIDE FROM VISITORS:UNDER MY MAMA'S BED.

BEST PLACE TO TAKE FRIENDS AND RELATIVES:BACK TO MCCARREN AIRPORT.

That's all for now. I was going to have a reader's choice poll like the RJ does, but this site only has like three readers so it seemed like an exercise in futility. If anybody has their own favorites please share. Until next time. Bon.

Bono's Family's Annual Newsletter

2008-12-24T19:42:00.000-08:00

I'm doing a family newsletter this year. Is that what they are called? You know those things that your more successful relatives mail you every year with their Holiday wishes. They subtly let you know that they have more money that you. Their kids are smarter than yours, they've been to better places than you and have better stuff than you do. I can't stand those things. Nobody can stand those things. Even the people that send them don't like them. They do it to piss you off. Your "loved ones" are actually buying envelopes and stamps to go out of their way to make you fell a little worse about yourself. These letters rank right next to fruit cake in Holiday Traditions that nobody likes but take part in them anyway. If I dislike them so much why am I doing one my self? Being the thoughtful cat that I am I decided to do a letter to make you fell a little better about your self. Consider it my gift you. Here it is....

Merry Christmas everyone!!! Hope you are all are doing we'll. This past year the Gabaldon Family has accomplished pretty much nothing. We may have gone backward actually. Carty still eats too much, he's always late whenever he needs to be somewhere, constantly into mischief and pisses off everyone around him. My Dad is up to his same old antics. You know watching football, eating too much, couldn't pick his nose, much less a winner when he goes to the race track. My Mama still eats too much, she's always late whenever she needs to be somewhere and pisses off everyone around her. Except me. Now what have I been up to? We'll my motivational books are still not published. I had animal control called on me when I tried dropping my manuscripts off at Simon and Schuster. My blog has like two readers. I think. It might be just me now. I still drink and gamble a little too much. Other than that It been a pretty plain year. My Mama went to San Francisco a couple times. But she had to use the cheap skate Fun Fares(if you consider a 4 hour delay fun)from Southwest Airlines because that is all she can afford. Her and my Dad stayed at a musty old hotel the smelled like an old ladies closet and was built circa 1908. She loved it!! She didn't sell a whole lot at any of her craft shows. My Dad did get suckered into running her table at one of the shows. Can you be anymore whipped? My goodness! Just put on a bra and panties, really. We did make it to our vacation home in Albuquerque a couple times. It always nice to get away from the desert. I'm being sarcastic if you can't tell. Oh yea! Remember the Certified Used Mercedes my Mama bought and was so proud of? Well it turns out it was a Certified piece of shit. It been in the shop six times, the paint is now two-tone for some reason nobody can figure out and it's worth about half of what she paid for it. Tell everybody you know not to buy a car from Fletcher Jones Mercedes in Las Vegas. That's about it. I hope that cheers you up for the Holiday's!

I would like to thank every one that sent us cards and or gifts. Last year I complained that my Auntie Shiloh sent us one bite each of fudge. This year she sent us zero bites of fudge each. Shelly or as I call her Bono's Blog reader formerly known as Rochelle, sent us a picture of her and her husband Doug. I was just telling Carty the other day. "Hey, we need a picture of Bono's Blog reader formerly known as Rochelle and Doug". The best gift though were some cookies from my Mama's friend Tracy. Long story but she's convinced that my self and Carty are members of Al-Qaeda. Which is absurd. Because if I was going to be a member of a radical Islamic group it would Hezbollah. Everybody knows that. Anyway keeping this in mind I was thinking the cookies could be a possible assassination attempt. So I tricked my Dad and Carty into eating a couple of the cookies to see if anything happened before I let my self or my Mama get into them. They were clean and very good.

"I deal with 120 degrees in July so I don't have to drive in this crap"

2008-12-21T18:24:00.000-08:00

That's what my Mama said last seek when it snowed here in Vegas. You probably heard. It snowed twice last week here in Las Vegas. Despite growing up around it, my Mama despises snow. I'm not that big on it either. I thought it was pretty cool though. A nice change of pace in a city where the weather is very predictable. My self and Carty got pretty excited about it. We haven't seen snow in years. The last time I went out in the snow, it was an ill-fated attempt to spell my name. It was way too cold to hang around outside so I scrambled back inside. On Wednesday morning when the snow was coming down, me and Carty got real excited to go have a snowball fight. Seemed like a great change of pace from the usual conventional fight that we have just about every AM. It took us about half an hour to dig up our old winter gear. I hate getting my paws wet. Unless it's from my own spit. So I wear baby mittens on my paws. Carty wears one of those ridiculous fur hats that Russian soldiers always wear in the movies. They have the flaps on the side for your ears. Our Grandpa gave it to him. Put one of those hats on a cat, all you need is the top part to cover your ears. The flaps are useless for us. Carty wears the hat anyway. He tried getting on a parka my Mama got for him when we lived in New Mexico and Carty weighed about 5lbs less than now. It didn't fit. He wore it anyway. We stood at the open back door. I looked over to Carty and said "You're going down Sergei". The he looked at me and said "Bring it on Mittons". Then we sprinted to our respective positions. I went behind a bush in our back yard. Carty went behind one of the air conditioning units. We started packing our balls together. Our snowballs that is. I don't have any actual balls. Yet another reminder I've been neutered. Anyway, after about 45 seconds and an exchange of about 3 snowballs thrown at each other, Carty popped his head up and the following conversation happened.

Carty: Hey, hold on a sec.
Me:What do you want?
Carty:I'm freezing my ass off.
Me: Me too.
Carty: Let's go back inside. I Tivoed "Handy Manny". Let's go in and watch it.
Me:Ok......I'll make us some Irish Coffees.
Carty: Nice!

We trott back inside...So that was our snow day.

Can you believe I've been doing this crap for a year?

2008-12-14T18:09:00.000-08:00

Yeah, I've been blogging for a whole year. I can't believe it either. No wonder I can't think of anything write anymore. That's why I'm mailing it in this week and re-posting my 1st blog. The term "mailing it in" doesn't really fit anymore. Nobody uses mail anymore. Maybe texting is the new equivalent to mailing something in. I guess I'm texting in this week's blog...some random things that caught my eye from re-reading it. I'm even more annoyed by American Idol than I was a year ago. John Edwards was still relevant enough to mention and hadn't been caught banging his really ugly hair dresser yet. Really John your going to end your political career for that?...originally posted 12/6/07

It's holiday season. Most years I can't wait for Christmas to get here. December can't move fast enough. The other night that changed. I saw and add for American Idol. I starts again on 1/15. I can't stand this show! Now I hope the month drags on. The butchering of music made by people with actual talent is bad enough, but that's not what I dislike most about the show. What really gets me are fans of the show. Judging by the ratings there are millions of you. I'm convinced there is something in the DNA of you humans which gives all of you the illusion that you can sing. You can't hide from it, it's everywhere. I bet you all know one, it might be the band leader at your church or the friend you get tanked up with at Happy Hour every Friday, but you know at least one person who thinks they can really sing. This show has given them all hope. They should change the name to "American Ahol". This is only fed by the spread of karaoke. My Grandpa owns a dive bar in Albuquerque. It used to be a reputable place. A place where alcoholics would gather and the only entertainment needed was a 16 inch television with some sporting event they no doubt bet whatever money that had left that was not already spent on smokes and booze. Now the place has been contaminated by the poison that is karaoke. Patrons still do all the stuff they did before, but now that also see fit to belt out a full rendition of "Sweet Caroline" for all the public to witness while they do it. It has completely killed the ambiance of the place. As you read this there are drunks across the country with pickled livers singing incoherent versions of classics by Skynard or Otis Redding, all fed by the American Idol craze. Good Help us! But if Paula goes bonkers again this year, somebody tell me right away.

I wanted to quickly touch on politics. For the record I lean left on most issues. I guess you can say I'm a south paw. Get it? Paw!! I have not decided who to vote for yet in the primary. How does a cat vote you ask? I found a precinct in Chicago that lets me vote as an absentee. As many times as I want to. But has anybody caught the size of Hillary's ass lately? It gigantic. I have to believe this is a tactic to gain black/hispanic male voters. Very shrewed. It'll be interesting to see how Obama and Edwards will counter this. Also, I pulled up Clinton inauguration footage on You Tube. Her ass was not nearly as big then. If she had the po-dunka-dunk she has now back on '95-'96, Slick Willie might not have needed to sneak chubby interns into the Oval Office. He would have has what he was looking for right at home. It could have changed the course of history. That's all for now.....Bono out.

It's been an surprising week

2008-12-04T23:11:00.000-08:00

I wanted to post again sooner. However I was a little under the weather earlier this week. Here's a picture.

I don't why my Mama took a picture of me when I was sick. I look terrible. The weather was really good this week so being just a little under it wasn't that bad.....There were three things that really stuck out this past week. First, last Saturday me and my Dad were watching the Oregon State vs. Oregon football game. My Mama came from somewhere and joined us. Suddenly they showed a picture of the fans and they were holding up a big sign that said "Beaver Nation" on it.

With Oregon State's nickname being the beaver's, this came as no surprise to me and my Dad. But to our surprise my Mama got a huge chuckle out of this. Wow!! And here I though I was the only one in the house that enjoyed potty humor. I can't imagine what her reaction would have been if they were playing the South Carolina Gamecocks.....The second surprise was when me and Carty were playing Hide and Seek. A few times a month we play some pretty intense games of hide and seek. I know you guys think that it's a silly kids game. But not for cats, hide and seek is serious business. It would be much funner if Carty were actually good at it. His hiding places are usually not very good. But this one took the cake. He thought he was hiding under the blanket on the side of the bed. But he forgot to hide his tail!! Ridiculous.

I had my Dad snap a picture before I let him know I new where he was hiding.....Finally and most surprising. Really your not going to believe this. I was even contemplating not posting this but I can help my self....My Mama thought that we still went to the moon!! Yes! She thought that the Space Shuttle went to the moon!!! I couldn't believe it either. The Apollo program was shut down in 1972. I have know idea how she didn't know this.

Here are some other things I reminded her of just in case...The Dodgers play in Los Angeles, not Brooklyn. She can't fly TWA this holiday season. The Chevy Nova is no longer in production. She can't shop at Woolworth's this X-mas. M.A.S.H ended roughly 25 years ago and Elvis is dead. I think.

Happy Thanksgiving!

2008-11-25T19:03:00.000-08:00

I'm back! It's been a while. I've been busy working on some other projects....Well Turkey Day is coming up. Myself and my family love Thanksgiving. It's supposed to be a day of giving thanks for the things that we have but, since the holiday is an American holiday it has quickly morphed into a celebration of overeating, naps, football and shopping. Which is fine by me. A holiday for just giving thanks is just plain boring. A holiday with gluttony, drooling and farting on your aunts new sofa while sleeping, betting on football, than spending the next day buying a bunch of crap you don't need makes for a great time. It's also great for family bonding. My Mama, Dad and Carty love overeating. All of us love napping. Me, my Dad and Carty love football, My Mama loves buying crap we don't need. There is something for everybody! I really don't get the shopping thing though. Battling a bunch of strangers for some piece of crap toy that your kid will be ignoring by New Year's day? Why put yourself through this? Women get in fist fights over this stuff? That's the Holiday spirit!

I do love the scenes they show on the news every year of a bunch of women at entrance of Target(or any other store) trampling over each other when the doors open. It looks like the running of the bulls at Pamplona. But in the spirit of the Holiday I'd like to list some things I'm thankful for.....

I'm thankful for....

-my head being able to reach between my legs

-TIVO. Man's greatest accomplishment since the moon landing.

-a fresh made bed

-the temperature in Vegas is about 65 degrees right now

-the Hummer dealership in Vegas is being turned into a Smartcar dealership. A rare silver lining in our horrid economy. Man, are Hummers obnoxious! If you are a male and you drive a Hummer, everybody knows you are trying to compensate for something. Why don't you just wear t-shirt that says you have a really small penis?

-Tony Romo is back from his injury.

-My new scratching post...ohh wait. I don't have new scratching post!!

-cold beer

-being silly

-a fresh can of nip

-Kitty Kaviar, you really have to try this stuff.

-I overcame my addiction to America's Next Top Model.

-I'm now addicted to Real Housewives of Atlanta. Go ahead, laugh.

-most all, my Mama!

Iz nots a complete moron.

2008-11-12T23:02:00.000-08:00

I don't get offended easily. But I've been getting some disturbing e-mails recently. These ridiculous cat picture e-mails. I posted a couple examples. They show photos of cats in different situations with some stupid caption. These are extremely offensive. They make cats look like complete idiots. Who says "can I seeps wif yuo"? What makes you people think we talk like that? What does putting the U before the O accomplish? And what self respecting feline asks for permission to sleep somewhere? Just plop your ass down and go to sleep! It's not even funny. Anybody can add a caption to a picture and be somewhat humorous. It's not hard. I've gotten these e-mails from numerous sources. There is even a book out that has these things. People are really paying money for this crap? Who's started this chain? Joke e-mails have really gotten out of hand. Everybody thinks they have a really original one. But I get the same ones all the time. These things travel like a contagious virus. Is this what you people do at work all day? No wonder the economy is going hell. But if you read my blog at work. By all means keep doing what you're doing.

Myz fwifteen mwiniets is ovwer!

Howz Ize gonna fwind da wheel kwillers fwom Nevwada Stwhate pwison?

I told you it's not hard. I could have posted a thousand of these things. I even passed up the Britney Spears/Lindsey Lohan no panty pictures and Tara Reid's nipple slip. Seemed way too easy.

DECISION '08: BONO'S COMPLETELY BIASED THOUGHTS ON THE ELECTION

2008-11-02T20:48:00.000-08:00

It's just about here. Finally. I can't remember not hearing about campaign news. Of course I have my own personal thoughts, feelings, slant. Whatever you want to call it. If you don't agree that's fine. If you want to raise some counter points to my thoughts feel free. I don't take it personally, like all to many people in this Country do. While it is important, I think people take this stuff a little to personal sometimes. If you have read my blog before you know most of my political leanings are to the left. I'm hoping Obama wins but like most Democrats I was to lazy to actually vote. If you remember from my first ever blog posting I stated I got connected to a precinct in Chicago that lets me (a cat) vote as an absentee as many times as I wanted. They sent me a couple dozen ballots. I kept meaning to fill them out. But I ended up using most of them as drink coasters. Carty actually sent about a half a dozen in with Sarah Palin as a write in vote. He wants just her to be President. He doesn't want her on the ticket with McCain. Carty doesn't really care about politics, but with Palin being a hockey Mom that does shout outs, he's completely smitten. Now, I'd like to explain the reasoning for my rooting interest. Despite being a registered Democrat I do fall on the right on a few issues. I'm an Evangelical Christian, not big on abortion, annoyed by women with arm pit hair. I don't give a rats ass about the environment. This is an easy stance for a cat. We don't live very long. What do I care what the planet will look like 50 years from now? I've never done it but I can totally see how firing a high power assault rifle could be a great time. Especially after drinking eighteen Natural Light's in the back of a pickup with a Confederate flag hanging in the back window. Also, I'm not that high on Obama. I admit the guy might be more sizzle than steak. With that said you're probably asking why are you voting Democrat? I have two major reasons. 1. A few years back John McCain tried ban gambling on collage sports here in Vegas. This is simply unforgivable. This goes against every fiber of my being. This anti-gambling stance in common among the religious right. It completely hypocritical also. They call gamblers sinners. But people are now being fleeced of money they "invested" in the stock market or real estate. If you buy stock or by a house there are no guarantees the you will get a damn thing back. You are putting up money with the hope, but no guarantee you will get a higher return in the future. This by definition is gambling. Gambling may well be a sin, but if you contribute to a 401k or bought a house with the hope of selling it for a profit at a later date, you can spare me the lecture on how I'm a sinner for betting $25 on a football game. Reason 2. I've seen Republicans govern. Born in 2002 that's all I've been subjected to. If they were as good at governing as they are at winning elections it would be great. I suppose the Democrats can be worse. But, being the gambler that I am. I'll take my chances. This brings me to another thought. The same people that told be to vote for Bush in '04 are telling be to vote for McCain now. And for all the same reasons. If you are trying to convince people to vote for McCain, It would be a good idea to make it clear that you realize the Bush Presidency has been a grease fire. We would at least like to know that we are dealing with a rational person. Then you can start explaining how McCain will be different. The McCain/Palin ticket would be doing better if they has changed their campaign slogan from "Country First" to "McCain/Palin:We'll do all the shit a good Republican President is supposed to do". If you don't think that the G.W.B. regime has been a mess ponder this. If somebody in November 2001 told you that in November 2008 it was quite possible the President elect would be an African-American with the middle name of Hussein and his last name was one letter off from being Osama. What would you have said? Yes, the phrase "Get the f@#K outta here" came to my mind also....Here are few other random thoughts that I have regarding the election.

-My Dad has a better education than Sarah Palin(she has a journalism degree from the vaunted academic powerhouse of the University of Idaho). My Dad grew up in New Mexico. You can see Mexico from New Mexico. Most Republicans believe that Mexicans pose a bigger threat to America than Russians. He's been keeping an eye on them Mexicans. So my Dad has more foreign policy experience than Palin. My Dad is Mexican. But don't worry I've been keeping an eye on him too.

-I can admit it. Relatively speaking. Barack Obama has not really accomplished a whole lot.

-Obama did graduate magna cum-laude from Harvard. Which is still more of an accomplishment than anything Sarah Palin has done. Being a popular Governor in a homogeneous State is not much of an accomplishment.

-Joe Biden might be the most boring person in America.

-I've seen numerous sources claiming that Obama is the anti-Christ to convince people to not vote for him. From my limited knowledge on the subject that I've gotten from reading the Bible, the "Left Behind" books and about ten minuets of research on the Internet most expert opinions fall into two categories. 1-For some reason a bunch of religious people(non-Catholics) think that the Pope is the anti-Christ. Not just the current Pope, but everyone that has came along. 2-The most common opinion is that the anti-Christ will be a relatively young politician, that will quickly rise to power, will have the adulation of the World but in the end will be very deceptive. Somebody nobody would suspect. On this surface Obama seems like an obvious fit. He may be. But I have my doubts. There are a couple missing pieces. First, every Evangelical south of the Mason-Dixon line thinks he's the anti-Christ. So the surprise element in gone. Also, he does not have the adulation of the world. Actually, he barely had the majority of support with his own party. And win or lose, he will struggle to get %50 of the popular vote. If he starts doing things that gets the adulation of the World maybe we should start worrying. Finally. Doesn't Sarah Palin fit the same criteria Obama does? I became suspicious after her big shopping spree in NY. The Devil just might be wearing Prada... If you believe that the Book of Revelation is God's will. Is not voting for Obama going to stop it from happening? Am I missing a chapter in my Bible that tells us how to prevent all the bad stuff in Revelations?

-As nod to my Republican friends I'll end with a quote from John McCain that I found interesting and humorous. It was directed to his Congressional opponent that accused him of Carpetbagging when he first ran for congress in 1982.

"Listen, pal. I spent 22 years in the Navy. My father was in the Navy. My grandfather was in the Navy. We in the military service tend to move a lot. We have to live in all parts of the country, all parts of the world. I wish I could have had the luxury, like you, of growing up and living and spending my entire life in a nice place like the First District of Arizona, but I was doing other things. As a matter of fact, when I think about it now, the place I lived longest in my life was Hanoi."

Poker Anyone?

2008-10-30T20:48:00.000-07:00

This past Saturday night Myself and Carty hosted our "5th annual Feline Only No-Limit Texas Hold'em Poker Tournament to Benefit Under Privileged Cats". Long title, I know. But can you think of a better one? Once a year we have a big poker tournament for the area cats. Half the entry fees to go to underprivileged cats. Yes, once a year I'm capable of not being a self centered A-Hole. Some pictures are posted below. The tournament was once again a big success. Even better than most years. On top of the money we raised only two cats had to be escorted out of the building for lewd or dangerous behavior and no tables were flipped over out of frustration. A first for our tournament. Last year Flaco(our nip dealer) was arrested. He claims he wasn't arrested, but instead the police had him placed in "protective custody" because he was "a danger to himself and others" and he was not actually charged with anything. He was released the next morning. I attribute the improved behavior due to us having a cash bar rather than an open bar this year. Cats as people, tend to drink less if they actually have pay for it. On the downside, LV Mayor Oscar Goodman as been MC for the tournament in previous years. He was committed again this year, but when he found out that there was not an open bar this year, suddenly "something came up". Oh, well...I like poker. Not as much a much as betting on sports or horses. But it makes for a great time to spend with friends and family. And only friends and family. I say that because if you go to a casino and play with a bunch of strangers, chances are you'll be sitting at table with nine of the most hideous, vile people you'll ever meet. A few year's ago poker experienced a huge boom in this Country. It's since fizzled considerably. Mostly because rational individuals such as Myself refuse to sit with these idiots. A few years back there were enough people into poker to where your might run in to a few normal human beings. Not anymore. They've all been run off. I would rather play poker with inmates in the rec room at the Clark County jail than at the poker room at the Bellagio. I would feel safer and the conversation would be more intelligent.

Enjoying some nip at the table

Enjoying more nip at the table

Carty contemplating a big call before the river card

P.S. Happy Halloween! I guess....Me and Carty are going to a friends party. I stated before I hate costumes. I'm dressing up a cat that hates costumes. Carty is going as "Joe the Plumber".

PICKS OF THE WEEK.....LAST WEEK(2-3)...SEASON(21-19-2)

MISSOURI -20.5 AT BAYLOR
BOISE ST -20.5 AT NEW MEXICO ST.
BILLS -5.5 VS JETS
STEELERS +2 AT REDSKINS
BRONCOS -3.5 VS MIAMI

BONO VS. MAMA....BONO-LAST WEEK(5-7-2) SEASON(55-55-5)..MAMA-LAST WEEK(5-7-2) SEASON(51-59-5)

TEXANS +5 AT VIKINGS......B-VIKINGS.....M-TEXANS
JAGUARS -7.5 AT BENGALS.....B-JAGS.....M-JAGS
BUCS -8 AT CHIEFS......B-CHIEFS.....M-BUCS
RAVENS +2 AT BROWNS.....B-RAVENS.....M-RAVENS
JETS +5.5 AT BILLS.....B-BILLS....M-JETS
CARDINALS -3 AT RAMS.....B-RAMS.....M-CARDS
LIONS +12.5 AT BEARS.....B-BEARS....M-BEARS
PACKERS +5 AT TITANS.....B-PACKERS....M-TITANS
DOLPHINS +3.5 AT BRONCOS....B-BRONCOS.....M-DOLPHINS
FALCONS +3 AT RAIDERS.....B-RAIDERS....M-FALCONS
COWBOYS +7.5 AT GIANTS....B-GIANTS....M-GIANTS
EAGLES -7 AT SEAHAWKS.....B-EAGLES....M-SEAHAWKS
PATRIOTS +5 AT COLTS......B-COLTS....M-PATS
STEELERS +2 AT REDSKINS....B-STEELERS....M-SKINS

I thought going to the vet was bad.

2008-10-24T18:45:00.000-07:00

My Mama had to go to UMC Quick Care this week. When I say "quick" and "care", I say it holding sarcastic air quotations because the place really doesn't provide care nor is it done quickly. Due to confidentiality I can't tell you why she had to go. I was lucky enough to not have...ok you talked me into it. She had some scare tissue removed from her leg a couple weeks ago(from a Dr. she won't be going back to) and the suture holes from the procedure started to get infected. She went to get some antibiotics before it got worse. I was lucky enough to not have to go with her. But a couple years back my Dad had a horrid cough that wouldn't go away. So he gritted his teeth and went to UMC Quick Care. My Mama suggested I go with him to keep him company. Being my curious self I went. Big mistake. Really big mistake. It was one of the worst experiences of my life. Since then I refer to UMC Quick Care as GFHH Slow Torture. The GFHH refers to God Forsaken Hell Hole. I would much rather go to my Vet than one of these "medical" facilities you humans subject your self too. Most cities have similar institutions. In Albuquerque most refer to it as an "Urgent" Care Facility. Given that it's not so urgent that 4 hour wait will kill you. I guess their supposed to be a hybrid between a normal Dr's office and emergency room. Anyway, when I went with my Dad, we walked in and the place was packed with people. There were not even enough seats in the waiting room. People had to stand and seats got filled as soon as people got called to see the Dr. It was a horrible scene. It was like the DMV, but the people were sick and more weird. Not to mention crying babies and screaming children. Within the first 30 seconds we were in there I looked up to my Dad and said "we need to get the f@#k out of here". He said "no, I can't take this cough any longer, I need medicine"! What a pussy. So we had to sign in at clip board thay have hanging on the wall with a germ infested pen attached to it. I can't imagine how filthy that pen is. Everyone in the facility has touched that thing. We waited for 1/2 hour before we even got to sit down! I had to sit on his lap while he was hacking up a lung the whole time. While you wait they do have a 1968 model 12 inch Panasonic television(the TV is older than the building!)and year old magazines that have been held, coughed on and sneezed on by every sick person that has come thorough the door in the last 12mos to keep you entertained. Yeah, like I'm going to read that. Fifty minuets in we get called up to the front desk to fill out paper work. My Dad is presented with yet another bacteria covered pen. The lady tells us to go back to our seat and wait to be called back. Our seat has been taken. Were standing up again. 1 hour later were called back. We sit in another little room for 15 minuets. Then a nurse comes in and takes his blood pressure, temperature and weighs him. During all this my Dad is constantly coughing. When the nurse is done weighing him she asked him what's wrong? After answering a couple more stupid questions were sent back to waiting room. No seats again. We finally get a seat. Then have to listen to some blabber mouth old lady, that thinks everyone is interested in her stories about her grand children. Sorry if I'm not as excited as you are about how your little Amber doesn't shit here pants anymore grand-ma, it is quite an accomplishment. But please, shut the hell up! 1 hour later were finally called back again. We wait 5 minutes in the little observation room. A nurse comes in with my Dad's charts and reads back the answers to the stupid questions asked by the previous nurse. Then says the doctor will be in shortly. The room has more crusty year old magazines. I choose to snoop around in all the little drawers and cabinets instead. 10 minutes later the Dr. finally comes in. He says some crap about how he has a virus and antibiotics won't help. That he's just going to have to wait to just get over the cough. We both explain he's had the cough for two weeks and given the overall experience of the day, if we don't walk out with a prescription for some drugs, he(the Dr.) may not be walking out of the building at all. He reluctantly gives us a prescription for antibiotics. Telling us it won't help. We go to the check out window. We're presented with yet another toxic pen. Finally were going home! My Dad takes his 1st round of antibiotics as soon as we get home. Less than 30 hours later his cough is completely gone.

FOOTBALL PICKS OF THE WEEK...LAST WEEK(3-2) SEASON(19-16-2)

OKLAHOMA -19.5 AT KANSAS ST.
BYU -23.5 VS UNLV
MISSOURI -22 VS COLORADO
OHIO ST +2 VS PENN ST.
PANTHERS -4.5 VS CARDINALS

BONO VS MAMA.....BONO LAST WK(5-8-1) SEASON(50-48-3) MAMA LAST WK(5-8-1) SEASON(46-52-3)

RAIDERS +7 AT RAVENS.....B-RAVENS......M-RAVENS
CHARGERS -3.5 AT SAINTS....B-CHARGERS....M-CHARGERS
CHEIFS +3 AT JETS.....B-JETS.....M-JETS
BILLS -1.5 AT MIAMI.....B-MIAMI....M-BILLS
BUCS +2.5 AT COWBOYS......B-BUCS.....M-BUCS
FALCONS +9 AT EAGLES......B-EAGLES.....M-EAGLES
RAMS +7 AT PATRIOTS.......B-PATRIOTS....M-PATRIOTS
CARDINALS +4.5 AT PANTHERS.....B-PANTHERS....M-CARDINALS
REDSKINS -8 AT LIONS......B-SKINS.....M-SKINS
BROWNS +7 AT JAGUARS.......B-JAGS.....M-JAGS
BENGALS +10 AT TEXANS.....B-BENGALS....M-BENGALS
GIANTS +2.5 AT STEELERS.....B-STEELERS....M-GIANTS
SEAHAWKS +5 AT 49ERS.......B-49ERS.....M-49ERS
COLTS +4 AT TITANS......B-TITANS.....M-TITANS

We've been duped! Again!

2008-10-16T19:10:00.001-07:00

Have you noticed everybody is really happy that gas is ONLY $3.15 per gallon? I have. The oil companies suckered us again. It wasn't long ago when you thought $2 for gallon was a rip off. Look at us now. Thinking $3.15 is great deal. $3.15 is the national average now for a gallon of regular. My Mama uses premium. No way she can put regular in her beloved Mercedes. Oooohhh, a Mercedes. Those of you that know her probably think that she thinks she's big shit because she has a Benz. Don't worry I keep her ego in place here at home. I constantly remind her that it's a used C-Class. It's a starter Mercedes. Which is for people that are not rich but want people to think they have a more money than they really do. It's working out really well for her. We'll back to my rant. Back in June when the price of a barrel of oil peaked at $138 the average price per gallon topped out at $4.12 per gallon. Now the price per barrel of crude is $78. A %43 drop in price. At the same time the price per gallon only dropped from $4.12 to $3.15. That's only a %23 drop? What's the deal? If the price per gallon dropped at the same rate gas should be $2.35 a gallon now. I sure there are some complex economic factors involving price elasticity etc. that contribute to the difference but %20? This is particularly disturbing to me because I fell like I've been trained. The oil companies spike the price then bring it down just a little to make me feel like I'm getting a deal when I'm really not, but I don't really realize it because they bunch me in with every other idiot consumer. Being trained to do something is a sin for a cat. We take great pride in the fact you can't train a feline to do jack shit. We're proud to be unlike some idiot dog that will roll over or fetch something to get a treat. If you consider petrified pig asshole to be a treat. Have you seen what pet treats are made out of? I bring all this up because I went with my Dad to Costco to put gas in my Mama's car. He's trained by her to go put gas. I ride along just get out of the house. And I like Costco. Anyway, gas is usually about $.05 to $.07 per gallon cheaper there. What's funny about this is that there is usually a line and people will sit in their cars, running at idol with their AC's on to save few cents a gallon. Never realizing that any savings is being more that burned off while they sit pick their nose. This brings me to another topic. Energy independence. This seems to be a big deal now. Everybody wants this because of the National security implications. I see one flaw in it though. Let's say we are able to drill for enough oil just for our own use. Does this mean Exxon and all the other American oil are going to stop drilling/purchasing foreign oil to sell to the rest of the World? Will this really lower prices for us, when the price per barrel is tied to global demand? Does energy independence mean we stop all the other bullshit in the Middle East that pisses off the Muslim's to the point they want to kill us? Will we still have a Military base in Saudi Arabia? A big reason(not the only one)they want to kill us is because they see us as a Christians up in there Muslim business. Will this end with "energy independence"? I haven't got that answer from any politician. I'm not sure anybody has asked. Further, I've done some reading on this topic. It seems there are some pretty simple things we could all do help get us to this goal of energy independence. All of which will get us there faster and cheaper than just drilling. Things like having our tires inflated properly to maximize gas mileage. Not going through the drive thru. Get down and go inside to order your Big Mac. Allow the Government to limit horse power on vehicles to make them more fuel efficient. I like fast cars as much as anybody but do we really need to go zero to sixty in fill in the blank number of seconds on the way to work in the morning? Or any other time for that matter. We always talk about the large sacrifice our military makes to protect us. I think these would be some pretty small sacrifices on our part to make theirs a little smaller...............Here are the football picks.

Picks of the week. Last Week(as disaster)(1-4) Season(16-14-2)

GEORGIA -15 VS VANDERBILT
OKLAHOMA ST. -16.5 VS BAYLOR
BILLS +1 VS CHARGERS
STEELERS -9.5 AT BENGALS
VIKINGS +3 AT BEARS

BONO....LAST WEEK(5-8) SEASON(45-40-2)...MAMA..LAST WEEK(6-7) SEASON(41-44-2)

TITANS -7 AT CHIEFS.....B-CHIEFS.....M-CHIEFS
CHARGERS -1 AT BILLS.....B-BILLS....M-CHARGERS
STEELERS -9.5 AT BENGALS....B-STEELERS......M-BENGALS
RAVENS +3 AT DOLPHINS.....B-DOLPHINS......M-DOLPHINS
COWBOYS -7 AT RAMS......B-COWBOYS....M-RAMS
VIKINGS +3 AT BEARS.....B-VIKINGS....M-BEARS
SAINTS +3 AT PANTHERS.....B-PANTHERS.....M-PANTHERS
49ERS +12 AT GIANTS......B-GIANTS.....M-49ERS
LIONS +8.5 AT TEXANS.....B-TEXANS....M-TEXANS
JETS -3 AT RAIDERS.....B-JETS.....M-RAIDERS
BROWNS +8.5 AT REDSKINS....B-SKINS....M-SKINS
COLTS -1 AT PACKERS.....B-COLTS....M-COLTS
SEAHAWKS +10.5 AT BUCCANNEERS......B-BUCS.....M-SEAHAWKS
BRONCOS +3 AT PATRIOTS....B-PATRIOTS.....M-PATRIOTS

Top 5 reasons this time of year rules

2008-10-09T20:08:00.000-07:00

Back in the beginning of July I had a list of why that time of year sucked. We're finally in my favorite time of year, so I thought I should do a list of why this time of year totally rules. Actually only two of the reasons are mine. But a list of two seemed silly so I tapped into my family for the other three. Yes, It does seem silly to say that this time of year rules when the Country is going bankrupt, but that doesn't happen every October. Also, we have know idea of what the world is going to look like next October so I'm trying to enjoy this one as much as possible.

1. The weather cools and the leaves turn.....We'll most places cool. It's still in the 90's here in Vegas. But it should be down in the the 70's-80's anytime now. I hope. Also I love when the leaves turn. It's beautiful. The color is breath taking. At least from the pictures I've seen. We don't have leaves here either. Everything is brown year round. Now that I type this I might only have one reason why this time of year rules. It's almost mid-October and it's still hot and brown.

2. It the best time of year for sports. The baseball playoffs are now under way. Football is in full swing. Have I mentioned that I like football before? The NBA and collage basketball start at the end of the month. It's unbelievable! It' hard to even keep up. This past Sunday football, baseball playoffs and NASCAR were on all at the same time. I needed a second pair of eyes. The NASCAR race was great. There two twelve car pile up's! Where else are you going to see that without being in the freakin thing? The baseball playoffs started last week. There was a game almost every night. My Dodgers beat the Cubs in the 1st round. Can't brag to much about that. For those of you that don't follow baseball they haven't won the World Series since 1908. Best of all, the games are a great excuse to drink beer on a regular Tuesday evening.

3. On Halloween free chocolate is given out. This is my Mom's reason for this time of year ruling. Personally I think it sucks. A bunch of little punks keep ringing the doorbell all night. It scares the living shit out of me. I have to spend the whole night under the bed. This is a really stupid holiday. If you could call it a holiday. I don't get you humans at times. Going door to door to get a bunch of junk food? No wonder all of you have diabetes. I can see kids getting into this, but please. Once you have pubic hair please stay off my porch. Go buy your own candy. Also, what's with the haunted houses? You actually pay to go into places to be pretend scared? Doesn't life scare you enough as it is? You pay to get more scared because there just isn't enough out there to keep you adequately fearful? You guy's are idiots.

4. Hockey season starts. This is Carty's reason. He loves Hockey. I don't know why. He says it's because his a Maine-coon breed of cat. Genetically we're built for cold weather. Above is a picture of him with his favorite hockey ball. We can't have pucks. No frozen ponds here in Vegas. This is what him and some of his buddies use on my Mama's kitchen floor to play hockey. He bats it around pretending to be Alex Ovechkin. I don't know who that is either but he's Carty's favorite player. The only hockey players I know are the ones that have nailed Anna Kornikova.

5. Normally conservative women use Halloween as a reason to dress trashy.(See examples below) This is my Dad's reason. It is true though. What's the deal with that? I was trotting around on the strip one time during Halloween. I thought I was in a giant brothel. Women walking around with their boobs up to their chin wearing a leather devil costume? I don't get the costume thing either. My Mama brought up the idea of me wearing a consume once. And only once.

PUUURRRRFECT!

IT'S POST TIME!!

PS. Did you notice I resisted making a Sarah Palin joke when I talked about hockey?

Here are the football picks

PICKS OF THE WEEK..LAST WEEK(2-1-2)...SEASON(15-10-2)

GEORGIA(-13) VS TENNESSEE
BYU(-23.5) VS NEW MEXICO
TEXAS TECH(-21) VS NEBRASKA
RAVENS AT COLTS(POINTS TOTAL UNDER 39)
GIANTS(-8) AT BROWNS

BONO....LAST WEEK(8-4-2)SEASON(40-32-2) MAMA....LAST WEEK(8-4-2)..SEASON(35-37-2)

RAIDERS(+7.5) AT SAINTS......B-SAINTS.....M-SAINTS
RAVENS(+4.5) AT COLTS.......B-COLTS.....M-RAVENS
BENGALS(+6) AT JETS......B-JETS....M-JETS
PANTHERS(+2) AT BUCCANEERS.....B-PANTHERS....M-PANTHERS
LIONS(-13.5) AT VIKINGS.....B-VIKINGS....M-VIKINGS
BEARS(-2.5) AT FALCONS.....B-FALCONS.....M-FALCONS
DOLPHINS(+3) AT TEXANS.....B-TEXANS....M-DOLPHINS
RAMS(+14) AT REDSKINS.....B-SKINS....B-SKINS
JAGUARS(+3.5) AT BRONCOS.....B-BRONCOS.....M-JAGS
EAGLES(-5.5) AT 49ERS......B-49ERS....M-49ERS
COWBOYS(-5.5) AT CARDINALS....B-COWBOYS....M-CARDINALS
PACKERS(+3) AT SEAHAWKS.....B-PACKERS.....M-SEAHAWKS
PATRIOTS(+6) AT CHARGERS....B-CHARGERS....M-CHARGERS
GIANTS(-6) AT BROWNS.......B-GIANTS....M-GIANTS

Palin's "shout out" during debate wins undecided Carty's vote.

2008-10-02T20:51:00.000-07:00

That's right. My brother is huge fan of the shout out. I was napping during the debate. Then Carty came running into the room yelling "Brother, wake up! Palin just did a shout out!". I had to rewind the Tivo. Yup. She did a shout out. That has to be a first in a Vice Presidential debate or any type of National debate. And it wasn't even that black guy that did it! On one of my first few blogs(It's on my Mama's blog 12/13/07) Carty requested that I do a shout out to for him on my new blog. I said that the only people that still executed shout outs are FM hip-hop DJ's. I guess I was wrong. Carty's not very political. He makes choices on these types of things. He said he's not voting for Dina Titus(running for Congress here in Nevada) because she has "jacked up teeth". My Mama does the same thing. She didn't like John Kerry in '04 because his face was shaped funny. These are your undecided voters. And we wonder why we end up with the leaders we get.......Here are the football picks.

Picks of the week. Last Week (2-2) Season(13-9)

BYU(-28.5) @ UTAH ST.
GEORGIA TECH(-18.5) @ DUKE
TEXAS TECH(-7) @ KANSAS STATE
BRONCOS(-3) VS TAMPA BAY
TITANS(-3) VS RAVENS

BONO-LAST WEEK(9-4) SEASON(32-28) MAMA-LAST WEEK(7-6) SEASON(27-33)

COLTS(-3) AT TEXANS......B-TEXANS......M-TEXANS
TITANS(+3) AT RAVENS.....B-TITANS....M-RAVENS
CHARGERS(-7) AT DOLPHINS....B-DOLPHINS.....M-CHARGERS
CHIEFS(+9.5) AT PANTHERS.....B-PANTHERS......M-PANTHERS
REDSKINS(+6) AT EAGLES.......B-SKINS.....M-SKINS
BEARS(-3.5) AT LIONS......B-LIONS.....M-BEARS
FALCONS(+5) AT PACKERS.......B-PACKERS....M-FALCONS
SEAHAWKS(+7) AT GIANTS.......B-GIANTS....M-GIANTS
BUCCANEERS(+3) AT BRONCOS......B-BRONCOS.....M-BUCS
PATRIOTS(-3) AT 49ERS........B-PATS.....M-49ERS
BILLS(PICK) AT CARDINALS.......B-CARDS.....M-CARDS
BENGALS(+16.5) AT COWBOYS.......B-BENGALS....M-COWBOYS
STEELERS(+4) AT JAGUARS......B-JAGS......M-JAGS
VIKINGS(-3) AT SAINTS.......B-VIKINGS....M-VIKINGS

I'm an idiot

2008-09-25T20:00:00.000-07:00

The other night my Mama asked me if I would go see I would go see "Nights in Rodanthe" with her. Being my always thoughtful and courteous self, I said sure. I somehow missed all the trailers on TV. I had no idea what the movie is about. I thought it was called "Knights in Rodanthe". I assumed it was some historical piece about knights in England or something. A movie along the lines of "Braveheart". Boy was I wrong. I really need to start researching this stuff. The movie is a total chick flick. Richard Gere is in it. Oh goodness. What did I get my self into? I looked up the trailer on You Tube (check it if you in the mood for boredom. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VJ6pKLRZaGk) it does not seem to leave much in terms of suspense. It's about an inn keeper(Diane Lane). A guest comes along(Richard). They're both lonely for some reason(I guess that's the suspense)and they hook up with each other. Yawn. I never go back on a promise though, so I'll go through with it. I might get bailed out though. My Mama and Cindy are going to watch some other girl movie and they said they might go watch "Rodanthe" afterward. A cat can hope. Speaking of movies, I saw a commercial for the unfortunately named "Zack and Miri make a porno". Movie executives need to give a little more thought to these titles. I felt creepy just typing the title. No way I'm going to holler out the title to the 15year old girl working the ticket booth. I think mentioning porno to a girl that young might be a crime. I guess I could just by a ticket for a different movie and go into this one. But what if the title attracts your usual porno crowd. No way I'm chancing watching a movie in a theater full of guys wearing sweatpants and trench coats. Yuck. I think I'll have to wait till this is on pay-per view if I watch it at all. One more entertainment related note. The final season of ER starts tonight. I haven't watched this show in years. I stopped when the employees of the hospital started dying more frequently than the patients and Dr. Kovac banged all the female characters and was starting to make his second go around with them. You think OSHA would do some investigation into that hospital. They had shootings, stabbings, helicopters crashing at the entrance. Ridiculous. How is this show still on? My Mama has a huge crush on John Romain-Stamos(I know it just Stamos and he's not married to her any more but I just think it's funny to say it that way). Even the addition of him to the show couldn't get my Mama watch again.........Here's my football picks of the week.

Last Week(3-2) Season(11-7)

CALIFORNIA(-26)VS COLORADO ST
OKLAHOMA(-18) VS TEXAS CHRISTIAN
NEW MEXICO ST(+3) VS NEW MEXICO
CHARGERS(-7.5) AT OAKLAND

BONO VS MAMA PICKS....BONO LAST WEEK(6-10) SEASON(23-24) MAMA (5-11)(20-27)

BRONCOS(-9.5) AT CHIEFS.....B-BRONCOS.....M-CHIEFS
BROWNS(+3.5) AT BENGALS....B-BENGALS....M-BENGALS
TEXANS(+7) AT JAGUARS.....B-JAGS.....M-JAGS
CARDINALS(+1) AT JETS.....B-JETS.....M-JETS
49ERS(+4.5) AT SAINTS.....B-SAINTS...M-49ERS
FALCONS(+7) AT PANTHERS.....B-PANTHERS....M-PANTHERS
VIKINGS(+3) AT TITANS.....B-TITANS....M-VIKINGS
PACKERS(+1) AT BUCCANEERS....B-BUCS....M-PACKERS
BILLS(-8) AT RAMS.......B-BILLS.....M-RAMS
CHARGERS(-7.5) AT RAIDERS.....B-CHARGERS....M-CHARGERS
REDSKINS(-11) AT COWBOYS......B-SKINS.....M-SKINS
EAGLES(+3) AT BEARS.....B-BEARS....M-BEARS
RAVENS(+5.5) AT STEELERS....B-STEELERS....M-RAVENS

BONO LOSES HIS ASS PLAYING THE PONIES; FED TO BAIL HIM OUT.

2008-09-19T19:48:00.000-07:00

Of course this really didn't happen. I would be cool if it could though. You know. Be like a major financial organization. Did you hear the news today? The government is just going to bail all of them out at once by taking all the crappy loans they have now, instead of waiting for them to fold one by one overtime. It's only going to cost a trillion dollars or so. Trillion really is a number. It's not some crazy exaggeration. Guess who gets to pay it? Yes, all of us. I tried to figure out how much per-person/cat. But a trillion doesn't fit on my calculator. I guess this plan is better than the alternative which would be the Great Depression part two. We would have a bunch of pictures of long lines at soup kitchens of men wearing fedora hats. When did that fad end? Every picture I see from the Great Depression the men have fedoras on. Besides Tom Landry and pimps nobody kept wearing them. Weird. We still might have the Great Depression part two, but this might delay it for a while. All this crap was pretty much started with greed. By pretty much everybody. It must be sweet to be or have been a CEO of one of these companies. Run a company into the ground with little or no consequences. Sure, they might feel bad for losing investors money or getting all the employees laid off. But have you heard of any of them returning the gigantic bonuses(as high as nine figures!) they got from the years that they were booking all these shitty loans? Me neither. Speaking of shitty loans. All the companies were handing out cash to pretty much anyone. With crazy terms, like negative amortization, interest only and worst of all stated income. You just told them what you make without proving it and they would give you a loan. Huh? Who would have thought that level of somebody's income might have something to do with there ability to pay back a loan? Were all these guys hung over the day they taught that at business school? Consumers are at fault also. They knew they were getting into loans they couldn't afford. They all thought they were Donald Trump and were going make a fortune in real estate and sell their house for a profit before the payment spiked. Didn't workout. A bunch of them complain that they didn't understand the terms of their loans. Cry me river. If your stupid enough to borrow $300k without knowing the terms you deserve to lose your house. Here's an idea. If you don't know the terms of your loan. Ask somebody that does! And not the guy selling it to you dipshit! On top of all this, now hardly anybody can get a loan. Flaco won't sell you nip on credit anymore; unless you get him a current pay stub and your previous year's taxes. You also have to sign a form 4506-T so he can verify that you actually filed your taxes with the IRS. It's crazy! I know I sound kind of preachy. I learned all this from my Mama. Blame her..............Here a my football picks of the week.

Last week(3-2) Season(8-5)

BYU(-28) VS. WYOMING
GEORGIA TECH(-7.5) VS MISSISSIPPI ST.
PANTHERS(+3.5) @ VIKINGS
BRONCOS(-5) VS. SAINTS
JAGUARS(+5.5) @ COLTS

BONO VS MAMA PICKS
LAST WEEK BONO(8-7) MAMA(6-8) SEASON BONO(17-14) MAMA(15-16)

CHIEFS(+4.5) @ FALCONS........B-FALCONS....M-FALCONS
RAIDERS(+9) @ BILLS.....B-BILLS.....M-BILLS
TEXANS(+5) @ TITANS.....B-TEXANS.....M-TITANS
BENGALS(+13) @ GIANTS.....B-GIANTS.....M-GIANTS
CARDINALS(+3) @ REDSKINS....B-SKINS.....M-CARDINALS
DOLPHINS(+12.5) @ PATRIOTS.....B-PATRIOTS....M....PATRIOTS
BUCCANEERS(+3) @ BEARS.....B-BUCS....M-BEARS
PANTHERS(+3.5) @ VIKINGS....B-PANTHERS...M-PANTHERS
RAMS(+10) @ SEAHAWKS.....B-SEAHAWKS....M-SEAHAWKS
LIONS(+4) @ 49ERS......B-LIONS....M-49ERS
SAINTS(+5) @ BRONCOS....B-BRONCOS.....M-BRONCOS
STEELERS(+3) @ EAGLES.....B-STEELERS.....M-STEELERS
JAGUARS(+5.5) @ COLTS....B-JAGS....M-JAGS
BROWNS(+1.5) @ RAVENS....B-RAVENS....M-RAVENS
COWBOYS(-3) @ PACKERS....B-PACKERS...M-PACKERS
JETS(+9) @ CHARGERS.....B-JETS....M-CHARGERS

)

The Perfect Sunday

2008-09-16T18:41:00.000-07:00

You might remember back when I was posing on my Mama's site it posted an entry from my journal of what me and Carty did when her and my dad were out of town. It's been a while so I decided I would do it again. If you remember a couple weeks ago on my football bets of the week I had four wins and only one loss. This gave me quite a bit of extra cash to throw around. So I decided I would up grade my condo for the rest of the football season. I went out and got an HD flat screen, TIVO, signed up with Direct TV to get the NFL package and got the place hooked up with wireless Internet. You know, the works. So this Sunday was the weekend to break it all in. I was giddy all last week. Me and Carty had two of our good friends from the neighborhood over to enjoy the games, Chico and Simba. I kept a detailed log of how our football fabulous day went.

7:01am......Sleeping above my Mama's head. Barley awake I look at the clock. Aaahhhh it's past 7am! I jump up, my Mama's sleeping on her back so I bounce from over her head, bounce off her butt, on to my dad's bare chest(there is a reason for all this) dig all my claws into his chest, lunge off the bed and sprint full speed down to the garage. That where the case of Bud Light long necks I bought are. Whoow! There still there. It imperative I get these on ice at least three hours before kickoff.

7:02am.....I'm a 13lb cat trying to get a case of Bud Light from the garage to the kitchen and into an ice chest. It's not going well. I was expecting help from my dad. I heard him scream when I dug my claws into his chest. I know he's awake. I'm making a bunch of racket. What's the deal?

7:21am.....Beer is finally on ice. No help from dad. My whole ruckus I made when I woke up got Mama up though. She's making breakfast.

7:53am.....Mama made breakfast burritos with New Mexico green chile. A taste of home. You've never had a breakfast burrito till you've had a NM green chile breakfast burrito. I had mine with a cup of coffee and caught up on the days news on the Internet

8:42am.....It's litter time. A little math. Green Chile + Coffee=Bowel movements.

8:43am.....My dad walks by our litter. He's taken back by the smell. He says "are you a cat or an elephant"? I chuckle.

9:00am.....No church today. I went last night. Thank God for Saturday evening services. It's God's gift to NFL fans. I think it's prophesied in Ezekiel. Maybe Daniel. It's my second favorite part of the Bible. Second only to Proverbs 27, verses 15 and 16. "A quarrelsome wife is like a constant dripping on a rainy day; restraining her is like restraining the wind or grasping oil with the hand." That's hilarious! I can't believe that's in the Bible. Don't tell me God doesn't have a sense or humor.

9:45am.....Chico and Simba make it. We start go get settled in to my condo. Thank God neither one of them brought any wives or girlfriends. Nothing ruins a guy day more than a wet blanket wife or girlfriend. You have to watch your language. Eliminate %85 of potential jokes and sarcastic comments. You have to explain stupid things like, why to the refs throw the little yellow thingies. It's the cardinal rule of Mandom. You don't bring your girl to football day. It just screws everything up. Only 15 minuets to kickoff for the morning games!!!

10:00am.....This is the best part. The anticiaption before all the fun happens. We're all settled in to our ass groves. Twist open the 1st beer. Which is ice cold. Just how I like it. HD TV. Eight football games at the click of a remote. My laptop with wireless Internet to track our Fantasy Football teams. I try to appreciate moments like this. Life just doesn't get any better. If had $10,000,0000 in the bank, I would be doing the exact same thing I am right now. It's rare you can say that. And the room doesn't even smell like farts yet.

10:43am.....We're flipping around to all the different games. I'm gracious host so we alternate the remote in 15min intervals. We all have various bets on the games, which makes things even more interesting. Football is like good apple pie. Betting on football is like good apple pie with a big scoop of ice cream.

11:37am.....We're all officially buzzed.

12:01pm.....We see the start of what seems like the 100th political ad. We never see a complete ad because we just change the channel to a different game. But all four of us agree that for Obama to have any shot at winning the election he needs to get rid of Biden and get the mom from "Jon and Kate plus Eight" to be his running mate and give himself a nickname that's at lease, if not more ridiculous than the "Original Maverick". We have a hard time coming up with good ones. Simba says "Sweet Barack-O". I said "Smooth B-Obama". Carty says it should be "El Gallo Negro". Which translates to "The Black Rooster" in Spanish. He says it will appeal to the Hispanic voters. Whatever.

12:30pm......Carty calls Flaco to bet the afternoon games. Flaco also runs a bookmaking operation. We ask Carty why he bets through Flaco and doesn't just go to a casino here in town? Carty says it's funner if it's illegal. I warn him to not even dare invite Flaco over.

12:32pm......My previously useless dad felt bad about this morning and brings us Chinese takeout for lunch.

12:35pm......Carty figures out a way to wedge his head under the handle of the Chinese takeout box so it just hangs in front of him like a feed bag. He says "look, no paws".

1:03pm.......Carty is still eating. I'm searching the Internet for the record amount of chow mein consumed by a 15lb cat. He has to be closing in on the record.

1:10pm.......Carty gets his head stuck inside the take out box. He starts to panic. He's rolling around on the ground trying to get his head unlodged from between the box and handle. He starts yelling "help guys, I can't breathe"! We laugh hysterically as we help him get unlodged.

1:11pm.......Carty's head is covered in chow mien juice. I spend the next 5 min. licking it off him. The things we do for family.

1:20pm.......Carty lost his ass on the morning games. He says he loaded up on Miami getting 7 points against Arizona to make it all up. We all laugh at him.

1:21pm.......Miami is losing 14-0. We laugh again.

1:41pm.......Chico's cell phone rings. He looks at the face without answering. It his wife. His reaction is this. Yelling at the face of his cell phone "Son of a, one day! Just one day a week! That's all I ask! Just one day without dealing with your crap"! He flips the phone open then says "hey babe, what's up". The rest of us laugh. Clearly his wife has not read Proverbs 27, 15-16.

2:00pm.......We're officially hammered.

2:01pm.......Miami is losing 21-0. Carty throws a bottle cap across the room. The rest of us laugh.

2:22pm.......The room officially smells like farts.

3:01pm.......The Bronco vs. Chargers games is about as good as football gets. Revelry is in full force.

3:51pm.......Miami loses 31-3. We all laugh.

3:57pm.......The Bronco's game is an absolute cliffhanger. Carty has to pee really bad but does not want to miss what happens. He standing up doing a little dance to keep from peeing. He begs us to just pause it because it's on Tivo. The rest of us agree. No way we are pausing it. To much fun watching the game and him prancing around.

4:15pm........We agree that we all need naps before that late game at 5pm.

4:55pm........We wake up and crack out the beer. And call in pizza delivery. Which was me yelling out of my condo. "Mama, make us some pizza! And bring it to us".

6:10pm........The late game is a snore. It's the Steelers Vs. Browns. So we know the Steelers are going to win. It just a matter of by how much. On top of that, the game is being played in what is left of Hurricane Ike. So there are 60mph winds. Making scoring next to impossible. We start flipping around to other channels during commercials.

6:51pm.......We're all offically totally shitfaced.

6:53pm.......We all complain about how stupid our names are. Why can't just be named Jim, Tom, James and Tony?

7:01pm.......Carty gets up to go to the litter. The TV is on MTV. Katy Perry on is on the screen singing "I kissed a girl and I liked iiiiit..." As Carty trotts by.

7:10pm.......Carty re-enters the room. Stands in front of the TV and starts doing a litte dance and sings "I just took a dump and I liked iiiiit.....I liked ittttt". We laugh hysterically.

7:32pm........Simba and Carty are passed out.

7:43pm........Chico's wife sends him a text message. He simply gets up and walks to the exit. Holds up a paw to say bye. No words necessary. He going home to try to grasp oil with his hands. Carty, who I thought was passed out lifts his head and moves his arm over his head and motions it toward Chico like craking a bull whip and makes the whip sound. Waahhhker! Then he put is head back down to go to sleep. I laugh.

8:01pm.......What a great day. But I'm hanging on by a thread. I can pass out at any moment

Control your broad. Or I'll control her for you.

2008-09-11T20:08:00.000-07:00

That's one of my favorite lines from the Godfather II. Towards the beginning of the movie Michael Corleone tells that to Fredo when the floozy that Fredo brings to Michael's son's 1st Holy Communion gets drunk and starts making a scene. I bring this up because Jessica Simpson is about to destroy my Cowboys season. Again! She was on Good Morning America this week saying that the Cowboys were going to stomp the Eagles this coming Monday. This is unacceptable. If the Eagles didn't already have enough motivation to snap Tony Romo's leg in half, now they really have it. The guys girlfriend is talking shit? This type of thing in frowned upon in the sports world. In any world really. It's similar to being in a bar when two guys kind of get into it with each other, then one of they guy's toasted girlfriend chimes in and starts yelling at the other guy that he better back off or her boyfriend is going to kick his ass. All this does is make the guy look like a dweeb because his girlfriend is sticking up of him. Well that how this situation is. I bring up the Godfather quote because all this week Tony Romo's teammates are all telling him to control his broad. What's up with Jessica trying to sing country music anyway? Trying to change genres to revive a career? Has anybody ever pulled this off? My Dad told me about Garth Brooks turning into Chris Gaines a while back. Wow, that's really weird. Seems like it was an awkward moment for everyone involved. I'm glad I missed that....Well here's my picks picks of the week and the picks for the competition against my Mama. I had a big week with my picks last week going 4-1. Me and Mama tied in our 1st week with 9-7 records. Some reasons for her picks this week. She picked against Minnesota because she hates snow. In a tough choice she picked Carolina over Chicago because she likes the Carolina Sweetie ribs from Tony Roma's just a little better than Chicago deep dish pizza. New Orleans because she feels sorry for them.

Picks of the Week......LAST WEEK(4-1) SEASON RECORD(5-3)

NEBRASKA(-24.5) VS. NEW MEXICO STATE
OKLAHOMA(-20) @ WASHINGTON
ARIZONA(-10) @ NEW MEXICO
BRONCOS(+2) VS. CHARGERS
STEELERS(-6) @ BROWNS

NFL PICKS

RAIDERS VS CHIEFS.......B-CHIEFS M-CHIEFS
TITANS VS BENGALS.......B-TITANS M-BENGALS
COLTS VS VIKINGS........B-VIKINGS M-COLTS
SAINTS VS REDSKINS......B-REDSKINS M-SAINTS
PACKERS VS LIONS........B-LIONS M-PACKERS
BEARS VS PANTHERS.......B-PANTHERS M-PANTHERS
GIANTS VS RAMS..........B-GIANTS M-GIANTS
BILLS VS JAGUARS........B-BILLS M-JAGUARS
FALCONS VS BUCCANEERS...B-BUCS M-FALCONS
49ERS VS SEAHAWKS.......B-49ERS M-49ERS
DOLPHINS VS CARDINALS...B-DOLPHINS M-CARDINALS
PATRIOTS VS JETS........B-JETS M-JETS
RAVENS VS TEXANS........B-TEXANS M-RAVENS
CHARGERS VS BRONCOS.....B-BRONCOS M-CHARGERS
STEELERS VS BROWNS......B-STEELERS M-STEELERS
EAGLES VS COWBOYS.......B-COWBOYS M-COWBOYS

25 Sex secrets that will drive him crazy...

2008-09-05T18:49:00.000-07:00

#25 Lick his....ahhh I'm not going to do it. I'm tastless but not that tastless. I saw that header on a Cosmopolitan magazine the last time I was at the grocery store. I've seen similar ones countless times on woman's magazines. I've never actually read one of the articles. I am kind of curious on what they say. I already know it's nothing helpful because I'm a guy. There are only 7 to 12 things that drive us crazy. You can very them slightly but you can only catagorize them in 7 to 12 basic catagories. Also, none of them are secrets. We're guys, why would we keep it a secret? What do you think we do? Sit around watching the game with your buddies, then you say "Hey guys, there's this thing that drives me crazy in the sack. But don't tell my old lady, I want to keep it just between us". No, that doesn't happen. If you want to know what the secrets are there are entire stores lining Industiral full of DVD's to fill you in.......Anyway, here are my football picks of the week. I got off to a slow start last week with a 1-2 mark. Hopfully the NFL starting will change our luck.

NEBRASKA(-26) VS. SAN JOSE ST.
TEXAS TECH(-10) VS. NEVADA
TEXAS A&M(-3) @ NEW MEXICO
COWBOYS(-5) @ BROWNS
PACKERS(-2.5) VS. VIKINGS

BONO VS. MAMA

2008-09-03T19:57:00.000-07:00

The 1st NFL game is tomorrow night!!!! Were doing a little experiment here at Bono's Blog. I'm going to have a season long picks contest against my Mama. All the picks are against the spread. The Football Neophyte VS. The Feline Football Guru. It should be fun. I used all my football expertise for my picks. Here is a sampling of the reasons my Mama picked the teams she did; She picked New England because she likes New England food. Buffalo because she likes Buffalo wings. Chicago because she likes Chicago deep dish pizza. In a rare non-food related pick, she took Atlanta over Detroit because an ex-boy friend was a Lions fan. To get into the mood for the season I decided to polish up my mini-helmet collection. I collected them from gumball machines. It took me years. Right when I finished they started selling complete collections at the mall for $20. A-holes. It cost me probably three times that. We'll at least I got the satisfaction of getting them the old fashioned way. My Dad took these pictures. That idiot can't take a picture for shit. He never remembers to turn the flash off. It took me about five minutes to get my vision back after this. Here are the picks. The B means Bono's pick, the M means Mama.

REDSKINS(+4) AT GIANTS.......B-REDSKINS M-GIANTS
BENGALS(-1.5) AT RAVENS......B-BENGALS M-RAVENS
JETS(-3) AT DOLPHINS.........B-JETS M-DOLPHINS
CHIEFS(+16.5) AT PATRIOTS....B-CHIFS M-PATRIOTS
TEXANS(+6.5) AT STEELERS.....B-STEELERS M-TEXANS
JAGUARS(-3) AT TITANS........B-TITANS M-JAGUARS
LIONS AT(-3) FALCONS.........B-FALCONS M-FALCONS
SEAHAWKS(PK) AT BILLS........B-BILLS M-BILLS
BUCCANEERS(+3.5) AT SIANTS...B-SAINTS M-SAINTS
RAMS(+7) AT EAGLES...........B-RAMS M-EAGLES
COWBOYS(-5) AT BROWNS........B-COWBOYS M-BROWNS
PANTHERS(+9.5) AT CHARGERS...B-PANTHERS M-CHARGERS
CARDINALS(-2.5) AT 49ERS.....B-49ERS M-49ERS
BEARS(+9.5) AT COLTS.........B-COLTS M-BEARS
VIKINGS(+2.5) AT PACKERS.....B-PACKERS M-PACKERS
BRONCOS(-3) AT RAIDERS.......B-RAIDERS M-RAIDERS

I can't help my self.....

2008-09-02T18:45:00.000-07:00

With a couple months to the election I really did not want to get real political quite yet. But it turns out Sarah Palin's daughter is pregnant. As you all know I'm kind of left leaning so I have to admit it's been kind of fun watching the Republicans, the "values party", tap dance today. It's pretty funny thinking about the GOP looking for their Carol Brady to run for Vice President; they finally find her but they forget to check if Marsha is knocked up. Whoops!! They must have had the same guy that thought there were WMD's in Iraq head up VP search process. He'll probably be sweeping up the arena tonight after the convention. I don't want to gloat to much though. We'll probably find out Joe Biden was banging his hair dresser next week, so I don't want to get carried away. Also, I don't think it's fair to pile on. It's tough enough for a 17 year-old girl to deal with a pregnancy in it self. Having "values" doesn't change your physiology. She got horny and a mistake happened. Give her a break. Obama is saying the right things but that does not do much to quiet other lefties. For instance, Lindsey Lohan weighed in on the subject on her blog. Lindsey Lohan! Lindsey weighing in on moral issues on her blog is just slightly less absurd than say a cat blogging about the same subject. Also, as a child of a single biological mother I can't be to critical. Yeah, my Dad left my Mom in some alley a couple weeks after he found out he knocked her up. He promised her that they would get place together under a dumpster behind a Wal-Mart. Then one morning, poof! He was gone. Bastard! My Mom was working with a kitten support attorney before I was adopted. I'm not sure she ever got anything out of him.......This gets to a related subject though. Through out political debate you hear the term of "Traditional Family". This concept usually comes up during the gay marriage debate. It refers to the idea that a traditional family is a Husband, Wife, they have a couple kids, dog, cat, house. The husband has a good job and mom has to work very little if at all. The kids grow up great, go to college and they whole cycle repeats it self. The concept is great. Unfortunately it's a big crock of shit. On my short time on this planet one thing I've figured out is that the "Traditional Family" is almost always nontraditional. In fact the Traditional Family is all screwed up. Just in the families I know there are a bunch of marriages with step kids. Kids out of wedlock. Mom's almost always have to work. Kid's don't go to college, cat starts some crazy blog. There are a bunch of factors that throw the whole plan out of wack. I bet you anything you have at least one family member that is certifiably wacko. If you think you don't then you're the crazy one. I have like eight of them on my Dad's side alone. All products of the "Traditional Family" system. I think this idea stems from '50s TV shows. You know. Leave it to Beaver, Father Know Best etc. Everybody thinks the '50s were the perfect time for some reason. We should go back an make 50's shows when the Dad would come home an treat Mom like shit but she couldn't leave him because of the stigma of divorce and she couldn't get a decent job to support herself. Or a '50s show about the African-American family that couldn't use the same restroom as white people. Wow, they were enlightened back then. The show can be called "Father Doesn't know shit". It seems to me the 50's were great for white males. For everybody else it sucked. That's why we had the 60's and 70's.

Bon's Pick of the Week

2008-08-29T20:13:00.000-07:00

This is new feature on my blog. One that I would not have been able to pull of when I was blogging under my Mama's flag. She hates when I talk football. You should have heard her complaints about my last two blogs...I'm going to give my best football bets of the week. Here are this weeks picks.

Michgan(-4) vs. Utah
TCU(-6.5) @ New Mexico
Virginia(+19.5) vs. USC

Please gamble responsibly

Bono's NFL Preview....Part 2

2008-08-27T19:47:00.000-07:00

Before I get to the rest of my preview I'm shocked and appalled by the comment Cindy made about my Mama's birthday wish. 1st of all, I'm shocked anyone still reads my blog. I had no idea. I just kept writing it for my own entertainment. Boy, I hope no Cubans are reading my blog. I can be in some real trouble. 2nd, I'm appalled at Cindy calling my Mama an old bag. An old bag!! That is unacceptable. Maybe a slightly worn bag or a bag with minor tattering on the corners, but certainly not an old bag. One more outburst like that and I'll demand her Bono's Best of Vegas '08 banner back.....We'll back to my NFL preview. Today is the NFC(National Football Conference).

NFC EAST

Dallas Cowboys(12-4): My 'Boys are on a mission this year! They'll be in the Super Bowl......My Grandma Berlinda was a huge fan of the TV show Dallas. When she got transferred to night shift at work in the early 80's, she paid $1200 for a VCR to record Dallas and Dynasty.

Philadelphia Eagles(9-7): They had injury problems last year. They should be back in the playoffs.......The thing I love about Philly. It is the birthplace of our Nation. The freakin Declaration of Independence was signed there. But now it's more famous for a beef and cheese sandwich? Only in America. Another thing about Philly. They have a statue of Rocky in front of their Art Museum. Yes, they have a statue of a fictional movie character. It one of the biggest tourist attractions in the city. I'm guessing they have some statues of say Ben Franklin, Thomas Jefferson etc. But the Rocky statue gets all the attention. Again, only in America. I think Vegas should get bronze statues of fictional characters from Vegas movies. Charlie and Ray Babbit from Rainman. A statue of a tanked up Nicholas Cage from Leaving Las Vegas holding a snifter of gin in front of City Hall. Don't tell me Mayor Goodman won't go for that.

Washington Redskins(9-7): They have the most politically incorrect name in sports....DC serves as the center of all three major branches of our government(executive, legislative and judicial). This was decided well before the nuclear age. Now that a single bomb can destroy an entire city, shouldn't we be giving this structure a second thought? I know it not the most uplifting thing to talk about, but I just thought I would throw it out there.

New York Giants(6-10): They sucked last year but still won the Super Bowl. They suck again this year......Have you ever wondered how Sarah Jessica Parker's character on Sex in the City has a $10k a month apartment in Manhattan? She works for a free newspaper!!....Yes, I admit it. I watch Sex in the City. We all have our embarrassing little things.

NFC SOUTH

New Orleans Saints(12-4): They'll be back in there 2006 form this year.....There is another hurricane heading there way as I type this. So they'll probably be playing in San Antonio this year. Quick, somebody get Brownie on phone!!

Carolina Panthers(7-9): I can see them in the playoffs or winning 3 games.....Charlotte is one of the Nations largest banking centers. Bank of America and Wachovia are based there. This also qualifies the City as one of the Nations largest centers of Dipshits.

Tampa Bay Buccanneers(9-7): Their quarterback Jeff Garcia is half Irish and half Mexican. Somehow he's not an alcoholic.......Most people don't know that Tampa Bay just refers to the area of Tampa Bay. The city itself is just called Tampa. No Bay. Surveys have concluded that people don't know this because they really don't give a shit.

Atlanta Falcons(6-10): They suck.......I can't believe that this city actually hosted an Olympics. Olympic cities: Athens, Barcelona, Paris, London, Rome, Sydney, ATLANTA? A city that has a significant number of residence named Scooter has hosted an Olympics. I'll never get over it.

NFC NORTH

Green Bay Packers(9-7): They'll be ok without Favre.....How the hell did Green Bay get a pro football team? Do you know where Green Bay is? I punched in directions to Green Bay into my Mama's GPS navigator for her car to find out. It told me to go f**k my self.

Detroit Lions(9-7): They'll be so so before going back to being terrible again next year......This city is a real dump. It's not as bad a Oakland because it sits on a significantly less appealing body of water

Minnesota Vikings(8-8): Their quarterback is a joke......The Republican National Convention is there next week. They had to hire additional staff for the concession stands at the arena. This is the 1st time in 8 years the Republican Party has created new jobs for actual Americans with in the boarders of the Country. They create plenty outside the boarders. Those ones usually include dodging road side bombs though. The ones they create with in the boarders go to illegal immigrants. That concrete isn't going to lay it self, you know. Ironic isn't it?

Chicago Bears(3-13): This team is going to be really bad. My Dad went to college with their linebacker Brian Urlacher. Since collage Brian is well into a Hall of Fame career. My Dad has accomplished nothing of note......Barack Obama's crazy pastor's church is in Chicago. I want to go there. I've always wanted to go to a black church where they yell out affirmations during the service. Like, "amen", say it again brother", "got that right", "hallelujah", "the truth will set you free!". It just seems like they are having allot more fun than at my church.

NFC WEST

Seattle Seahawks(9-7): They'll win this bad division.....This city perfected Grunge Rock and Roll and overpriced coffee beverages. Just like grunge the rest of America if finally catching on that the overpriced coffee is really not that good.

St. Louis Rams(9-7): Las Vegas native Stephen Jackson their starting running back....Carty thinks St. Louis BBQ is better than KC BBQ. We both take our BBQ very seriously. This is a big source of tension between us.

Arizona Cardinals(7-9): They have won one playoff game since the 1930's.......When people from Las Vegas think your city gets to hot in the summer you have issues.

San Francisco 49ers(5-11): Their quarterback is name J.T. O'Sullivan. It sounds like the name of a guy owns a pub that has Guinness on tap, not an NFL QB......In my last blog I said I wanted my Dad to take my Mama to all crab related cities. This is the only crab related city my Dad has taken my Mama. Other cities where you can catch crabs. Portland, Maine. Anchorage, Boston, Parumph, Bangcock, Amsterdam, North Las Vegas. Oh, that makes it two cites she's been to where you can catch crabs.

Super Bowl: Cowboys beat Jacksonville

BONO'S NFL PREVIEW....PART 1

2008-08-25T18:58:00.000-07:00

It's almost here!! Football!!! See my Mama's blog for my previous thoughts on football(http://jengabaldon.blogspot.com/2008_01_01_archive.html). Somebody remind her that she needs to blog also. It's been a flat month today since she did a new post. Anyway, I figured since I did an Olympic preview, I better do an NFL preview. A sport I actually care about. Not that the Olympics didn't have their moments. My favorite was when the USA won the 4x100 freestyle swimming relay. If your head was buried in the sand an you missed it, some French swimmer Alain Bernard said that the French were going "smash" America in the relay. Ok, first all if you are male and your name is Alain(pronounced Elaine, like from Seinfeld) you are already considered a pussy. Then you start spouting off like that! And you're French! We'll in the last leg the American swimmer Jason Lezak over came what seemed like an insurmountable lead held by our friend Alaine. It was really dramatic. My Mama was out of town so it was just myself, Carty and my Dad watching in our living room that was littered with empty beer cans and Chinese take out boxes. We were all yelling at the TV, cheering for the US. When they ultimately won we started hugging and giving high fives. When they showed Alain on the TV, Carty got up on his hind legs, pointed at the screen and yelled "Get some of that Pierre. Don't forget to wear your beret on your way out you, freakin Frenchy". That was the best moment of the Olympics for me. Possibly the most patriotic moment of my life. After that we spent the next ten minutes making France surrendering jokes. It was great.....Anyway on to my NFL preview. I'll put my predictions on the teams records and some random thoughts on the city/region that each team plays in. Today I'll do the AFC, that stands for American Football Conference. Man, I wish my readers knew more about football so I didn't have to explain this crap.

AFC EAST

New England Patriots(12-4): They won't be a good as last year but they'll still be pretty good. I'm pretty sure Tom Brady is still banging Gisselle Buchen. That has no relevance here, I just wanted to type that......The Patriots play near Boston. Do people in Boston know how ridiculous their accents are? Boston has the highest concentration of quality institutions of higher learning in the world. Yet the majority of their residents sound like complete idiots when they talk.

New York Jets(8-8): They'll suck slightly less now that they picked up Brett Favre.....They actually play in swamp land in New Jersey. Not New York.

Buffalo Bills(6-10): Nobody good wants to play for them. Would you want to work in up state New York in December?.....They play near Niagara Falls. It's much more entertaining to watch water fall than it is to watch this team play.

Miami Dolphins(6-10): They were the worst team in the league last year.....Miami has a bunch of Cubans. Read my Olympic preview for my thoughts on Cubans. That should tell you what I think about the city of Miami.

AFC SOUTH

Jacksonville Jaguars(13-3): They took a step forward last year. They'll take another one this year. They'll be in the Super Bowl.....My auntie Ashley is from Jacksonville. The day before she married my Uncle Kevin in Jacksonville my Dad got completely ripped and puked all over the city. I love that story!

Indianapolis Colts(9-7): They won't be as good as they have been.....Indiana is so boring I can't think of a better way to insult people from there.

Houston Texans(9-7): They'll be a dangerous team again this year. Maybe more if they don't have as many injuries as last year......Houston is in constant battle with San Antonio for the fattest city in America. Carty would fit right in there. I can't have blog with out taking a shot at Carty.

Tennessee Titans(8-8): They have mediocrity down pat.....Tennessee accents are just as bad as Boston accents. But they only have on great institution of higher learning(Vanderbilt) so I'll give them a little bit of a break.

AFC NORTH

Pittsburgh Steelers(12-4): They'll be better this year than last.....Pittsburgh always has a high unemployment rate because they have a bunch of guys sitting around waiting for the steel mill or coal mine that closed 35 years ago to re-open. Your job is in China! It's not going to reopen! There is a Linens and Things where the mill used to be! Take an MS Excel class or something! Get a job! Any job!

Cincinnati Bengals(8-8): They be ok because they have 4 games against the Ravens and Browns.....Jerry Springer used to be the mayor and if you cross the river you are in Kentucky. That should tell you all you need to know about Cincy.

Baltimore Ravens(4-12): 4 wins might be a bit generous for this crappy team.....They city is known for crab cakes. My Mama loves crab cakes. I'm trying to convince my Dad to take my Mama to all crab related cities. Frisco is off the list.

Cleveland Browns(4-12): This is my Dad's team. They some how won 10 games last year but still missed the playoffs. They have a brutally difficult schedule. It will be a miracle if they win 10 games this year......In 1969 the Cuyahoga River that runs through the city started on fire. Yes, the river on fire! That's hilarious. Whenever I'm having a bad day I think about that and chuckle. It makes me fell better.

AFC WEST

San Diego Chargers(10-6): The most talented team in the league will gag in the playoffs again.....San Diego would be a great city if it didn't start on fire every other year. Rivers on fire are funny. Beautiful cities on fire are not.

Denver Broncos(10-6): They have a really easy schedule so their record will be better than they are......The Democratic National convention is in Denver this week. Business must be booming for hookers, escorts and strip clubs.

Oakland Raiders(5-11): They sucked really bad that last couple years. They still suck this year.....They city sits on one of the most naturally beautiful bodies of water in the world. Yet the place is a complete shit hole. How did they pull that off?

Kansas City Chiefs(5-11): This team might not score this year, so the 5 wins might be over optimistic.......I love KC bar-b-cue!!!!

Tune in later for my NFC predictions and Super Bowl pick.

Happy Birthday Mama!!!!

2008-08-18T14:56:00.000-07:00

It my Mama's Birthday. I wanted to publicly wish her Happy B-day on my blog. Her birthday is the only one I care about, so nobody else better be expecting any birthday wishes out of me. How old is she? None of your f***in business! That's how old she is. Let's just say she is aging like fine wine and leave it at that.

Bono's Olympic Preview

2008-08-07T21:57:00.000-07:00

The Olympics start tomorrow. I'm kind of looking forward to them. Ok not really, but they only come along every four years so I guess I'll talk about them. What's odd about the Olympics is that women actually watch them more than men. My Mama remarked to me that she was looking forward to them. Especially the gymnastics and ice skating. I had to break it to her that these are the summer games, which do not include ice skating, which happens in the winter games. That tamed her enthusiasm somewhat. Another thing that is interesting about the Olympics is it's an event that stands for pretty much the complete opposite of what it is intended for. They're supposed to be about fair, friendly competition. Where Nations can set there differences aside and come together for a celebration of sport. However it quickly morphed on to a place where the athletes cheat with performance enhancing drugs at a higher rate than any other realm of sport. And it's a place where political discourse is actually enhanced and magnified. We've seen numerous examples of this. The killing of Jewish athletes in Munich in '72. The US and USSR boycotting each others games in '80 and '84. This year the Olympic torch relay, where the torch is paraded around the world, was tainted by protest due to China's human rights violations. Not to mention they eat cats, dogs, chicken feet. What about those violations? Is there anything those people won't eat? Now they are considering scrapping the relay altogether in future games. The relay is a tradition that was started in the 1936 games by the Nazis, so scrapping it probably not a bad idea. There are two things I really like about the Olympics. The first one is when we beat other nations at sports that they love, but we really don't give a rats ass about. In Europe and Asia, sports like swimming, track and gymnastics are a big deal. Front page of the newspaper kind of stuff. Here nobody pays any attention till the Olympics. Even then, it will be over shadowed by Brett Favre coverage. But yet we win a large number of medals in these events. I find it particularly satisfying because that vast majority of our best athletes play football(a none Olympic sport). So there we are beating all these smelly Euros with our 3rd and 4th stringers. I remember in the last Olympics when the US girls won the gymnastics gold medal, the 15 year old girls from Romania and Russia were crying their eyes out because they had disgraced their entire nation after years of near starvation to maintain weight and torturous training. While none of us here in the States really gave a shit if we won or lost at gymnastics. It was freakin awesome. USA! USA! The 2nd thing that I like is that lives of the athletes are pretty much defined by what takes place at them. They only happen one every four years. So these athletes train all that time for just one chance. I all has to go right or you are eternally remembered as a failure. Every thing has to go right that specific day. You can't be tired, you have pray you don't have a cold, wake up with the shits. There are dozens of ways to lose an event but only one way to win. It has to be perfect. For example Michelle Kwan was one of the best ice skaters ever. The thing she is remembered for is never winning a gold medal in the Olympics. You have to admit it makes watching a 14 year-old having to do a perfect back flip on a 4 inch beam with the weight of her nation on her shoulders incredibly compelling television......To enhance you viewing pleasure I have listed some predations below. This is all based on intense research and film study. It should be all you need to guide you through the games.....

Men's 100 meter dash.....Some black dude from the USA or Jamaica. We'll find out 2 years from now he was on steroids.

Womens 100 meter dash...Some black chick from the USA. We'll find out she was on steroids 2 years from now.

Men's 400 meter....There is actually some white guy from the USA that is the defending gold medalist in this event. No really a white guy won a track and field event. You can look it up. He as to be cheating somehow too.

Men's marathon....A really skinny guy from Kenya

Men's Soccer....A European country where they don't shower very often. You know France, Spain, Italy. The usual suspects.

Woman's Gymnastics....This was a tough one. The US and China have loaded teams. The Russians and Romania are always strong. As mentioned before politics always comes into play in the Olympics. With the Games being a communist country the US is going to getting the shitty end of the stick in events that are judged subjectively like gymnastics. Ultimately I think it will be won by a Russian or Romanian chick that has a name with no vowels and to pronounce it correctly you would have to make a sound similar to the one I make when I hack up a fur ball.

Men's Gymnasitcs......A Chinese guy who's name starts with an X or a South Korean guy with Kim somewhere in his name. And if they didn't have their country's uniforms on you would not be able to tell the difference between them. Yeah, I know that can be percieved as being kind of racist but just watch. If its not true I'll take it back. But I won't have to because you won't be able to tell the difference between them.

Men's basketball....A loaded US team will find a way to lose this. Probably to a bunch of long haired Argentinian guys that look like Antonio Banderas. They should be ashamed.

Baseball.....Cuba. They can do baseball and cigars but not much else. I can't believe Fidel is still alive. I wasn't sure. I had to look it up. How come our nemesis never die? This guy will still be around when Jenna Bush's kid is President. Thank God I won't be around for that.

Boxing.....A bunch of Cuban dudes that would not go down if you beat them in head with 2x4's. I guess you could add boxing to baseball and cigars.

Carty's guest blog

2008-08-03T21:11:00.000-07:00

Hi. I'm Carty. Bono's big brother. No, this is not going to be a common thing. I owed Bono a favor so I told him I would do a guest blog for him while he is on vacation. The world does not need another blog. Especially another cat blogger. Personally I can't believe a single person/cat whatever actually reads these things. I can't even read a blog from an interesting person. Much less some random cat...First, I'll tell you a couple things about me. My full name is Cartier. After the jewelry store/maker whatever. My mom said my fur looks like platinum and diamonds, so that how I got my name. I'm not quite the bumbling idiot my brother portrays me to be. I admit I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed but I'm not a complete moron either. Also, aside from being cats me and Bono are opposite in just about every way imaginable. He is a clean freak. It boarders on OCD. I'm dirty. I'll eat just about everything. He is very picky. I can watch a sporting event with out having money on it. Bono can't. I could go on but you get the point. Crap, I'm already dragging on like Bono does. I promised my self I wouldn't do that. Anyway there was nothing in particular I wanted to talk about so I had Bono request that questions be submitted for me to answer to take up some space. Here they are.

Q: Carty, Is Bono really as much of "Mama"'s boy as he comes off in his blog. That's all that bastard talks about.......Fluffy. Elko, NV.
A: No, he's not. It's really much worse in reality. He's pretty much attached at her hip. It's embarrassing really.

Q: Carty, Bono tries to portray himself as a real ladies cat. Who pulls more chicks, you or him......Jose. Barstow, Ca.
A: Quantity wise it would definitely be me. Like I said before we are complete opposites. Bono gets better looking chicks, but I'm more into quantity over quality. Bono's actually snagged a couple 10's in his day. But I would take five 2's over one 10 any day. There all beauty queens in the dark, if you catch my drift.

Q: Carty, Can I have The Office Season 2 DVD you borrowed from me back? It's been a year and a half......Peaches. Las Vegas, NV.
A: I'll see if I can find it.

Q: Carty, Is you brother as much of a know it all prick as he seems to be? How do you live with him?....Max, Henderson, NV.
A: No, it's much worse in reality. He has an answer for every thing. He expects to have everything his way. He does not even eat in our designated areas anymore(see below). He has my mom or dad bring him his food to him wherever he's in the mood to eat it. How do I live with him? He's my brother, what am I going to do?

Q: Carty, Orale bro! I have a computer now, holmes. Tell your hermano that he still owes me cash from my last drop off. And tell him if keeps talking mad shit about me on his blog I'm going to kick his ass. Laters..........Flaco, Las Vegas. NV.
A: Ok.

Q: Carty, your Dad and Bono seem to gamble quite a bit. Does this upset your mom?
A: No. The gambling doesn't bother her. It's their losing that she can't stand.....Phyllis, Mesquite. NV.

Q: Carty, Bono talks about drinking and booze in all of his blogs. I remember one where he said he drank a whole bottle of wine in one day. That's quite a bit for one cat. Don't you think he needs help?
A: No, I don't. I help him sometimes, but he can usually finish the whole bottle just fine all by himself......Dave, Rio Rancho. NM.

That's it. I guess blogging wasn't that bad. I might be back. See Ya.

I WILL BE ON VACATION THIS WEEK

2008-07-31T20:32:00.000-07:00

Carty will be guest blogging this weekend. Leave any questions you have for him in the comments section or e-mail them to bonogabaldon@yahoo.com.....I be off getting away from my usual busy life. Have a nice weekend.

It's been a while.....

2008-07-27T20:05:00.000-07:00

I didn't intend to wait this long before I blogged again. But I has been a very busy couple of weeks. For the last month or so my Mama has been working on her jewelry/art for a craft show this weekend. She was working it pretty diligently. Even canceling a vacation to San Diego to get work done. Well, I got caught up in all the hoopla. Her and Cindy split a booth at the show. I just had to get in on the action. One problem. I suck at art. I doubt my Derby Easter eggs would have went over well at this thing. So I got to thinking about what I could do. Then last weekend it finally clicked. I mix a wicked margarita. I decided I was going to move in on my Mama's territory at her show. I was going to set up a margarita stand. I was going to call it Bono's Paw Crafted Margaritas. I went to work on it right away. I tested all sorts of recipes. I spent a fortune in ingredients. Not to mention waking up hung over every morning. Carty was testing the recipes with me for the first few days. He tapped out sometime on Wednesday. He said his liver was sore. Lightweight. My Dad helped test also but he was a wet blanket all week when it came to my idea of setting up a booth at the show. He kept saying that you need a licence to sell booze. I dismissed his comments. I figured people sell all kinds of crap at these things. Nobody would even notice me. Plus, I thought he was jealous because he didn't think of the margarita stand idea before I did. It turns out he was right. On Friday morning I was wheeling my wagon full of ingredients in to the show. It was held in a vacant suite in a strip mall. I wasn't 10ft through the door before some lady asked me what I was doing. She was like "excuse me ahh, sir, cat, whatever. Is that alcohol there". I was like "yeah". She said "you can't sell that here. You need a license". I tried to talk my way out if it. I came back with this "License?, Your sign outside is made out of bed sheet? You'll be lucky to get any customers in this place begin with, I highly doubt whatever government agency that enforces licensing laws will be coming by this place. Plus, there is a lady over there selling fudge. Where is her license? She could be making that stuff in a kitchen full or rat turds for all we know". It didn't work. My dream was over before it ever got off the ground. I hung around for a while anyway. I found out Cindy(Bono's Best of Vegas '08 winner for best local artist) is an "art celebrity". It was quite an experience being part of her entourage for a while. I finally left after fighting through the paparazzi.

I wanted to touch on one subject. I guess in my Mama's little art world, there has been some controversy lately over the possibility of people copying other people's work. It seems some people are really pissed off about it. I think its silly because this art world that my Mama is part of really is small. It a circle of people that take the same classes, study the same techniques, read the same books, magazines, blogs and web sites. Now they're surprised when they all start creating the same shit. What do they expect to happen? Stuff like this happens even in larger artistic realms. Just look at music. Everybody is ripping everybody else off constantly. I thought Creed was Pearl Jam the first time I herd them. I swear Garth Brooks sings all of Keith Urban's songs for him. Play Garth's early stuff. You'll be amazed how close it sounds to Keith Urban. My Mama listens to a Christian singer names Jackie Velazquez. It's J-Lo singing about Jesus. She even lifts the beats from J-Lo. I guess what I'm saying it that nobody is truly original. That's just the way it is. Sorry you had to find out this way. With that said, I do think you need some level of creativity. The booth across from my Mama, the people were selling signs(see photo above). Painted wood with words, quotes, lyrics, symbols and letters. Anybody can do this crap. It takes lumber, a jigsaw, stencil and paint. Not to mention the copyright infringement. One sign said "My blood type is Starbucks". One had the lyrics to "Take me out to the ball game". Wow, not that's what I call art. Thank God nobody was buying this garbage....Also, to not be hypocritical I'll share some recipes from Bono's Paw Crafted Margaritas. They took countless hours to perfect. Feel free to rip them off...on all the recipes just assume the base is lime juice and Triple Sec unless otherwise noted. You can use the pre-mixed stuff also if you want...

Bono's Key Lime pie-arita...use key lime juice, add just a touch of heavy cream, shake well, plus add whipped cream on top. Garnish with a graham cracker on the whipped cream mound.

Bono's Maui Woowie Margarita....replace 1/2 your lime juice with pineapple puree. It adds a great texture. Garnish with pineapple slices.

Bono's Jamaican-me crazy margarita....replace tequila with Jamaican rum. Add sugar/sweetener to bring out the rum flavor better.

Bono's Sandiarita.....It's a watermelon margarita(Sandia means watermelon in Spanish)....puree watermelon and add watermelon liquor for best results.

Bono's El Patron Margarita.....must use Patron tequila. Use key lime juice, reqular lime juice, lemon and orange juice. Add a shot of Grand Marnier Orange liquor. This was named in honor of my late Uncle Cheesie. He was my Mama's Cat at her childhood house in Edgwood, NM. My grandpa gave him the nickname of Patron, hence the El Patron name. My grandpa used to scratch his head so much in one spot that eventually he was bald there. He also knocked up all the lady cats in the neighborhood so there are lots of decendents around. I hope none of them call to ask for money one of these days......

My Mama is not going to like this.....

2008-07-16T19:43:00.000-07:00

I'm reluctant to blog about this because my Mama gets really jealous when it comes to other women being in my life. I don't know why. You'll have to get that explanation from her. I went out on another date with the girl I brought to my Dad's lame birthday party. Oh, I found out why strawberry margaritas were not on the invitation. There were no invitations! That would be a good way to get people to a party. Anyway, a few days before his party I met a lady kitty named Reba at a get together a mutual friend of our's had. She lives with a redneck couple a block or so down the way. Darrell and Mabeleene. Since we were both named after musicians we got to talking and kind of hit it off. After the birthday party debacle we kept talking but we didn't have a 2nd date till Saturday. I took her to the Peter Frampton concert. It went really well. Since she endoured the party and the concert of my choice, so I thought I would do something nice for her. With her being a country girl I took her to Toby Keith's I love this Bar&Grill at Harrah's. Some people think this is a total sell out by Toby, but I don't. Just refer to my last blog for my thoughts on celebrity commercialism. Also he needs as many sources of income as possible to keep up with Exxon, Halliburton, Blackwater and Iran as the entities that have benefited the most from 9/11 and subsiquent wars. On walls of the restraunt they run a video of Toby's song "Love this Bar". Go here for the video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q85rPq1u9sc . I've got to tell you this place does not resemble the bar in the video at all. When we got there, Reba wanted to sit at the bar. We sat down and the "bartender" was I guess making drinks. It was kind of hard to tell. He was back there juggling the bottles around, flipping glasses, throwing an ice scoop ten feet in the air. Basically doing everthing but making a drink. It took me about 10 miniutes to finally get Lance Burton's attention. I ordered a Bud Light, Reba ordered an Appletini. Bozo the Clown immidatley went into his act. In the middle of his routine I asked if he could just hand me my beer. I'll open it myself. No need for theatrics, thank you. This would never take place in Toby's video bar. In fact if the bartender tried something like this in a redneck bar like in the video, I'm pretty sure this bartenter would get the shit kicked out of him. Also they have sirens go off every now and then, I have no idea why. Then the bartenders start running around the bar blowing whistles. All this did was scare the living shit out of us about every five minetes. Also, there were a few Blacks and Mexicans in the place. With the Confederate flag hanging behind Toby in the video I doubt any of them would have been welcome in the bar. We'll toward the begining of the video there is a fat Mexican guy that kind of looks like New Mexico governor Bill Richardson, so I might be wrong. I doubt the video bar has $6 beers also. Does Toby know they charge six bucks for beers? The food was pretty good though.... All this got me thinking, all this bottle juggling got started back in the late 80's when the movie Cocktail came out. It's actully one of my favorite bar movies. So in the next day or two I'll be back with my list of Best Bar Movies and Songs.

I have a big weekend planned....

2008-07-10T17:56:00.000-07:00

I'm going to Red Rock Casino this weekend to see Peter Frampton(washed up 70's/80's guitarist), Dave Navarro(washed up Seattle grunge guitarist, now more famous for banging Carmen Electra) and Diamond Rio(washed up country band). It's all part of a summer series of outdoor concerts at Red Rock featuring a slew of washed up musical acts. It's freakin awesome!! I've already seen Crosby and Nash(washed up folk rockers) a couple weeks ago. I don't know where Stills are Young were at. Last week I saw Slash(washed up Guns+Roses guitarist). If you look at my favorite musical acts I have a thing for music acts that are either washed up or dead. I can't explain why I like it. Maybe it's seeing people trying to grasp at past glory. Maybe the thought of these guys needing their next paycheck as much as the rest of us makes me feel a little better about my own standing in life. I don't know. But what's really cool is this is all taking place right down the street. I don't even pay to get in. I can just slide through the cracks of a couple fences and I'm in. I just lay back a little and pretend I'm a stray. Not that anybody really notices me anyway. We'll actually one of the security officers did. It turns out it was some black dude that lives down the street from me. We ended up splitting a doobie and debated which bar-b-que is better. Memphis or Kansas City. It's KC paws down. Now he clears a little spot out for me on a ledge. It's worked out great....I noticed one thing a couple of these guys have in common. Slash and Peter Frampton have recently been featured in commercials. Frampton is in a Geico commercial. They must be in a contract dispute with the Gecko. Slash is pitching for Guitar Hero the video game. Product endorsement used to be highly taboo in the music industry. Frampton would have never tried to pull this off at the height of his powers in the 70's and 80's. Some people still frown upon this. But it's usually from people that are fans of musicians that would never be offered endorsements anyway. You'll hear some jerk-offs that like metal or punk rock criticize these guys. But the people they listen to would never get endorsement of because their favorite "artist" are either a)strung out on heroin b)wear dark black eye shadow c)worship satan d)all of the above. Not much you can endorse with that profile. That is unless they start making commercials for methadone (don't put this past pharmaceutical companies). So it's easy to bash others for taking the money. I bet if Marilyn Manson was offered a Geico commercial he would take it in a heart beat. I haven't heard from that guy in years. He has to be in dire need of a paycheck right now. Well back to Slash. He does a commercial for Guitar Hero. Since we got the Wii I've sofend my stance on guys that play this game that think they are really are Guitar Heroes by playing a little plastic guitar. After becoming addicted to Wii golf, I find these guys slightly less pathetic. One thing I hope this commercial helps is the re-emergence of the top-hat. I love those things. With my black and white fur I really think I can make one of those work on myself. Considering they haven't been popular in roughly 60 years. I doubt it will happen. But I hope it's the new big fashion trend. It worked for Willy Wonka, Fred Astaire and Mr. Peanut, I think I could make it work as well.

My Mom and Dad finally shelled out for a Wii....

2008-07-07T19:23:00.000-07:00

we played it all day yesterday. Me and Carty played more today. We played mostly golf, baseball, boxing and tennis. It's very addicting. It also causes you to use muscles the you don't know you even have. I'm sore as can be. I'm dire need or massage. And I mean a real massage. Not one of those kind you get at one of these Asian joints on Industrial. Not that those kind of massages can't come in handy sometimes. Get it, handy!! Can anybody remember when a male could tell somebody that they were going to get a massage with having to put a disclaimer in that it was a massage and only a massage. I can't. It had to be well before I was born. I like to be accurate in my blog, so I did some research to find out when this change took place. I couldn't find it. There is not much documentation on the history of the Happy Ending Massage. Anyway, back to the Wii. It can be pretty dangerous. When we first started playing baseball Carty thought that the Wii could capture your running movements as we'll as your hands. He learned the hard way it doesn't. We pulled the coffee table from the middle of the room where we thought it was out of the way. Shorty after Carty ran full speed into it while he was trying to run down a fly ball I hit into the right-center field alley. He bruised his ribs. Your supposed to use the little joy stick to move the fielder. Carty didn't know that. The little computer Ichiro was just standing there. I got an easy triple. I didn't come out unscathed either. Carty accidentally whacked me in the head with a backhand return when playing tennis. Carty takes his tennis seriously. He was calling himself John CatEnroe. He wore a headband and kept yelling "you cant be serious" everytime a call went against him. I can't say the games give an actual representation of ones skill at a sport if it were played in real life. For example Me and Carty played a round of golf as a threesome with the computer Tiger Woods. I beat Tiger but I got beat by Carty? That bastard shot a 67. He was dropping putts from everywhere. With bruised ribs! The Wii also confirmed my theory that my Dad and Carty like bowling just for the stale beer and powered cheese nachos. They bowled a game against each other and they were lost without it. After each roll they would turn around to walk back to the table to take a swig and grab a bite only to see it wasn't there. Their games were way off. Even my Mama beat my Dad at bowling while talking to my grandma on the phone. My Mama mostly played a game called "Cooking Mama". A cooking game obviously. It's one of those games with Japanese origins but has been adapted for America. Except they didn't quite adapt it all the way, so the voice on the game is a stereotypical Asian voice. With all the technology and money they invest in these games you would think they could consult with an American interpreter to make sure proper English is spoken. It says things like "I will help for you". What the hell does that mean? I was anxiously waiting for it to tell me "me love you long time". It never did. Maybe it will say for me in next year version.

Man, It was hot this weekend.....

2008-06-30T19:58:00.000-07:00

my Mama and Dad were washing their cars on Sunday afternoon. Yeah, I know! My Mama engaging in physical activity on a Sunday afternoon. I'm as surprised as you are. I was going to help them out. I can work magic with a shammy. Then I went outside and decided against it. It was freaking hot! I also remembered that I don't like to get my paws wet. Unless it's my own spit from me licking them. It also reminded me that this time of year sucks. It sucks for a bunch of reasons. I decided I would make a list. You know how I love making lists. This is Bono's top three reasons this time of year sucks list.
1. IT'S FREAKIN HOT. Yes, I know I already talked about it. But it's worth mentioning again. The fact that it going to be 105 degrees plus, everyday till sometime after Labor Day is a disturbing thought. Why did they build a city here? Why did I move here? I say we move the entire city to Monterey. They keep talking about us running out of water when Lake Mead drys up, so we have to conserve. If that's the case lets just move the city now. Are we really going to save enough water by not having grass in our yards? Sounds like we're just delaying the inevitable to me. We should just get a move on. Pack your shit folks. We need to find a place a little cooler and with water. Also, do we really need to have a weather report on the news? Anybody that's lived in Vegas for any amount of time knows it going to be hot everyday. Can we just use the weather time to get more information on the city's daily shooting or more stories on the chicks Gov. Gibbons has been banging? It would be much more interesting.

2. FIREWORKS. Who's idea was it to have fireworks for the 4th of July? I hate this tradition. I'm a cat and jumpy as all hell. I don't need a day with everyone from 18 months of age and up blowing shit up. Can't we just be happy with a bar-b-que and getting hammered? Do we really need to risk starting some body's home or business on fire? It happens every year! Let's not forget the chance of serious injury!!! Sounds like a blast to me!! Pun intended. I kind of give young kids a break on this. They don't know any better. But if you are 12 years of age or older and you like this crap you should be especially ashamed. Fire stations and emergency rooms have to be overstaffed because of you dip shits.

3. "BLOCKBUSTER" MOVIES: This garbage comes all through the summer. Is it to much to ask that somebody comes up with an original idea? Another Batman movie? Haven't the pube bearded, chubby comic book guys got their fill with the previous half dozen or so forgettable installments of this? Indiana Jones! I think he was chasing after his lost Social Security check in the most recent installment. Then we have Ironman. Robert Downey Jr. as a superhero? If he was in a movie about a druggie superhero called Cokefiend, I would buy it. But not as Ironman. Was Andy Dick not available for the role? In previous year's we've had Spiderman. Played by Toby McGwire. 1st of all, no way a guy named Toby can be a superhero. Then in Seabiscuit he played a jockey. How can the same guy play Spiderman and a jockey? My least favorite of all was the "Lord of the Rings" Trilogy. Appropriately made by Peter Jackson. The Grand Wizard of all pube bearded, chubby comic book guys (see photo below). I've never watched any of them. But I do know the premise was Elijah Wood saves the world. That pussy couldn't save a thing. Way to unbelievable for me to watch. I guess I'll have to keep going to hippie indie movie houses for the films I like. There was Catwoman. I guess that was pretty cool. I'm not into human chicks but I was somewhat aroused by Halle Berry dressed as a Cat. Meeeooow.

Let's just get it over with....

2008-06-25T19:34:00.000-07:00

My Mama is has been getting on my case because I haven't talked about my brother on my new blog. I don't think I'll ever get from under the iron clad regime of Kim Jen-Il. So I'm just going to toe the line. I'm not sure what to say about him. I guess one thing that comes to mind is that he has a really good memory. An amazing one actually. For instance he'll be digging up the edge of the carpeting in one area of the house, then my Dad will pick him up and take him to an area of the house as far away as possible. He does this in the hope that he'll completely forget about what he was doing like most cats do. Not Carty. He trots right back to where he was and picks right up where he was. He has a memory like an elephant. Where does that saying come from anyway? Do elephants really have good memories? I only met one elephant in my life. At the zoo one time. He didn't really strike me as someone with a really good memory. I found his thoughts on the issue of animals held in captivity to be insightful, but nothing about his memory really stuck out. I think that saying is a bunch of bullshit. Where did the saying "three sheets to the wind" come from also? Can somebody tell me? Anyway, Carty has a really good memory. Unfortunately he never does anything that allows him to memorize anything useful. It's mostly a bunch of meaningless crap. Stuff like being able to name every pro hockey team's starting goalie, dinner time(he never forgets that), all of our friends and relatives birthdays. The most recent example was when we were telling ghost stories the other night. No, I still haven't figured out why we were telling ghost stories. You might remember me mentioning Carty's story really sucked. We'll Carty didn't know that the purpose of a ghost story was to be scary. He was the first one to tell a story and he just thought that it needed to be a story that involved ghosts. Where his memory comes into play is where he for some unknown reason remembered that James Brown, Gerald Ford, Anna Nicole Smith and Barbaro all died around the same time. So he figured the four of them would be the ghost in his ghost story. One scene in his story had Gerald Ford convincing the Secretary of the Navy to commission a battleship for James Brown. I was called the USS Sex Machine. The next scene has Barbaro ridding Anna Nicole to a win in the Belmont. Yes, that is the right order. Barbaro rode Anna Nicole (insert Anna Nicole being ridden joke here). We took the flash light away from him when he began describing a scene that involved the four of them dancing a choreographed number to "I feel Good". One last thing on Carty. His is looking into buying Flaco's ride. It's '72 Impala. If you don't remember Flaco is our high grade nip dealer. Carty considers him a friend. I consider him an asshole. We'll high gas prices are even hitting criminals in the pocket book these days. Flaco is looking to unload his Impala. He going to start dealing out of a Prius. The Impala has been sitting for sale on our block for weeks. Good luck getting the scratch together on it Carty.

Finally, now that I have my own post I added some tags to generate more hits. I found out what the top three things Googled by both males and females (6 items total). You can see them at the bottom of the post. You can probably guess which ones are for males and which ones are for females. I'll let you know how it works. You can try if for your own blog, if you have one.

Wasted Weekend....

2008-06-22T19:52:00.000-07:00

My Mama went to Phoenix on a whim this weekend(Leave a place that is 107 degrees for a place that's 112, that's smart). It totally sucked. I had plans for us. We totally missed a Green Acres marathon on TV land. Me and Carty were planning on distracting her from making jewelery. With just my Dad around we had to eat microwave Marie Calender's chicken pot pies for dinner. I took about an hour and a half for the thing to cool to a temperature suitable for consumption. Microwave dinners are real time savers! I have no idea what it tasted like because my tongue was burnt to a crisp after I took the 1st bite before I realized I needed the 90 minute cooling period.....Speaking of hot things, Cindy you are right my condo is a sauna in the summer. That was a major oversight by my realtor. No wonder she is working at PT's now. Not to mention she was willing to take a cat as a client so how good could she have been to begin with? I'm still looking for extra income. Actually my realtor called me back to tell me that the head cook at PT's was deported and the dishwasher was promoted to his position, so they had a dish washing position open up. I almost took it, then I remembered I hate getting my paws wet. Unless its my own spit from me licking them.....Yeah it was my Dad's birthday on Thursday. Happy Birthday Dad! You cheap bastard. I'll get you a gift when I get the new scratching post I was promised about a dozen times. That sentence was not as harsh as it seems. That's how guys do each other. You can see pictures on the party on my Mama's site. I suppose I could have posted the pictures here myself but I don't really feel like it. Let me honest, who really cares about the pictures?Nobody showed up for the party. I actually brought a date, so it was kind of embarrassing. We did have strawberry margaritas so that made is tolerable. We should have included we were going to have strawberry margaritas in the invitations.

Ok...So there is a first time for everything....

2008-06-18T19:53:00.000-07:00

In case you missed it the Celtics won the NBA Title. My Lakers have been vanquished. I lost my money. And didn't get the money I was counting on winning. I was looking into selling my condo, but with the Vegas housing market I don't have chance of getting rid of it. I talked to my realtor this morning. Well, she was my realtor. It turns out she is waiting tables at PT's Pub now, she needed a steady source of income. She told me there was no chance I would get what I put into it. Then I told here I didn't even pay for it. She said "I know, It's gone down at least %20 from nothing, you would have to pay for somebody to take it off your hands. Now stop calling me at work, my boss is getting mad". So now I'm searching for another source of income. If anybody needs their lawn mowed or weeds cut I'm available. I'm scouting spots for lemonade stands. I looked at taking out a 401k loan. It turns out the value in that is sinking faster than whale shit also. I scrapped that idea and reallocated my funds to more conservative investments. I'm not as bad with money as you think. My Dad is enjoying every minute of this. A-hole. The image above is not by choice. It's the result of another lost bet to my Dad. Lets just move on.

Finally! My own blog.

2008-06-16T20:42:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone. I did it. I have my own blog now! If you don't already know me. My name is Bono. Pronounced Baw-no. Like the U2 front man.....oh, I'm a cat by the way. The name was not my idea...Anyway, this blog is a spin off of another blog that nobody reads. But you probably know that. If you just happened to click on here for some reason you probably already clicked out. If you're still here, you're probably wondering what a cat is doing with a blog? Click on this site http://jengabaldon.blogspot.com/ (The 12/5/07 entry)to find out how all this started. Now that I think about it, a cat having a blog does not sound that off the wall. Everyone has one of these things now. That's what's so cool about them. Anyone type up a bunch of crap and pretend they are experts or have some sort of insight on what they are blogging about. All this can be done without having any qualification or a shred of accountability. It's kind of like being a government official in that way. It's pretty awesome.

We'll not much has happened in the last week or so, but I have been watching the NBA Finals. I've been pulling for the Lakers of course. My Dad is a Celtics fan. We haven't spoke much in the last week and a half. We do somehow manage share a twelve pack during the games though. Beer has a way of bringing family together. If you remember I have quite a bit of cash riding on the Lakers. The Celtics lead the series right now 3 games to 2. The first team to 4 wins, gets the title for you sports neophytes. I'm not worried though. My Dads favorite teams always disappoint in the end. Always. I'm already thinking of things to buy with my winnings. His favorite baseball team was Montreal Expos. They don't even exist anymore. When they did they didn't win a damn thing. His team now is the Angels. They won the World Series in 2002. But the Expos were still around then, so it doesn't count. His football team is the Cleveland Browns. Enough said. His alma mater is the University of New Mexico. Perennial also rans in pretty much every sport. They did win a National title a few years back....in skiing. Like anybody cares. They finished 2nd in the Nation in soccer a couple year's ago. Skiing and Soccer? Was I born in New Mexico or Europe? The Celtics have won 16 World Titles, but non since 1986. Right about the time my Dad decided that was his team. They've been cursed since then. When game 7 is over on Thursday don't say I didn't tell you......if you made this far thanks for reading my 1st post on my own blog. I plan on adding a few wrinkles to the site now that I don't have Kim-Jen Ill to answer to. I hope you visit again. If you don't, screw you. I didn't want you on my site anyway.